Don’t offer words to warm my hardened soul.
No soft caress can bring me back to life.
I’ve stayed too long, with thoughts of death my goal.
And felt too long the cold and twisting knife.
It matters not, don’t ask for reasons why.
Too late to try to heal my septic scars.
Among the mouldering bones I now shall lie,
and leave forever, earthly chains and bars.
Don’t visit me to place upon my grave
the flowers of yesterday, already dust.
Nor whisper words meant merely to deprave.
An acid rain which turns my flesh to rust.
Let me forget the colour of your eyes.
For death is black and white, when passion dies.
Author notes
I think he's just feeling sorry for himself LoL.
p a s s i m
In a list
- m) Dark • next in list
- c) My Bronze Awards • next in list
- j) Sonnets • next in list
- k) My Personal Favourites • next in list
- a) My Gold Awards • next in list
- AP Fav Poems • next in list
- MY FAVORITE POETS and their work • next in list
A contest entry
- Picture Inspired by pen-inhand.
600 points, ended June 20, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you know the muffin man??? by Dreams27.
450 points, ended July 1, 2007, 32 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ Blackend Love ♥ by stop a bullet.
385 points, ended August 5, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Love You [show me your best] by thelovesongwriter.
800 points, ended July 29, 2007, 73 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Release Inner Anguish (Dark poetry from Dark poets) by Girl With Guitar.
1300 points, ended August 9, 2007, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best by broken-colours.
500 points, ended August 6, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotional Poems Wanted by DeadlyTurnip.
440 points, ended August 22, 2007, 43 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me your pain, make me feel it! by Jeb.
525 points, ended January 7, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhymed prewrites only ... by ecrivain01.
800 points, ended July 31, 2008, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Beautiful Word[s] by owlish.
900 points, ended August 27, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DEEP MEANING CLICHE by dabpunx.
300 points, ended September 3, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - All-time Best Rhyming Prewrites by TabbyCat.
600 points, ended September 23, 2008, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shakespearean Sonnet Competition: "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY. by Vera Rich.
490 points, ended June 15, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkwrite by darkyinsoul.
550 points, ended July 16, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - must rhyme by babyseal.
400 points, ends December 6, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 51 of 51
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Inspirational at the least!
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tis amazing
wow
well done
a great poem with
great flow n rhyme
good luck in contest -
Excellent sonnet
well done poet
welcome to the finalists
Good luck to you
Darky
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An interesting piece... But a Shakespearean sonnet really requires a much stronger volta (twist/change of meeting, between lines 8 and 9), And CAN scars realy go septic? - I think not. Do remember that imagery to be acceptable to the imagination must in some way be congruent with the literal meaning of the words, if one uses words too outre a manner, one may end up with something ludicrous. I recall hearing a quite well-known poet giving a reading - and in one of the poems read, the expression "chap-fallen eyes". But "chap-fallen" means with the jaw dropped or, one might say unhinged (like Yorick's skull, since the sinews holding the jaw in place had now decayed). So for how eyes could be chapfallen I could not envisage... In comparison with that, your "septic scars" are only a minor blemish!
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"Don’t visit me to place upon my grave
the flowers of yesterday, already dust."
Perhaps my favorite line. A very powerful piece and I see it has won quite a few trophy's well deserved. A good classic form and the picture fits nicely with it. Thank you so much for your entry and good luck! -
The last line did it for me..."For death is black and white, when passion dies."
quite original and powerful. -
Never mind about the name in the author notes! I thought you spelled passion twice and one had a typo or something.. heheh. Sorry!
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WOW! I can see how you got all those trophies! Sad and dark, great rhythm and rhyme. Cool picture, altohugh for some reason I thought it was a little scary... Please put your name in the author's notes though! Thanks for your entry, and best wishes in my contest!
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Wow, what an intensely beautiful, sad piece. The rhythm and rhyming were absolutely fabulous and the served as the perfect conduit for the words tale you wrote. Great take on the picture, and the imagery was really great. I definitely can see why it has netted so many trophies, and will likely snag more in the future. It's a great piece from any angle. Best of luck in the contest it is now in.
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This is an excellent poem ...
and very well executed.
Thanks for entering.
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I love the take on this picture, very well written poem, thank you for entering it and congrats on all your shinny toys
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five star quality
this is top quality writing.the form and use of rhyme are brilliant .i always admire writers who can master these techniques and still sound natural.as for the content and ideas expressed you are so eloquent loved the couplet; nor whisper words....superb use of language.
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Painfully Brilliant
I was sitting here tonight thinking of this very topic and no words come to how I feel. Funny I fell upon this sonnet. How well you put immense pain and yet numb into words. Thank you for this write, I have much to learn from you and maybe some day I will have a fan too
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What mushroom was I under when this was penned?
I have just waded through the comments and admired your trophies for this one...well deserved my sweet Cuz
I love this and as you know I zoom in on the closing stanza...what can I say??? Absobleepinlutely marvelous final touch to a gem of a write!
[what was that dude on about???]
You let me know when you publish and I promise to buy!
Cuz
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indeed it is.
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wow, lots of gold trophies it earned them no doubt.
great emotion, i love your poetry!!!
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bravo
this is a superb sonnet! Excellent!(although I don't agree with sentiment, that's beside the point..) I loved the sonnet!! bravo... bravo...
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Very well done. Not that you need me to tell you that, the poem already has four trophies. I enjoyed this immensely, thank you for entering!
