So Anna and I
drove that old Buick
through the sideways rain,
down by Deviation lane
to the jail house.
Past the road house,
Beyond the coffee house,
Then stopped by the farm house,
to twist one up,
for when we bailed out Jeffrey.
I'll never forget the sight
of that broken down soul,
standin in the rain
outside the jail house gates.
It was just a belly full of beer,
and a couple of angry women
that landed him there
in the first place.
We wondered why we bother
with this hopeless spirit.
Old Jeffrey owed everybody,
He used his arm for a pin cushion,
and his legs for losing the heat.
The heartland maniac,
tryin to hit the big time.
A blind man with a gun,
broke and hungry.
The original loose cannon,
With a heart as big as the sky.
That old Buick was the roof
over our heads
we always prayed for.
The vast endless highway,
it was all that we had left now.
Jeffrey had no one but us.
We just had one another,
But oh how we laughed.
A contest entry
- Rhyme,Lyrics, Prose, Dirty Pretty. by Antebellum.
800 points, ended September 24, 298 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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So Anna and I
I love how you started it off like you were having an actual face to face type conversation.
very nice.
Amazing imagery, wonderfuk description.
thanks for entering,
good luck -
'Me and Bobby Mcgee' in the Bermuda Triangle
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Absolutely adored it!
So Anna and I" I loved the way you started this out...it grabbed my attention immediately.
Bravo and well done!
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very good
your way of characterisation is brilliant -
No, this is probably one of the best pieces I've read in a while. It is simple in it's small complexities.
You painted a picture not only with imagery but with so much voice. Then this picture just unfolded and then similar experiences that I've had unfolded and needless to say... this is a good example of how to reach an audience.
Thank you for a GREAT read!
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Love the storyline here my friend, this is beautiful. Love the imagery, the language is supurb as it lives and breathes upon the page, very fine stuff! Loved it.
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no words.
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Ok
Much more meaning here for me. after what you have told me. life experience. that it what gives a poet his strongest writes. there are many dimensions to your work I am finding. I have been back to read many over and over... learning from you brother... this is the bar for how it is done all here could benefit from your grand examples. I will be afar better poet for finding you here among the dabblers of the poetic word. like the cream you rose to the top where I found you quickly. only a few weeks here to nerrow it down from hundreds. there are others here but few they are who can rise to such art. -
What a touch
these stories are so riviting. I can't peal away until I have finnished very nice with your style. Novelist could be one of your life accomplishments if it is not already. well written
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Great....
Amazing...I love how you describe these people!! I dunno if i'd wanna meet them though lol...
congrats and keep wright i'll be looking out 4 more
tibby -
Why do all Jefferys match this description? Lol.
Very nicely written piece. Felt like I was on the highway with you guys. And how sweet of you to twist one up for the guy. I really like this, good job, keep it up!
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mmm. i hadnt read this one.
i like that you ended it on a happy note.
and as always, you story-telling prowress
is second to none.
and oh how we laughed.
and laughed, and laughed. -
But oh how we laughed
Lowell,Lowell,Lowell. You make me want to hit the highway with you guys. you're one hell of a storyteller. the more i read your writing the farther
back in time i go to when i was a 70's flowerchild.
but i'm lovin every minute of it.
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this is another favorite for me, love it, i was there!!
i love the way you do that!! x
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I like this.
Poignant, and colorful. -
Your such an incredible story teller. I always feel for all of your characters. Your style creates an atmosphere that evokes a response from every sense, which is a talent found in only a very few.
This is wonderful!
Always,
V
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You are an amazing weaver of fine tales Liam. Always entranced with your imagination and that you would open the door and invite us in to your wonderful thoughts is quite delightful. Thank you for this piece, I am sure Jeffrey is quite grateful. Much love Mr. Liam!
Kelly~
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ahhhhhhhh
The story is beautiful. A great storyline. The imagery made me feel like i was actually there. Watching as it all unfolded. Wonderfurfully selected last line. Fit it well.
ing alone,
Mylee -
poor Jeffrey
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I loved the story line to this and the last lines were great. Yes you can have joy when all you really have is eachother. An inspiring write dear poet thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.
