We've got the air conditioning set to 60 degrees,
but the hot air still blasts our faces as you open that damn door.
The cicadas are deafening tonight,
and the sweat rings from our glasses evaporate in the dusty air.
I can taste the sweat on your skin,
like I can taste the mint in my tea.
It's like we're swimming in a sea of heat,
and the scuffing of your bare feet on the tile floor
beats a rythmic counterpoint to my pounding heart.
The sound of water lapping the edges of the pool
and the way your cologne smells
reminds me of all those day we spent driving around to parks,
wading into the dirty water in just our shorts
getting arrested that one night for public indecency.
We've got so much history, my dear
and as the night air sucks the moisture from my breath,
all I can think about is the day you kissed me in this very couch,
terrified that I would pull away.
Goosebumps ripple across my skin
sweat leaving trails in the dust
our hands linked, sipping mint tea
swinging back and forth on the porch swing,
wishing for cooler days and hoping it'll never end.
Author notes
just wanted to mention that cicadas are these bugs that make a buzzing noise. they live in the mesquite trees in arizona and sometimes they can be so loud you can hear then through walls.
I think what I would like you to critique is spacing, word usage and flow. Do the line breaks make sense? Is there anything I should re-word? Does it flow well?
A contest entry
- The Summer of '95/16 Summers/Boys of the Summer/Summer Air by fishbone.
700 points, ended July 1, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Critique This! by Danna Hobart.
390 points, ended November 9, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Mmm, Arizona summers
Comments
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I loved this poem on the heat, I felt that I could feel it even though it is never that hot in Ottawa or even any part of Canada. I like writing that takes me to a place I've never been and teach me a bit about it, this poem was that for me.
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My first suggestion is to simply cut any words that are not necessary. I determine whether they are necessary by asking myself if removing them will change the poem’s meaning in any way. If the answer is no, then I cut them. The reason for that is, I believe the fewer words you use, the less chance for your message/idea to get lost. Also, the fewer words you use, the stronger your ideas come through. Most modifiers, definitive articles, adjectives, and conjunctions, can be removed without changing a poem’s meaning.
I’d also suggest shortening some of your lines. Line breaks can be very important in poetry. They not only set (or distur
the flow of the poem, but they can also be used for emphasis. Also, breaking the poem into stanzas can make it seem less intimidating to your readers, for example:
Air conditioning set to 60 degrees,
but hot air still blasts our faces
as you open that damn door.
Cicadas are deafening tonight,
sweat rings from our glasses
evaporate in the dusty air.
I can taste the sweat on your skin,
like I can taste the mint in my tea.
It's like swimming in a sea of heat,
Just to avoid repeating the word “like” in two sentences in a row, I would suggest changing the first “like” to something else:
I can taste the sweat on your skin,
same as I can taste the mint in my tea.
It's like swimming in a sea of heat,
Scuffing of your bare feet on the tile
You can remove the word “floor” because what else would feet scuff on?
Oh, and you misspelled “rhythmic.”
Scuffing of your bare feet on the tile
beats a rhythmic counterpoint
to my pounding heart.
Try to avoid present participles. They are weak and the action verb can almost always be used in their place:
Sound of water laps edges of the pool
your cologne reminds me of all those days
we spent driving around to parks,
We waded into dirty water
and got arrested one night
for public indecency.
We share so much history,
and as the night air sucks
the moisture from my breath,
all I can think about is the day
you kissed me in this couch,
terrified that I would pull away.
Goosebumps ripple across my skin
sweat leaves trails in the dust
our hands linked, sipping mint tea.
Okay, you were on a couch one minute. How did you get in the porch swing? And, the line below is very redundant- you basically state that you are swinging three times: First you state that you are swinging, then you say “back and forth” which is a swinging motion, then you state that you are on the porch swing. See if you can eliminate some of those swings.
The last line is weak. You state that you are hoping “it” will never end, but what “it” are you talking about. Since the subject of the poem is the heat, the reader would naturally conclude that you are wishing the heat would never end, but since you state that you are wishing for cooler days, that would be a contradiction, which can work if you clarify it for the reader. You may also be stating that you wish the swinging will never end, which would be less interesting in my opinion.
swinging back and forth on the porch swing,
wishing for cooler days and hoping it'll never end. -
Ooh, I love cicadas. I miss them here in Georgia.
Those things put me to sleep.
Great piece. You're talented at penning emotion and imagery together. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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