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A very well written poem with great imagery to manifest the feeling. Good job
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Holy ....
You are awesome! I can't believe how well you write.
I will take a bow and retire my pen for a day and reflect on what I've just read.
I'd love to put this to music for you unless you're already doing that sort of thing.
BB
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An excellent write, a very well written sonnet! Good luck in the contest! sj
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Brilliant
Your rhyme scheme is very good, not only that but your imagry is very intriguing and the picture adds flare on top of an already great peice. -Damien
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This is so amazing to me. The picture really added to the poem as well. The two last verses were my favorites. I love how it maintained a rhythm and flow and yet these limitations didn't seem to hinder the spectrum of content at all. It has such intense emotion and seems to me to be incredibly sad, almost resigned to the cruelty of reality. Thank you very much for entering, and best of talent to you in the contest!
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wow this is great!!! i loved the picture & the poem that went along with it..i'm speechless. great job.
thanks for entering& best of luck
-lovesong -
This poem was so captivating.. it just pulled me in and kept me there to the end.. breathtaking. It was really great. And FINALLY!! someone who actaully follows my rules... 4 people have been removed in 10 minutes.. Thank you for entering and truly best of luck!
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good write
I am slowly and painfully dying from kidney disease. I will fight for every day I can have. This person of whom the poem is written ,sounds like he is already dead inside. I am more alive than he. -
oh wow... the sorrow and meaning of this piece.
"Don’t offer words to warm my hardened soul.
No soft caress can bring me back to life.
I’ve stayed too long, with thoughts of death my goal."...
i think that this best describes those whom i have known that will take this into a lot in their lives. for when death is the goal at hand, nothing will stop them. Thanks for sharing. this is a golden piece in my opinion.
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beautifully written! i loved this piece!
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I like it, it flowed well (yay) and had lots of good imagery. I loved the last 2 lines, they were brilliant, but these 2 lines are definitely my favourite: 'Nor whisper words meant merely to deprave.
An acid rain which turns my flesh to rust.'
Brilliant imagery.
Very well done and best of luck.
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WOW!!!! what more can I say...Welcome to the finals!
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oh wow. this is quite amazing and thrilling in devastation. congrats on the gold. much deserved.
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dancing on the marble of our souls. Pretty impressive lines. WIth the picture it forms a strong whole that stirs and scratches and gnaws and just overall demands introspection.
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Dang it, you guys are gonna get me to writing all these form rhyming poems now, this was a magnificent piece, i enjoyed it thoroughly...Scott
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great sonnet filled with imagry and i can feel the words.. i kind of am in that dark place myself.
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ah creepy image!! though is very effective with the poem! liked this write! thanks for entering it! xxx
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I Agree
That picture really is captivating. I'm guessing that the poem appeared in your head practically whole cloth, and you had to write quickly before you lost it. Because you have captured the essence of the artwork (the artist might be surprised at first, then have to agree). The only thing I'd want to tweak in this case is the line "and fall like acid rain, my flesh to rust." Perhaps:
Nor whisper words meant merely to deprave
=as acid rain would turn my flesh to rust.
=like acid rain that turns my flesh to rust.
=an acid rain that turns my flesh to rust.
Something like that. A very minor nit, obviously. I know that many very famous poets twisted around sentences like that, particularly the Romantics, but they didn't do it as frequently as their admirers and aspirers would have us believe. ;-)
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You're 3rd line suggestion is just perfect and I have taken your kind advice. Many thanks.
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Absolutely amazing. A brilliant pen. You've done a fine job capturing the spirit of the picture. Thank
you for entering my contest and the best of luck to you. Kelly
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Thank you. I actually really enjoyed writing this one. Even though it's very depressing. Great picture for inspiration. He does look down in the dumps.
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WOW !
What a truly great interpretation of this picture. Excellent write, and I wish you the very best of luck in this contest
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Superb
You deserve the acclaim you are getting for this poem that is so appealing in its choice of diction and matching imagery. I know you are not the true narrator as you claim not to be depressed but your poem certainly conveys the negative thoughts that beset a person who feels unloved and unvalued. Passion is a terrible aspect of life to lose - as your final two lines of the sonnet imply. camus
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Your comments are really kind and also very much appreciated. Sonnets are quite new to me, so I never know what response to expect. Morbid isn't my usual thing either.
I guess this poor chap here was having a bad day, and like I said, just feeling sorry for himself. Thanks for passing by.
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This is very well done. best part, I think is this;
Let me forget the colour of your eyes.
For death is black and white, when passion dies.My favorite kind of poem is a sonnet. What kind is this???
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Beautiful sonnet and great rhyme. The picture is awsome too, as if to say just leave me alone and let me die. Don't visit me to place upon my grave, the flowers of yesterday, already dust. Nor whisper words meant merely to deprave, and fall like acid rain, my flesh to rust...my favorite stanza, for it speaks volumes. Thanks for sharing and good luck in your contests.
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Thank you. You have chosen my favorite stanza too. Your comments are much appreciated.
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Impressive
Well rhymed, great flow. Demonstrates an strong knack for constructing narrative visuals. Don't get me wrong--it's depressing as all Hell though. :-P Still, great read. -
A marvelous sonnet that was extremely well-crafted, and although depressing to a great extent, suited the contest photo very well indeed. A treat to read. Best of luck in the contest!
David Michaels
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damn this is good
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remarkable
great
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Thank you. I have no idea where this came from. Took 5 mins and I'm not even depressed .LoL
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wow
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