Wheels that spark and stutter,
Lips that kiss and mutter;
The mindless tongue that slips to caress,
Soul meets soul at this address.
Lovers eyes, his gleaming of ember,
Two that she cried not to remember.
Parting from his ominous, yet clement feel,
Taking her heart was never part of the deal.
The aching soul that pounds within her chest,
The sulking shoulders which he gives to rest,
Have all been given, but she knows to be taken back,
For there are portions of this law in which they lack.
Never to meet his gaze again,
Not even for a now and then,
Acknowleding alternate attitudes, should she accept,
He has no need, for the rechid heart she has kept.
With a sting that will split the world,
She will leave with her heart unfurled,
In the mess, of which he had undone,
For now they are two, no longer one.
As he moves on with a smile on his face,
He never quite understood the meaning of his place.
What she felt was never returned,
Everything of love, had crashed and burned.
The needle still remains, as the world cracks in two,
Confused and stuttering, she lacks of knowing what to do.
The poison leaks, smell drifting from her fingers,
It burns and tingles, from what emotion lingers.
Is there still a heart,
Since they had fallen apart?
Her emotion is lost, hollowed and scarred,
Lost in an onyx oblivion, her vocals jarred.
As an empty scream, shattered in space,
The scar of the sting, earth wrapped in lace.
Prince charming in return, finds what he left behind,
Is now a heartless soul, rotting at mind.
Author notes
"with a sting that will split the world"
I tried going with something a little less.. Evil I suppose. Most of my poetry is extremely dark, and even though this kinda is, I tried loosening it up a bit.
Didnt work all too well.
A contest entry
- a plethora of poem ideas; storybook wings & leaves in the sky. by DancingRed.
300 points, ended June 22, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Not my best write...
Comments
-
Poetic Devices - 18/30
Wicked imagery and descriptions. Good alliteration in places, which really adds to the piece - “onyx oblivion”, “alternate attitudes” Rhyme... well, personally, I think it makes a poem seem lopsided if you know what I mean.
Individuality - 22/25
Theme of depression is a tad overdone, but you pulled it off really well - the WAY you express feelings is unique, no matter what the feeling are. You also strayed from many cliched rhyming words, which is great.
Overall Impact/Emotional Engagement - 20/20
Yes.. it was good. It was awesome. Perhaps it was because of the depressing, self-pitying topic that made it so easy for anyone to relate to.
Vocabulary - 10/10
One reason your imagery is so spectacular is that you’ve dared to use great words. It adds tons of power to your piece. It also makes your rhyme sound not tacky in the slightest - cheap rhyme uses unimaginative words.
Layout/Organisation - 5/5
Structured well to suit the rhyming nature of the poem.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation - 2/5
Too many commas really, where I feel a line break would have been more suitable. Although, because of the rhyme I guess they were needed. Also, I think you meant ‘acknowledging’ in the fourth stanza.
Background & Font - 5/5
Earthy. I like it; suits well.
Score - 84
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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