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What I really like about this poem is the sense of intimacy it creates with the reader. I felt as if I were part of this band of wanderers...simply grateful to have a roof over my head, even if only the roof of a time-worn Buick.
Really made me stop and think how unthankful I can be..the Good Lord gives so many blessings I routinely take for granted, as if I am entitled somehow.
But really, it is in sharing our good fortune with others (such as Jeffrey) that we recall just how undeserving we are ourselves. If it wasn't for the grace of God...well, we'd all have been left on the side of the highway to fend for ourselves long ago.
Much love...Tabby
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I am loving it. Great imagery. Can almost see them at the farmhouse twisting one up to share with Jeffrey....too funny....you write beautifully!
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aw man..this is amazing work...
Now I know that my comparison to Morrison was no fluke. These words are as powerful and poignant as any of those I so love by Bruce Springsteen, or Bob Dylan, or so many other wonderful writers.
So nice to read such good stuff.
Mat
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I love this one!!I'll comment it again! I always enjoy your poems...
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I really liked the in-depth emotion that really got you picturing the scene.
This was a marvelous poem.
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this poem is really good. i like the first stanza quite a bit. and i really liked the end to this poem. and it was different. lol. like, a different kind of star crossed lover tale, but it was still good all the same. keep up the good work!
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Smartly done
I agree with a previous poster. The first stanza really draws you in.. Nice job. -
I liked the story this told. Reminds me of some of the old black and white movies I used to watch although I'm not sure why. You did a good job with flow and word choices. I like this piece.
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Sounds companionable to me, like Jeffrey could still provide you with laughter and friendship. A great country sort of write with some vivid detail adding flavour.
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After reading all the entries you have and all the comments other Poets have made and I agree with them.
You are a tallented writer you keep on writing and I will keep on reading.
You would have a Gold in my book.
ED.
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This sounds like you're telling an old story round a campfire, very nicely done.
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SWEET!
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Nice job on this Lowell! Good story and it made me smile! THANKS!!!
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this is interesting. i like the rhythm of the first stanza. it is very unique. good write and good luck!
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This is a unique and emotion-filled poem. Each line leads to the next. A stirring write. Thanks for entering!
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oh sorry Lowell, I have commented on this before. Still enjoyed reading it again though, one of those classic tales one never tires of.
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I really enjoyed this piece. It spoke to me of compassion for a lost soul that without the two of them would not have had anyone. Sometimes it just takes a few special hearts to help heal a lost soul. great read. -mandie-
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*gasp* WOOOOOOW!!! My poetic master has done it again! This is just purely a wonderful delight in reading such artwork!
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This is really absolutely wonderful. Just in the first few lines I already love your style here, and what's being talked about, I can relate, I'd like to think. I love the way you talk about things... like rather than events or even... trying to be poetic about it, it seems you have these easygoing mysticism that is factual at the same time. I'm gonna read it again.
Heartland maniac stanza... pure gold. Really chokes me up by the time I get to "how we laughed".
Epic. Hits home. Really love it. Really.
-HCP
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Sweet! Absolutely fantastic. Reminds me of Kerouac. Hip and contemporary. Tells a great story without judging. Great lines throughout.
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What a wonderful story, there is a great love that shines through this, the kind of friendship grown from shared vulnerability, understanding a need that goes beyond the surface reality.
Jeffrey had no one but us.
We just had one another,
But oh how we laughed.
what a perfect ending!
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a great write. I would have given you gold for this one. Keep up the great work.
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What an enjoyable story to read, and what a fond memory that must be. It would be nice if we would enjoy what ever life unfolds before us . And to enjoy it with friends would make it even better. Thanks for the joy you have shared with us.
May you be blessed, and have a great day.
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I see that I have previously commented on this piece, but it was quite a trite and pathetic little coment, so I'm going to remedy that.
