In the dark, I am alone
As I fall upon my knees
Calling upon the angels
And praying for release.
These diamond raindrops falling
Like steel bullets on my heart
I wish that you could be here, love
As I fall apart.
For as my tears rain down my face
I long to hold you tight
And kiss your lips, as red as blood
All through my darkest night
I wanted to keep you safe this time
Protect you from all harm
But Time thrust her weight upon me
And tore you from my arms
The winter rain is falling again
Tears from my nightmare sky
Corroding every inch of flesh
As I simply wish to die
But all the wishes in Heaven have gone
To a hole in the happy place
And the only testament to you, I have
These scars upon my face
Slowly, the silence rapes my heart
As the blackness eats at my core.
My soul catches fire, like a chemical burn
And I am left alone once more
These diamond raindrops pierce my skin
They burn like acid rain.
It hurts so much to love you, dear one
Though you are worth the pain.
So catch these diamond raindrops, love
For they are my sweet release
For so long as you catch my tears
Then I shall be at peace.
Frozen in time on a bed of diamonds
As my warm blood turns to gold
And I die tonight in peace, my love
As my love for you runs cold.
Author notes
Immortal Obscurity
Challenge: Use the assigned title, rhyme ABCB, minimum 4 stanzas.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I really think you did a fantastic job ~ Grabbing me right from the start ~ & Perfectly said ~
"In the dark, I am alone
As I fall upon my knees
Calling upon the angels
And praying for release.
These diamond raindrops falling
Like steel bullets on my heart
I wish that you could be here, love
As I fall apart."
The one thing that gets me when folks add a picture ~ is they let the picture do the work of the imagery.... You ~ take it to a higher level ~ by letting your word enhance the image the reader sees first.
I also think you did a great job using the diamonds as a metaphor ~
Excellent job! Good luck to you in the contest!
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Thank you for your entry in our contest, it was a pleasure to read.
Please join us in future contests, we look forward to reading more of your work.
Sue and Jeff
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Wow. This flowed really well. I love the 'diamond raindrops'. That's beautiful. Thank you.
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Nice work, I really like where you went with the title.
The rhyme is great apart from the first stanza, the softness of the "s" in "release" and "knees" is different. I also don't really like anything involving "through the night" and "hold you tight" just because it's so overused, but you did something a bit different with it, so I quite liked it here.
The rhythm and flow was also really good, my only suggestion for improvement would be changing "The winter rain is falling again" to "the winter rain falls again" because the line felt a little long.
The last stanza was great, I superb conclusion to the poem. Other lines I particularly liked were "But Time thrust her weight upon me", "Tears from my nightmare sky/ Corroding every inch of flesh", and "And the only testament to you, I have/ These scars upon my face". Keep up the good work!
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amazing.... i think im going to have to read some more of your poems.... the line 'I wanted to keep you samf this time' seemed a tad bit akward to me though.... id say trying to cut one syllable out of it..... ex. I wished to keep you safe this time.... the way i read it may be the problem.... thats just what i caught..... its really a wonderful piece... keep it up
~Nick -
Wow
This poem was amazing I am so glad I decided to check out your work. I totally feel in love with this line "Corroding every inch of flesh" it was so creative.
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Dark and Enchanting
I love this poem and I really felt the emotion when reading it. The last stanza is the best because it totally brings the promise of the words home to the reader. The line "And I die tonight in peace, my love
As my love for you runs cold." Bringing together the elements of freezing and burning and love and death of love... Hmmmm... just beautifully done. Congrats on the silver, I see why you are a Favorite....
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I had a feeling I wouldn't be disappointed by reading another of yours.
Bleak and quiet, and perfect. -
You used this title to its full potential!! I simply love this piece!! I read it out loud to my friend and neighbour and she enjoyed it too. This gave me goose-bumps as I read it. The rhyme is subtle and allows the poem to flow like water, the rhythm is solid throughout. The content is simply amazing. Thank you very much for following your instructions to produce a piece that has been written from inside your heart - it really shows 
Thank you for entering and good luck! Mum 
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