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crystal

That oh-so-devilish look in your eye,
sends me, nobody, straight into the sky,
Your laughter, like nothing else,
save maybe angels,
flush with Life, or else that lure
of i don’t know what;
Simply is.

a smile plays across Those lips,
Your face transforms (with)
the rest of the world, and with a kiss,
a gift to no one, my universe,
melts away (to) everything
that ever Was and will Be. 

That twinkle of You, as
The brightest star,
forever burning, shining, soaring
through the vast darkness that is,
like Nothing, no one, never, ever,
could have.
For stars fade with time;
And the brightest city lights would do little to hide
That shine.   

smooth as the softest breeze,
and much more forgiving,
Those hands, that skin,
of alabaster-cloud, cinnamon,
the finest silk could not compare
to the most vulgar sandpaper,
if nothingness could be, as mine. 

Darker than the Dark,
Eyes deeper than their sounding
As physical restrictions fade to truth
and what seems to be is much less
than what Is, and must Be,
when i look into Those eyes, You.

to think that You might see in me,
something, anything, worth to see -
could a mortal to an angel’s eyes ever be
discerned from wretched mediocrity -
Is simply absurd. 

Author notes

RCC: 2007RC062

I wrote this last night, ran over it today.
Undoubtedly unfinished...and I have no idea what sort of response this will get - haven't written any real poetry since third grade, and this is certainly the first one that I have ever written of my own volition.

And yes, the capitalization has meaning, in case you couldn't figure that out...

So...what do you think?

-jason

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • XInsanity-FairX
    October 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this was a great write
    it was emotional, full of love and longing, expressed in just the right way

    personally i don't like the flow and the rhyme or the structure, but i think i get why you have done it like you have, it is original and the poem had a certain level of intelligence to it, a certain hidden depth or meaning

    thanks for entering and good luck
    xxx



  • whiterabbit.
    August 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really love the way this was written. This is a very beautiful poem and I love the way you made certain words stand out. Wonderful write.

  • Samantha Amergirdol
    August 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is very deep, I think, with a true poetic force behind hit. I really like your style in this one. Great job, keep it up.

    Thanks for entering!


  • N.W. Clerk
    July 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The passion and reverence in this piece are evident, to say the least! I liked the flow, and loved the imagery! Bravo!


  • XXbLAcKNAiLPoLisHXx
    June 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i really like this part
    That oh-so-devilish look in your eye,
    sends me, nobody, straight into the sky,
    keep up your great work

  • Raven Judge
    June 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You really have created a religion out of love, which, indeed, is its only place. I liked how you never put a face to your love, allowing for us to imagine only the purest reverance - without form - with only admiration. In your author's notes you state that the capitalization has meaning, which clearly comes through in the piece. My only suggestion for a change on this front is to capital "is" in line 7. Let me know what you think of this change, I'd be interested to hear.

    Addressing your use of flow in this piece: I felt it was inventive and intelligent. This isn't to say that more basic forms can't be enjoyable, but I really like it when I an author goes out of his or her way to craft something with a powerful message that also flows in an appreciatable fashion.

    Oddly, the only part of your poem that I wasn't really a fan of, in the ideological sense, is also part of what makes it so great. I have never been a fan of subversion of one individual to another. I simply don't like the idea of holding someone in such high esteem as to have their existance completely eclipse your own. With this piece, however, I am going to set those feelings aside because you clearly felt it was necessary to describe the awesomeness of your admiration. At the same time, however, I wonder why I don't ever read any works that describe the creation of a higher form of conciousness that is obtainable by the author as well as the object. Funny that we should see the death of egotism in this particular genre.

    Thank you for this worthwhile entry.

    ~Das


  • Tali28
    June 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like the imagery and the flow to your poem. very discriptive. Keep them coming. Good luck to you in the contest. Take care.
    Tali

  • MadeleineElysse
    June 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i love this
    for the first 'real' thing written since 3rd grade,
    wow
    youre a natural, keep it up

    unfortunately im going to have to disqualify you for failing to follow rule #9 in my contest
    you should have 'muffins rule' in your author box to signify that you read the rules

    im sorry, but good luck in the other contests!

    <33
    Muffin Girl


    • truelover
      June 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i saw the 'prewrites allowed' bit and just submitted
      way to be a ...


  • Tali28
    June 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Thanks

    Thanks for your entry. I will be back after the contest ends to leave further comments.
    Tali

1 - 10 of 10