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Reminds me of a song... You paint things so well. I can see Jeffrey waiting out in the rain. Can also see you twistin' one up, LOL.
I love this stanza:
"We wondered why we bother
with this hopeless spirit.
Old Jeffrey owed everybody,
He used his arm for a pin cushion,
and his legs for losing the heat."
But everyone knows how its so easy to love Jeffrey, as you describe next.... "The heartland maniac,
tryin to hit the big time.
A Blind man with a gun,
broke and hungry.
The original loose cannon,
With a heart as big as the sky."
Who wouldnt love him?
And you end with your epic images of travelin'. You painted this one like a kitchen!
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amazing how one person can change our lives and bring back memories. Jeffrey had no one but us, that is one of my favorite lines. Jeffrey was lucky to have you. many people enter our lives and alter it in many ways.. you were probably very important to him..
this is a very powerful and inspirational poem
thank you for entering & good luck
kat
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I remembered this poem after the first line... I commented on it way back in August.. I loved it then and I love it now.. you have to be kidding me that this has never won the Gold.. it has a old detective novel and a lyrical way that makes you want it to keep going on in to a novel... and why do you not do that? I love it and do not get stuck up about it and be miserly keep people waiting forever write more... going to your site to see if you have lol
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Yes... It is quite lyrical... But, I like how you wrote it. It is a very interesting story. But, I would like to say that you should refrain from using the same word in the same three lines right next to each other... if you know what i mean.. It kinda makes it all awkward. Like in the first few lines you used "house" too many times.... I suggest rewording that, unless you did it on purpose.
~ Anywho... Great job
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This is very lyrical. It reminds me of a Tom Waits song! I love story telling in poetry. I really enjoyed the lines,
"The heartland maniac,
tryin to hit the big time.
A Blind man with a gun,
broke and hungry.
The original loose cannon,
With a heart as big as the sky."
I like the single lines at the end. It gives it a nice touch! -
The main thing in life is to laugh and build the memories sweetly from the past...niaish my brother Ten Bears for sharing your life with me
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Touching showing gratitude
nicelly done
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What wonderful memories, such a amazing journey you have taken me on. Wonderful imagery and emotions within. I so enjoyed reading. Niaish for sharing
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Good
A very moving and heart felt poem, thought provoking yet gentle. Your word choices are clever, feeling, descriptive, and imaginative. The story line reflects the harmony created between people of one heart, different yet closely connected in a very fundamental and crucial way.
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A strong write that involved the reader from beginning to end. Imagery is excellent. Well done...mal
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Very well written...a love write of memories and the journels one takes in life...
Best to you! -
i enjoyed this AND will give my suggestions that may make it even stronger:
more emphasis on diakect - don't know why but presumed this was set in the SOUTH? well not so many said/thought words ending in oerfect 'd's perhaps??? more slangy expressions? tell/show us wjat kind of BUICK it was? colour shape year? ple-e-ze take this as it was intended constructive criticism suggestions nothing more i thought the tone/tenor of thus very good thanks for sharing regards zaj -
hey! i recognize this poem!
I read it way back in July and commented on it back then. I liked it then...I like it now.
I love it when pieces stay good...as we remain ever changing, sometimes what once was good, goes very, very bad....but that is not this case. yay!
Thanks for entering!
Cheers!
S -
Excellent, evocative poem.
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This is a beautiful poem... very well written... I really like the way you have brought your words to life without being overly verbose I'm glad I stumbled on this... my favorite lines were 'the original loose cannon...'
Keep writing
Polly -
I have worked in a prison and I have seen these lost souls - you put in beautiful words, it reminds me of the humanity that you can always find if you bother looking closely enough. Cheers!
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this was really amazing!very thoughtful word-combinations you've got in here!well done indeed!keep it up!
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Nice :)
Lowell, very nice poem here.
"We wondered why we bother with this hopeless spirit.
