I. "Day's Crust"
my saliva was dry I could feel you coming
the door opened up too soon
invitation to bring me down was left written
plain bold letters like coal on my forehead
time stood still only for that moment
when I gave it up
when I gave it up too soon
you remain in the air
the stench is nauseating
it was nearly six PM I could feel it shaking
the Earth beneath me
it was only the train rattling through
what I could piece together in my mind
I could remember you whispering it would be OK
far off from now
it couldn't be safe
between my legs I was bleeding
so the touch of your hands made warmth
so the touch of your fingers made thoughts dissipate
it wouldn't make much difference
after the heartache knowing
just knowing you had continued to push into me
even after your decision had been made
I left my identity with you
in your hands, you scribbled me off
in a room I can barely breath in
I think of you
now I see you've gone off
left me to self-destruct
glued my hips to the floor so no other
could tear these legs apart
and see the blood had dried there
I couldn't wash you out
it wasn't safe to stain the air with you
how am I suppose to breathe
left alone and bleeding
my lungs are filled; the stench is nauseating
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
II. "And You're Not Sorry"
It hurts to know you're still alive. The cradle I was rocked in was only your secret snakeway into my legs gateway. I know you were laughing inside underneath the pleasure of sex, I know you were finding it amusing that you were going to break this heart.
I could say I should have had more control over myself. I could say this is entirely my fault for letting you in too fast. Over a year of knowing who you are, or what I thought you were, is obviously not enough. I could not have seen this coming ... where I would pour my trust into your glass and you would slide it down the throat. How easily you consumed the thought of me loving you. How easily you used that to your advantage. It doesn't matter these days since I cannot go back and you cannot return "the first time". I wish I could have seen the lighter beneath my lungs. They were crisping from your cigarette smoke that I so kindly asked you to put out but you. YOU. You blew it in my face and I swallowed, coughed, and shed a tear.
You told me you could not handle my sadness. The sadness that rained down on me after you told me we were through. You told me my tears were too much. I didn't know crying was such a mess for you to clean up.
Even after all of this you still believe you can come into my bedroom, 1AM, sneak passed my sheets and wedge yourself between these legs. You still think you can come in and insult my soul after the glorified injury. You still think you can. It made me throw up my stomach and swallow it down the wrong tube. My lungs were burning under your lighter now just filled with contents I couldn't even begin to describe. The contents of how you truly made me feel. The ones we cannot define. And you're not sorry are you ... for the love and trust ... and time you took from me.
Author notes
I hope I got the contest right ... I did two separate pieces ... a poem and a letter. I didn't read over these and I'm not going to edit because I can't. Damn him.
Top 5 Breakup Songs:
"Day Old Hate" by City & Colour
"Strange Days" by Matthew Good Band
"And You" by Lennon
"Crestfallen" by The Smashing Pumpkins
"Half Sorry" by Emm Gryner
I - the poem is suppose to relate to "Day Old Hate" and "Strange Days" (as well as the content)
II - the letter is suppose to relate to "And You" and "Half Sorry" (oh I wish I could give this to him)
OH PS - I won't respond to anyone's comments until after the contest closes so be patient folks
A contest entry
- YOUR Break Up Songs!!! by BareBeast.
300 points, ended June 29, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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such an amazing write. be proud of this one!
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holy fucking christ.
this... this was amazing. a mouthful of emotions that I am still having a hard time fully swallowing.
Your words leave me rattling, shaking inside like I am a child's play thing. And my legs are shaking too. I felt this way after my first time. My whole body was shivering even though I was hot and he was hot and the room was warm. And afterward... I left him to sleep on the floor where it was cold because that felt right. And that's what I felt like when I read this piece. The heat but the constant attack of shivers running up and down my spine as if it were a running track.
This guy who did this to you... let's just say he is lucky that I don't live up there. I would fucking kill him. He took something that is so precious to you and threw it over his shoulder like a brunt cigarette bud. That's disgusting. He's a fucking monster. And how could he treat you this way? After you are so clearly hurting, he still uses you for his pleasure.
I think you should give this to him. Slip it under his door and walk away. And if he chooses to come after you and ask for your forgiveness... maybe there is still a little man left in him. But if not, he is not worth this heartache. Even now, he is not. Darling, stand up for yourself. Don't let him control you this way, don't let him treat you like his toy! You can't let him ride over you. You must stand above this, and I promise you will feel better. He has done so much hurt to you, you can't let him get away with this or the wound will never heal fully.
all my love ♥
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This is heartbreaking. And you know what? You remind me of the song "Gallery" by Mario Vazquez. Although I'm sure you weren't with this guy for money as the situation is in the song, the lyrics still seem to ring true. "After he's done dulling your shine
You're out the door and he's through with you" Really, he took a piece of you and then just kinda threw you overboard. Grr!
Anyway, about this...
"invitation to bring me down was left written
plain bold letters like coal on my forehead"
I like the way you took that "It's written all over your face." saying, and really made it visible.
"I left my identity with you
in your hands, you scribbled me off"
And this was just a great part.
The letter has a slightly more personal feel to it, which is to be expected, really. It gives a deeper dip into your thoughts/feeling, and that's good because this situation is all about YOU. You're the one who was wronged, and you deserve to shove everything right back at him.
"I could not have seen this coming ... where I would pour my trust into your glass and you would slide it down the throat. How easily you consumed the thought of me loving you. How easily you used that to your advantage."
That makes me want to ban men to another planet. Just when you think they're fine, they pull something like this...
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Wow - the poem just blew me away. The images are raw and I think you get very personal in this piece. The poem is more about the situation that occurred while still involving your emotions - which are clearly presented as sadness and anger (or at least that's the way I saw it).
I love the way the piece connects the beginning to the end, you tie everything together, and yet you're able to venture into a wide spectrum of what you were feeling without being stuck in one angled viewpoint.
The letter, is a letter in poetic form. It flowed so smoothly and I was left astounded with the metaphors that you wrapped around realism.
"I wish I could have seen the lighter beneath my lungs. [...] My lungs were burning under your lighter now just filled with contents I couldn't even begin to describe"
That is amazing - That illustration, out of all the brilliant images in this, truly stands out to me. I don't know, but to me, it brings to mind a destructive furnace that someone implants in you, that they keep feeding until they make you burn up and turn into ash. I'm probably completely off, but both the poem and the letter is completely amazing.
Great work.
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Wow. I liked how this was laid out, and the break up songs etc.
The first poem was good, I really liked it. It was so detailed and graphic. I feel you could do with some punctuation though. I also thought the ending was quite abrupt. I know you said you haven't looked back at it, but perhaps one day you should, I just have the feeling that it really needs something to give it a proper ending.
'glued my hips to the floor so no other
could tear these legs apart
and see the blood had dried there
I couldn't wash you out'
I love this bit. It's so .. EVERYTHING. graphic. sad. angry. I really enjoyed it.
The second one had to be my favourite. I just have knack for heart breaking things, but this one was just WOW. I indulged in every word of it, because it was filled with hurt and betrayl.
'You told me you could not handle my sadness. The sadness that rained down on me after you told me we were through. You told me my tears were too much. I didn't know crying was such a mess for you to clean up'
People like that piss me off. I didn't ask you to clean anything up, just be there for me. I liked those lines though, really emphasises the betrayl.
'You still think you can come in and insult my soul after the glorified injury. '
Those are the best lines throught the whole piece, 'glorified injury'. WOW.
Lastly, I'm quite sorry for all the pain you've endured from realtionships. I can't say anything that will make it better, because quite frankly I'm shit at that stuff. But I'm here and I care.
I seriously wish you all the best in this contest.
<33
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