Telling My Forune

Sitting in an empty house full of blood
Feeling broken hearts and broken veins
Surrounded by the broken pottery of promises not kept
Wondering where it all went wrong
Closest friends 10 minutes and a million miles away
The greatest fortune telling ever told is in the play of light coming off of the puddle of your last blood
I see my reflection, asshole in crimson
Swirling good intentions
Relief in slowed breathing
Cool tile and cold skin
Singing a quiet, tuneless little song about nothing
Hand full of meaningless rings and shining things
Buoys in a crimson sea that led me down paths not meant for my feet
Lost friends and lost souls
Living life in a fish bowl
Everything that I fix is lost in the mix
The shoulders I pride myself in being there for them to lean on have gone limp
No room on my plate
No fuel for my fire
Not brother, not lover, just douche, fag, and liar
No thanks, just more tests, but I finally found my rest
With a a slowing and creeping drowsiness I can tell that these are my last breaths
I think of those few walking in on what’s left
Blood crusted and pasted to dirty tiles around gray flesh
Wept tears by my mother
I hear whys and please god no
I hear people say “if I just…”
I hear “dear god why’s he smiling?”
It’s because I finally figured out how to solve my own problems
It wasn’t within me or the ear of a friend
It was in the knife drawer, next to the silver that remembers a family not broken
As my vision fades I think one hour before:
I look at my blade and wonder how many meals it has helped serve to my family and friends
Now it will help me serve my just desserts
I lock the front door and tell whoever is left that I’m staying in tonight
I finally give them lies they think I’ve always told
I feel excitement
The yang to the yin I get when I’m the reason she smiles
I walk through my clean dead house
Sterile and lonely
I see the ghosts of nights spent in drunken camaraderie
I walk through to my room letting the light play off my answer
It’s hard in here, there’s marbles and pots and leaves and my first two and only roses and a picture not intended, but capturing her perfectly.  Not the hard front but the sweet center, the one she’s afraid to show me now that she’s at his beck and call.  He deserves rabies for taking her strength
I see an angel and a demon.  One is me and one I thought I’d found
I fucked us all up by getting in it. it was perfect before we named it
She walked across the room just to be in my arms, now I have to chase her unless noone is present
I see a book on how to get along with girls and feel shame stab deep almost as fresh as when it was given to me.
I look down at the best bruise I’ve ever had and smile
In to the bathroom I go and see a shower and smell my smells and think of fond memories that will never be repeated
Of kisses in the rain. not with the toad, but with the princess
Of 4 so close crammed in the tub
Of electrocution and white lady elocution
I look in the mirror at a man made hollow and see a bleacher of medication, the ones that are supposed to make my head work right. I think of eating them
I squeeze the handle of my friend like the hand of my lover
I feel safe and slightly giddy, knowing that it will finally be over
I float to the kitchen and sit down on the floor
I filet myself and watch the veinous pumping and catch some in my mouth
It’s salty and sweet
Frowning, I remember shared blood much regretted, not by me or by him but by her
I look at my arm at scars with no home, the good memory of 3 little lines ruined by less than 10 words “I regret having ever done it with him” why would you tell me that?
I get kind of woozy and lay down next to ruby lake
So im back on the floor and wonder what happened to “my life flashing before my eyes” and I realize it did.  I slide my cheek across the floor leaving a bloody little rainbow and look up at the phone
And I remember

I remember other languages spoken in plain English
I remember platonic tears wept for lost androgyny
I remember Kats and spats and massages and pool
I remember the best meal I never ate and lost jobs
I remember the best month two thousand dollars could buy
I remember a stay in the hospital where I saw my friends more than the doctors
I remember a night crammed into a hospital bed with a rude awakening
I remember stolen kisses and the real thing
I remember black arm bands and rainbows and us against the world
I remember riddles and giggles
I remember the two types of chocolate and our secret handshake
I remember adderart on skin, all we could take
I remember innuendo all night, you were half baked and so sharp, we laughed till we fell apart
I remember not staring, just waiting for you to awake
But the money ran out and so did you, both probably unrelated
I am as empty as my wallet
Staring in the puddle of every red cent
I still don’t understand where my friend went
She lies of past intimacy as if ashamed
It was no tease
It was no hustle
You ask for help one minute and condemn it the next
When your crises rise like the tsunami in the wake of your whims
I just see how to fix it, if you want it broken just break it
She’s a big girl, she can take it
I talked you from Hollywood because I saw a better chance for you to make it
Once again I’m wrong and I pay for it.
I helped you bake it and now I’m watching it crumble
And I remember
I remember curly hair and a night talking and writing poems
I remember stolen golf carts
I remember nights spent in each others arms
I remember walking in and seeing pots taking a nap on my bed and a rose colored ecstasy running from my head to my feet
I remember her head on my chest as I listened to her breathing
I remember a night at the beach kicking back and opening up
I remember the best massage I’ve ever received delivered by small gentle hands
I remember a thousand parties and laughs so hard and loud that they are as much a part of the house I used to call home as the wood and the bricks
I remember a early morning on the couch with one arm free typing down the moment so as to never lose it.
I remember kisses so deep and noises I can’t stop
I remember midnight movies and cookie dough
I remember a gift of a night wrapped up tight
I remember natural sleep in unnatural positions
I remember the words “I C A N T S L E E P W I T H O U T Y O U” “C O M E H E R E”
I remember the moments so naked and real
I remember that they don’t have to be over
I remember a lightning storm and a song and a girl and an old old town
And I reach out, dripping and with my last strength grab the phone and dial 3 numbers