as tears fall from my eyes
in my head i hear your lies
a life wasted full of pain
some how without i know it wouldn't be the same
caged in this heart of glass
thinking about a horrid past
cant breakout their is no air
why cant life just be fair
bottom of the ocean floor
riddled with the bodies that love no more
never ending depths of pain
only the Gods may know our shame
walking across ground of fire
to reach the mountains higher
in the pines that touch the sky
you hear yourself ask why ?
all wrapped up in the safety of your thoughts
this feeling can not be bought
drifting softly to the earth now its time for rebirth .
A contest entry
- Break my heart. by FlaviusArrianus.
700 points, ended June 29, 2007, 43 entries
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500 points, ended June 28, 2008, 11 entries
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450 points, ended June 23, 2008, 16 entries
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600 points, ended July 7, 2008, 37 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Any kind of love by Dorian-Gray.
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I can really relate to this write, so thanks for entering. Love can be very painful.
"drifting softly to the earth now its time for rebirth"
I like that you ended with the feeling of hope, the sense of moving on to something better and leaving the pain behind. -
The only rhyming in this poem i enjoyed was the last line, i thought the rest of it was erm, i dont know how to explain, it just seemed a little forced? and it kinda ruins the flow for me. I thought you portayed the image well but i guess im just not a rhyming fan anyhow xD
Laura. -
The bodies on the ocean floor were a strong image for me. There are a few typos and I am not sure how this ties in with the prompt. Perhaps you are saying that this lying hurtful person does not deserve forgiveness. I'm not sure.
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Overall I like this poem though I find spelling errors distracting. You have some very nice imagery throughout. Thank you for your entry.
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There is no fairness is life. I enjoyed this piece and thank you for entering it in the contest.
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in the second verse, the line "cant breakout thier is no air" thier should be there.
other than that this is a well written poem, though the flow is a bit off in places and i personally dont prefer poems that ryhme. the idea of it is deep though, life, death, rebirth. living through our pasts and knowing every so often in a moment of clarity that we wouldnt change it if we could. all in all, i liked it, thank you.
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i love the whole thing for its flow an sad passion that ends in the prospect of rebirth
bottom of the ocean floor
riddled with the bodies that love no more
never ending depths of pain
only the Gods may know our shame
such a great word play
Good luck in the contest ^.^
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Oooh...so very deep and depressing. Well written. Good luck
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again, i feel as i read these dirty pretty poems I think to myself: what is the point?
plus, you've got some typo errors that are a bit annoying. sry, this is a contest entry, is it not? you want to present your best, do you not?
if you can write in this so-called dirty pretty form and write it beautifully while still capturing a grand idea, the larger than life, transcending message, then you will have gained my respect in the possibilities and potential of dirty pretty. til then, next. -
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I dont see where you have the right to go off on poems like this, acting all Ms Tough Bitch and everything.
"you've got some typo errors that are a bit annoying." You could easily have said that there were a few typos.
"sry, this is a contest entry, is it not? you want to present your best, do you not?" Well, that comes across as just rude. If its not what your looking for in a contest, you could have just as easily said that, instead of going of on some moronic little power trip. I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing little teenagers on this sight thinking that they are so much better than every other poet on this sight. It's posts like this from people like you that make this sight less enjoyable for everyone else on AP.
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Beautifully Sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The way you express your feelings in this is simply beautiful!!! But it is extremely sad and you sound like you are lost in hopelessness!!! It seems that you are desparate in this to find some happiness and at the same time wanting answers why your life has turned out to be this way, full of sadness. But you do speak of a lighter side toward the end. You know God is thw answer we are all looking for. Not to preach butif you humbly pray to him he will hear your cry for help, and will send it to answer your prayers!!! Thanks for sharing!!!~~Toni~~
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Though full of pain, it is beautifully written.
I love the last stanza, it pulls it all together,
"all wrapped up in the safety of your thoughts
this feeling can not be bought
drifting softly back to earth, now it's time for rebirth"
I think after suffering a painful loss, we have to absorb it a while in our minds, and then when we can let go, it's then time for rebirth!
Great job, love the wording!
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this is good sis. there's a few errors im sorry but i love the flow and this is sad.
"cant breakout thier is no air "...
it should be ...there's
"to reach the mountins higher "...
spelling-mountains
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Pure Beauty!
This is just sublimely beautiful! I am glad you are one of my favorites!
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Rebirth
yes we all who walk in the shadows of the Lord will be reborn. Death is only the beginning.
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This is chock full of pain hun, but you manage to pull that pain off and write about it with such grace... I love the wording and the rhyme of this one... beautifully sad
Karen -
WOW. All I can think of for this one is WOW! This has to be one of the best ones you have written, Sis. Linda says the same thing.
caged in this heart of glass
thinking about a horrid past
Thats my favorite part of this one, other than the ending, which is stunning.
You did an awe-inspiring job in this one for creating a great flow and using descriptive words to create imaging, which is hard to do because of the limitations of writing in rhyme. Brilliant piece, one I am EXTREMELY proud of you for.
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COOL
I LIKED IT. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK,,, -
this was good thanks for sharing
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i didn't really like the last couple of lines, but everything else seemed to be pretty well written, and i see talent, lots of talent..
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