Old Jeffrey owed everybody,
He used his arm for a pin cushion,
and his legs for losing the heat."
Were my favorite lines...They just stood out at me...The way you conveyed all that was really well done.
Keep it up, and Happy Holidays
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I love it!
Beauty captured in ink... I am left speechless. Amazing job...
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I think that this poem is going to strike a chord in a lot of people. God, don't we all know someone who can't stay out of trouble.
I have one question, though. I know I'll probably get a lot of grief for asking this, but what does "twist one up" mean? Sorry for being so ignorant. -
This is a great poem ...
it reminds me of John Steinbeck being channeled by Carl Sandburg. I can't imagine how you could do better than that.
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Ok! Now that's just flat out wierd!! I wanted to come leave you another comment since I haven't been around much and I'm reading this and reading this... And I realized I've read this one before! I just know it! I read it a long time ago on this site and that's just freaky. Have you re-posted this from an old collection of yours or something? I really liked this one the first time I read it and I've remembered it after all this time. How funny.
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WOW!
This stark reality made me wince. Sadly, a lot of people have moments in life very similar to these. Anyway, you did a great job!! Hurry and enter "The Great Triangle" in a contest!!!
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yet another great piece hun, i love the way this comes together, and how it goes from something so..sad is the wrong word...to "But oh how we laughed" i love the way it changes emotion like that
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This is simply wonderful! I love the imagery, and the descriptive words you chose were creative, "He use his arm for a pin cusion", The dramatic imagery had me locked in, it was like watching a well written play unfold. Very nice! I loved every syllable of this.
A fantastic write my friend!
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great
I simply wish to give you appreciation for this good poem. well done ^^
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Interesting;
I keep reading the ending of this and it seems to change each time; a sinister, confusing, and therefore thoroughly brilliant, last line:
"But oh how we laughed".
Well done.
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wow another beautiful write from lowel poe at my young age this even string for me as my friend is allways in rehab and shit well not friend stepbro but i consider him a friend this is a good story and really alot of people could relate to
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Good intentions, poor execution and bad judgement. EVen though a friend is a screw up, we stand by them, we pick them up from jail, we hope the good wins out over the bad. It's what friends do. This struck a cord for me.
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you did a good job expressing your friendship and I enjoyed reading this. It was sad but it tells how much of a good friend you are.
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this is good but sad. It shows what friendship is all about. Even if you know a friend is wrong you will stand by them. very good write.
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This is a beautiful piece of work, such a free feeling about it, the honesty, yes, truely brilliant.
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Kinda sad...
But oh how we laughed.
You make the ending poignant and lingering! the last line implies that only you could see the humor, like there is a hidden joke or meaning that no one else understands. Good job there.
I alos like this as a sort of short story. It talks about a remembrance, present day, and leaves it open-ended for something else. Very nice. this also flows smoothly and reads beautifully. -
twist one up...
Brilliant... this is my type of poetry! Down and dirty and in your face and begging no pardons. I love your clever word choices which evoked an imagery so vivid I could smell the beer on his breath and see the marks on his arm. The last line provides us with a change of pace... a softer place to land!
Great work!
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I am old enough to get it lol
and to love it steals my heart there but for the grace of God goes I.
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It brings a smile to my face reading this. It's a wonder how one can be so happy living with so little. It shows that great appreciation overcomes you and doesn't blind you with greed. Great write, I enjoyed it well.
Miss Marie -
Jeffrey had no one but us.
We just had one another,
But oh how we laughed.
Great ending!
Brings to mind that song by rod the bod...damn, what was the name of it...in the early eighties...
young hearts be free tonight
time is on your side..
can't remember any more.
got into the goodies kind of early!
Always,
Jin
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"The heartland maniac,
tryin to hit the big time.
A Blind man with a gun,
broke and hungry.
The original loose cannon,
With a heart as big as the sky"
There is so much great image in this!
