Tread softly...
for I being poor have only my dreams
and I have spread my dreams under your feet
now listen
do you hear it
drums beating
the clapping of shields
for I being a scarred warrior
can hear it all too well
as if mixing fiction and tonic
I see the stone solid hearts
of a five thousand soldiers
fighting to live
and living to die
its insane
fear amplified by doubt
creates a longing
a desire to live in the village of mannequins
with their snow white complexion
and solemn grins
yet then, what is this burning
on my slumbering soul
is it evolution that beats in us
science that paves highways
or is it God that intervenes
giving destiny
we imagine ourselves creators
forgers of our own fate
but do we really have a choice
or are we stumbling in the dark
of a larger design
for here I hide
listening to the echoes
of warrior's feet marching
resonating off the cave’s walls
five thousand reminders
of a cowards fame
yet if this is the end
then perhaps I haven’t dreamt
of all that could’ve been
and when I look into a mannequins' reflection
I start to see my image
fading away
like useless goals, dissipating
as I now clutch my sword
and bind my armor
so I may step into the sun
now listen
for I being poor have only my dreams
and I have spread them under your feet
so I say again, tread softly…
for you tread upon my dreams.
Author notes
slight modified quote by William Butler Yeats.
Sorry, 52 lines minus the spaces.
merged three poems into one to get rid of extra words, since they all had similar meanings.
In a list
A contest entry
- Celebrating 5000 Comments! by intanglio2ring.
525 points, ended June 17, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please applaud if you think it worthy, thanks.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Very great.
I love the meaning and it flows very well.
Great job! -
Thanks for posting this!
Should have ended with "a cowards fame". Got me right in the gut!!
Monique
-
Very cool, I especially liked this part: "for I being poor have only my dreams
and I have spread them under your feet
so I say again, tread softly…
for you tread upon my dreams." It spokle to me in that the image of someone treading on your dreams.
-
congratulations, a gold trophy well deserved.
i really couldnt tell that this was originally three poems, they were intermingled so seamlessly. i also like how you repeated the beginning in the end, it really put the poem as a whole together and gave it a sense of completion.
my favorite poems are the ones that make you feel. but what i like more are poems that make you feel and think. and thats what this poem was to me, highly emotional and thought provoking at the same time. it's quite hard to find, that combination, and i'm glad i found this. -
wonderful poetry here from the Yeats throughout, done with care and thought; abstract in parts, metaphoric in parts, overall excellent...PK
. Rewarded 4
-
your piece gives a lot of aspiration and inspiration to writters and congrat for winning. Yeats is this a God given talent or what. keep inspiring man.
-
I have often enjoyed Yeats' poem http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/2676-William-Butler-Yeats-Aedh-Wishes-For-The-Cloths-Of-Heaven and thought of ways of developing it in my own work. (Unsuccsefully so far Alas).
You have taken the thought and dared to flesh it out in line with your own visions and in doing so produced a very readable piece.
The opening hints at a strength that the quote negates with its warrior theme of strength (scarred warrior, solid heart, five thousand soldiers) but there is in my mind a doubt. Did you perhaps intend to soften that with a hint of fear by using scared warrior?
The second section with its emphasis on fear and doubt tend to confirm my suspicions though I am unsure of the village of mannequins (I see visions of terracotta warriors here).
Moving into the third section again gives the mixture of strength and weakness warriors, 5,000, forgers contrasting with stumbling and hide).
The final section still has the doubts but the emphasis is shifying to strength and certainty. The final repetition which could have been a weak poetic device in fact is a well chosen strengthening and reinforcing of the overall uncertainty. An image of someone wanting to be strong, putting on a brave face but still harbouring profound doubts.
I may of course have completely missed the mark but I enjoyed the journey through this piece.
Thanks.
Jim -
Holy Smokes! This is quite good! No wonder you won. Congrats on the trophy and I will bookmark this for my faves.
. Rewarded 4
-
WOW, I really love this piece that you have written. It flows very nice and you did a very good job of expressing you emotions.
. Rewarded 4
-
A Captivating Warrior!
Mesmerizing in rhythm, A work of art here!
Feelings and emotions are dark yet open the scene for us to look into!
Thanks for this excellent work!
Tang
. Rewarded 4
-
Quite good.
-
Wow Jacen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is such a thought provoking piece here!!! You have given me alot to think upon!!! You ask so many of life's questions that remain unanswered yet somehow giving us the way to the answer. Because we alone have to find that answer. Does that make any sense. I also love how you start out and end with: tread softly, for I being poor have only my dreams and have spread them under your feet. I hope we can all look at our reflection and renew our spirit to find what we were meant to be!!! Thanks for sharing this and I hope I got the right meaning behind it!!!~~Toni~~
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
