He saw her that day,
didn`t think it would end up this way.
Felt nothing, didn`t think she`d stab him in the heart.
But he now knows that he needs to his part,
and move on with his life,
get away from the knife
in his face,
"Gotta get away from this place"
he says, "run away from all this pain."
Blamed his heart for this stain,
left imprinted on his skin
Felt he did the biggest sin,
because of her and that smile,
She made him feel he could take on any trial,
but he was wrong,
This feeling was too strong,
It made him bleed, if not his heart, then his soul,
Left him with nothing but just one big, black hole,
He didn`t show how he felt,
Thought it would just remain a memory on his belt,
But she gained power overtime,
She told him to leave, is all she would chime.
He finally had enough, but it`s not like it seems.
"She still manages to kill my dreams,"
Author notes
This is a poem for my brother. He`s suffering a lot for some stupid girl, and I hate seeing him that way. He loves this type of poetry, so I thought I`d give it a shot. I know it`s not good, so please tell me any flaws or things I can fix to make it better.
This is my first attempt at what I think is Slam Poetry, so please tell ALL the flaws this has.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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good
awww!!!!!!!! this poem is so sad nd i think its really good too! i don't care if you don't write this this is really REALLY good!!!!!!!!!!
definetly keep writing! i love how you put words together and how the ryming works and how all the words fit. none of them seemed forced or anything.... REALLY good write and tell your brother i wish him luck... any girl who would hurt him that badly isn't worth his love.
Kat
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i really believe that this is actually good.
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I really didn't see this as a slam poem. To me a slam poetry is right in ones face, like slam. And I don't think this is. I really love the write, it's very sweet yet with a lot of anger, but I wouldn't call it a slam poem.
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I know, I know
I know that`s how slam works, but I don`t think I`d really want to go up to his face and randomly say this him. He`d be like, "What the hell are you talking about?"
Thank you for the comment though! I really appreciate it! =D
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I'm not really acquianted with slam poetry, so I can't really critique on that, but I can tell you that it does sound good from here
I'm sorry your brother is going through this, it cannot be easy on him. I hope your poem makes him feel better. -
Ya know, it's kinda hard to slam, slam. lol This really isn't bad at all for a first attempt...I really hope your brother comes around before any permanent damage is done. Best wishes.
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