dark
why so dark?
i rise from my bed
as i see her faintest glow light the hall
i follow
but where does she lead?
she takes me far from my room
to the streets
dark
so dark
with just the faintist glow
where does she take me?
down a dirt road
so dark
so lonely
so cold
stopped
why have you stoped?
turn, face me, your name i must know
slow
she turns so slowly
turns to reveal a sad face i do know
mother?
but she vanished so quickly
i awake standing out in the cold
Author notes
DeIndian4444
A contest entry
- A Dream Poetry Contest by -BlackKnight-.
875 points, ended July 2, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
This is awful. The repetition present does nothing to aid the write as it stumbles its way to the end; rather, it holds it back.
Words you used more than once:
dark = 5
cold = 2
slow = 2
stopped = 2
There are more, but I think you get the point. Thing is, what really made using these words so often is that they were used in very close proximity to each other. Repetition is what really killed this because it didn't allow the poem to develop any sort of rhythm or movement. It just kinda lagged and eventually collapsed at the finish line.
Why was this person sad? Why was her glow so faint? Why'd she lead you out into the streets? These are questions you need to be able to answer, or at least explore further, when you bring them up in your writing. -
-
hey, im just starten to get back on this site, i was really buisy for awhile, but i just got your comment. thank you for the critisims, they do help. i was actually trying to be kind of repetitive so it would represent more of what its like at that moment, when things are running through your mind, all your get is repeating words. and its suppose to make your wonder, its not a story, its a thought, if i would have explained why the person is sad, why her glow has gone faint, then it would ruin the point im trying to get across. but if you do know of a way i can try and emphsize the confused thoughts, with out repeating the same words please letme know, because i am far from good at this, i basically dont know anything about it, i just do it because i like to and it helps get things off my mind. thanks again tho
-
-
Strangely moving
This is a very sad poem. I read it as being about loss and greif. It was a very interesting poem to read with beautiful imagery and an inspired choice of words. Simply beautiful -
-
thank you for your read. im glad you understood it nicly : )
-
Adding your comment:
