It assaulted me like
a broken keyboard
slapping its wings across
my face-
tickling me in places
I never knew existed
And even when I had
given up
its body latched onto me
like an untamed sickness
and that odd sensation
danced circles around me
like I needed to sneeze
Of course I knew it
was more than that
especially the way its
face was pinned
looking like a mannequin
in need of a nose job
or a really expensive face lift
But the light seemed so
sickly appealing
and instead of screaming
I fell into it
and watched with awe
as it stirred me up
like flavored tea
I would have thought
the whole thing was a dream
especially since I woke
up hungry
and I would have just
dropped it
if it weren’t for the stains
on my favorite
blue sheets
Author notes
*option 1*
Okay, well, I hope this is a step up from the first contest I entered. lol And I hope you find me [insert word here] enough to be on your favorites list.
As for the poem...for those of you who want to know the truth, my sheets aren't blue. They're...well...a mix of orange and yellow and green. Hey, they match my yellow walls. I guess you could say the rest is based off of...some unfortunate events.
A contest entry
- Open House by Nicole Hanna.
2000 points, ended July 9, 2007, 39 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do You Deserve To Be On My Favourites? by Allure of a Rose.
950 points, ended July 22, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think, and how I can improve
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very... off the [yellow] wall! xD
Loved this stanza:
"And even when I had
given up
its body latched onto me
like an untamed sickness
and that odd sensation
danced circles around me
like I needed to sneeze"
This piece was... mesmerizing, in a way that I haven't been inclined to be swept into in quite some time.
For me this was a really fast poem, very unlike another reader commented, saying it was quite relaxed- I must say I love that aspect of it. Versatility and open-ness, especially that of interpretation is something I admire, and personally fancy.
Great job.
-Allura
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Wow!
Had me banging up against the limit stops and left me hanging. Breathless. Would change 'like I needed to sneeze' to 'as if'.
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But the light seemed so
sickly appealing
and instead of screaming
I fell into it
and watched with awe
as it stirred me up
like flavored tea
Mmmm...flavored tea. Just loved that stanza and its imagery. Stirring. I like stirring things...lol. Okay, I'll shut up and concentrate now, lol, but this is one of those pieces where you want to savor the imagery, suck up the words and let it roll over your tongue. I really enjoyed the warmth and relaxed feel presented here, the invite to daydream on a daybed...or at least that's how I felt.
Good stuff.
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Lol "some unfortunate events"? lol I love author notes like that, because they make me go back and read the poem for all those little nuances that really make me believe I know what the events are. The final stanza is so well done and yes, a step up from the first contest (I remember that piece too! lol) And, having just re-read it a third time
I discovered there are actually three or four ways to read this. Though you may have had a particular story or "happening" in mind, you wrote it in such a way, that I'm still allowed to take your words and experience them through things that have happened in my own life. I hope that makes sense. lol. Yeah... a definite step up
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I'm so glad that you were able to see this from different points of view. I sometimes get bored with poetry that's too...'one way'. (I'm bad with words) I was slightly worried about this piece, because well, you know how I can be. A little too sarcastic for my own good, that can leave me a little unpoetic. But this was more serious and I wasn't sure if it was going to come out all that well.
By the way, I read your poem about a woman and children and five miles (sorry for not knowing the title exactly
) and it was mind-blowing. I've given up commenting to tell you, you rock. lol I'm guessing you already know that. 
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lol, and see, I thought that piece was too "matter of fact" to be likeable. I guess we're all a little unsure of ourselves at times. lol. But seriously, this was really good. Don't second guess it.
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