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Show Me The Way

Show me the way,
from which my love sun can send its ray.
You have sealed the doors of your heart,
I can’t enter and by this I get hurt.
Open the windows of your mind,
So that I can sneak in if you are little bit kind.
If you do not want to give me a place,
in your heart's majestic palace.
Please give me a space in your servant’s quarters,
from  there I can love you for the remaining years.

Author notes

Option 1 (New Contest)
Option 2: Show Me the Way

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Euphy
    February 7

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    Beautiful! My favorite of yours so far. It speaks layers of dedication and love, and ah! I love the image.

    "You have sealed the doors of your heart,
    I can’t enter and by this I get hurt.
    Open the windows of your mind,
    So that I can sneak in if you are little bit kind."

    And then continuing with the metaphor

    "If you do not want to give me a place
    in your heart's majestic palace,
    please give me a space in your servant’s quarters,
    from there I can love you for the remaining years."

    Lovely. Good work!


  • rhondasail
    August 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is really a good solid write, but the rhyming needs work and the images can be expanded, I think, giving us a fuller piece. The emotive qualities are passionate and the sincerity is perfect. I like this one very much...just a bit of tweaking and it's a real gem of a poem. Peace, Rhonda


  • Northern Raven
    July 10, 2007

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    I think this is a very personal and heartfelt write from this author as this poem simply exudes emotion through its words. They are colloquial yet so passionate in a way that demands attention. I think many readers will relate to the emotion in them.
    I think the author’s choice of rhyming words is a little forced and this could be improved with the use of a thesaurus to aid not only the rhyme but also the flow of this poem. Rhyme is not always an easy from to get right and still retain the author’s intended meaning and it can take a lot of practice and patience to get it right. I feel this author has tried had but has some way to go, though the emotions are strong.
    I like the line “in your heart's majestic palace” for the image it creates and think the author could possibly expand on this and other images within the piece of work.
    Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.

    Northern Raven


  • DenyMyLove
    June 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks fo entering and good luck!!!!
    ~DAWN~


  • Restless and True
    June 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "If you do not want to give me a place
    in your heart's majestic palace.
    Please give me a space in your servant’s quarters,
    from there I can love you for the remaining years."

    That was awesome imagery.

    It was kinda bittersweet.

    ~SweetAmber~

  • Leaving Today
    June 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You nicely moved that title towards a love poem. I think if I were given this title I would have written something cliche since "show me the way" most of times reminds me of getting the right way (an idea that many people have). I liked your poem. I think in the 8th line there should be a 'comma', it is linked with the following lines. But maybe I am wrong.


  • Shapla
    June 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "Show me the way,
    from which my love sun can send its ray.
    You have sealed the doors of your heart,
    I can’t enter and by this I get hurt."

    Excellent write. These are the most passionate lines that touch me.


  • silent bee
    June 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i love this..."You have sealed the doors of your heart, / I can’t enter and by this I get hurt. " those two lines really speak out. very well written! thank you for sharing with me.

    ~bee

1 - 17 of 17