there's a birthmark in my eye
a hot temper quietly brewing
underneath my pale skin
sometimes I sing offkey
choose the wrong thing
laugh so hard I find tears
you looked me in my birthmarked eye
swore you loved it all
liar
Author notes
oh, the memories.
A contest entry
- ~~~Tickle your muses #4~~~ by phoenixonfire.
300 points, ended July 17, 2007, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOLD WINNING PREWRITES [How about we give that poem a second trophy, how does that sound?] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended July 29, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Golden Gallant - Pre-writes for Gold Brilliance by Namita.
300 points, ended August 4, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Nice metaphor and good penning. Godo luck, congrats on teh gold and thanxx for entering.
Luv,
Candy
-
I love the metaphor.
Hmm, I like this.
Thanks for entering, good luck to you.
-
this is great and it tells more truth than some might think
-
ASTOUNDING! U have no idea how much I liked this! I even sent this to my best friend and she was like amazing..the concept of birthmarked eye with the poisoned devotions is absolutely stunning! The last word liar exemplifies the beauty of the words into a stunning composition! I absolutevly love this write..there is no doubt about it!
Off to finalists u go!
Thanks for entering and good luck!
hugs n kisses
preets
-
-
thank you muchly!
-
-
This is very good. There is a real bitterness here, coupled with concise and unsentimental self-revelation.
sometimes I sing offkey
choose the wrong thing
laugh so hard I find tears
I especiallly like this line, not sure why, there is just a wondrous simplicity about it. I reckon "laugh so hard I find tears" could work better as simply "laugh so hard I cry", just because it is more stark, but that's just my taste.
The last stanza could also be improved. It is good the way it is, but it lets the flow of the piece down a little.
you looked me in the eye
the one with the birthmark too
swore you loved it all
"the one with the birthmark too" could go, if you ask me. Perhaps
you looked me in my birthmarked eye
and swore you loved it all
It's just a suggestion, so naturally don't feel compelled to listen to me.
Sorry if this seems critical, but it's only because I really do like this poem.
Fine work
K. F.
-
-
OH MAN! I love that last revision. I am totally changing that right away!
I wanted to say, "Laugh so hard I cry", but it seemed a little cliche... mehh..
But anyhow, thanks for the comment!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
