Myriad of dragonflies
Fluttering like butterflies
Underneath a harmless guise
Back and forth behind my eyes
Little child there I stand
One is captured in my hand
Let it go, but then remand
Others vanish on command
But now, there it lies, it's dead
Twitching slightly, wings are spread
Others as well, now have bled
Floor of funhouse now stained red
Author notes
-KonoichiOkami
Monorhyme, all lines 7 syllables, (makes it flow better).
I think it pretty much speaks for itself, I had the dream a few nights ago, so some stuff might be a little off the dream, but i like it.
I might end up adding more to it later, maybe in the middle, but this is the gist of the dream.
A contest entry
- Mirror Mirror by Ignis Corpus.
500 points, ended August 1, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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uhh this has nothing to do with mirrors i will give you one day to fix this to where i can see something about mirrors in it. or i will DQ you. sorry,
beautifuldisasterxx -
Since you're so young, I'll take it easy on you. I normally don't bother checking author pages, but I remembered you being young and wanted to make sure, so I checked.
Anyway, I'll just say I appreciate the hard work you undoubtedly put into this, though I do think the rhymes could be improved and the metering could use a bit of fine-tuning. I don't have time to make any suggestions now, I'm afraid, but I'll see if I can get back to you on that. If you're interested and it seems like I forgot, message me or something.
Rhymes are a double-edged sword, really. If used correctly, they make a poem an incredibly powerful piece of writing, a real joy to read. I think you had the right idea here and weren't quite able to execute it to its fullest potential. It happens quite often with young writers, but don't sweat it too much; you certainly write better than I when I was your age! -
WOW!!
Very nice flow to this great write, with best imagery
Thanks for entering my contest & best of Luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
Bursting with imagery. I like how you took a simple moment and gave it so much colour. Also, the flow and rhyme of the poem is great! Not forced and very well metered. Great write!
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Love dragonflys, had lots of fun with them as young boy in missouri. seemed impossible for them to fly and get around, but they did.
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This is amazing. It makes you feel sad and so many other emotions at the same time. It's very deep and meaningful. I wish I could write like that. I've noticed I write alot of small stories and out them in poetry form...I just wish I could go out of that area and write things like this.
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"Back and forth behind my eyes." Perfect explanation
of a dream. The rhyme was well done giving credence to the poem. A very enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing.
Return The Favor?
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Wow
that was deep...extremely deep....I could feel sadness and dispare at the end and it seemed like the good memories of the past that we all have and just like the dragon flies those memories died...and if I'm wrong in guessing that then please tell me...wonderfully written piece...keep it up and don't quit it...it's a wonderful talent that few poses...give it up and you give up a part of you...
your friend,
ace ♠
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extremely well written piece
nicely illustrated
really draws me in
and I grasp the entity of it
you had a great sense of imagery
and language in here
beautiful poem
I really like it
keep writing -
I really like your use of mono-rhymes in this poem, which I found to be very dream-like, though others might disagree. This reminds me a bit of the poem about the man who isn't sure whether he is dreaming he is a butterfly, or the butterfly is dreaming him.
A treat to read, and best of luck in your contest.
David Michaels
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It got removed from the contest,
because it was about a dream I had, not about dreams in general.
I personally think it shouldn't have been booted, but it's that persons points to give out, so if he thinks it doesn't fit then that's his decision. But I'm just glad that I was able to write a poem that most everybody likes.
Thank you for your comment. ^_^
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Personally, I think this poem is beautiful, without any tweaking. But if you want, you could add a bit more detail, or just extend it. Just to explain the dream a little more and help us 'paint the picture'. But be careful, adding to much might ruin the dream like quality. Argh, dream poems are always so confusing to write! All I can say, is do what feels right to you, no one knows a poem better than the author.
Sorry I couldn't help more. 
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That's okay, I really just wanted your opinion on the poem.
I'm happy that you like it. ^_^
I just felt as though it was missing something, but I know that it's probably just because I can't ever think that my poems are perfect. It's just the way I am.
Thank you for your comment, Seer.
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I dig, definitely has that dream-like surreality about it.... Love the analogy, too. Thanks.
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i dont think this really goes along with the contest...sorry
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