"It was just a belly full of beer,
and a couple of angry women that landed him there in the first place"
...and
"He used his arm for a pin cushion,
and his legs for losing the heat"
I really like these images a lot...I love this story too...it reminds me of my dad a lot...he has a habit to drink a few too many and disturb the peace...but he's still my buddy.
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this story reminded me of my dad quite too much
i really liked it alot
sounded very calmly written and peaceful in a way
-suicidal revenge-
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Interesting story! Very good hook in the beginning. Just one question... What inspired you to write this? It is truly unique!
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sounds like a true bond of friendship. people always make mistakes, but the true test of friendship is if you stick around for one another afterwards.
I throughly enjoyed this poem. I liked it's story-telling style and the whole idea that you and Anna were there for Jeffery, despite his mistakes tugged at my heart strings. my favorite line?
"I'll never forget the site of that broken down soul"
(although, I think 'site' should be spelled 'sight'.)
I found the line truely poetic and I could imagine just what Jeffery looked like in that moment.
What a great piece of writing!!! -
Impressive write my friend
We all make mistake and thats not a reason to reject one another. When one are blood we need the support of each other in hard times. I can see you have a big heart my friend. The world need more people like you. To spend love around the world and see life like you do. (LISA)
"The vast endless highway,
it was all that we had left now.
Jeffrey had no one but us.
We just had one another,
But oh how we laughed."
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Sometimes all you have is each other, and that makes all the difference in the world. This caught me by surprise, I am not usually into writes that don't rhyme, but this was really good. It seems kind of dream-like the way it flows and the imagery is very strong.
We just had one another,
But oh how we laughed.
Truthful and nitty gritty, great write,
~WindsAngel~
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this is a very interesting piece. I am not quite sure what to think of it, but its good in its own way. I like the details you put in here. They add alot to the poem/story. Good job.
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I loved this. The casuality of the piece is beautiful and just how you stated everything. it was truly beautiful
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the casual, converstional tone is great for this... it states things straight out, doesn't try to blur the truth into sentimental idealistic beauty (as i'm perhaps sometimes guilty of). instead it faces the gritty reality
"Old Jeffrey owed everybody,
He used his arm for a pin cushion...
The heartland maniac,
tryin to hit the big time..."
i think its this honesty that gives Jeffery and this story its credibility and strength, and along with the nicely chosen details ("That old Buick through sideways rain") brings this vividly to life and makes this clear-eyed disillusioned act of compassion all the more striking and powerful. the ending is great too, simple but effective.
not sure what "lossin the heat" is supposed to be and i think "The original lose cannon" is maybe suppose to be "loose cannon." but beyond that hairsplitting, wonderful work.
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BRILLIANT
This is a touching piece of poetic royalty. I am just like this, I would give you the shirt off my poetic back. This is a real gem!!!!!!!!! sweet
POETDONTKNOWIT
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I like it
I like this one alot, its different i have not read on here a whole lot yet, but this one is a good start.
"That old Buick was the roof over our heads that we always prayed for.
The vast endless highway,
it was all that we had left now.
Jeffrey had no one but us.
We just had one another,
But oh how we laughed."
I like this part the most. I like how you worded it, it flowed really nicely the whole piece did. -
This had a fabulous rhythm and rhyme to it! What a great read Creative and full of imagery, wonderful work and my pleasure to read ~Tia
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This poem is you! this is just how you would treat a friend no matter what, you would always be there...Thats why you are my brotherJeffrey had no one but us. We just had one another, But oh how we laughed...i do like this very much and it gives a sad but yet happy feeling all at the same time
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I really enjoyed it. Keep writing.
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Reminds me of my carefree days with college buddies!
Nice! -
wow
good job, well written, I like how it tells a complete story but yet is still a poem! keep on writing, you have artistic talent! -
kewlness
This was awesome. I loved the message to this. How you're there for someone no matter what. Jeffrey had done so much, but still you were willing to take him in. Great write and great job!!!
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This was an wonderful story poem. You led us through this one minor moment in time, with imagery and emotion and tenderness and yet did it with honesty and caring. wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
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