Her tired eyes gazed out over the scene,
A twisted visage of things once-known.
She lost herself in a soda-pop glass,
For she never knew one could feel so alone.
-Fairy-tales are naught but lies
To one who has had one night with a king.
For frivolity is naught but fun-and-games,
Love a non-existent thing.-
She gazed, unknowing, on the throng
Of people who hid their one true face,
And putting on a mask as well,
She finally realized her place.
-Truths will always be revealed
If one will give all of their time.
But when one loses all their soul,
Is waiting not a similar crime?-
Jewels and laces, ruffles and string,
The dancers moved like clockwork-toys.
She moved among them, one-two-three,
But never learned about big-boys.
-Place this broken heart of mine
Into a jar, high on a shelf,
And let it gather the dust it needs
So that I may collect myself.-
Behind this mask shall fall her tears,
And none will see this broken doll,
For lies and shame shall run their course
And it's never the king that takes the fall.
-Dance, dance, little toy,
See the world for who it shall be.
Find the back of the looking-glass,
And tell you that isn't me.-
In every language, there is a phrase,
To describe the sound of a breaking heart.
A contest entry
- round contest number one (prewrite) by serenity silvermoon.
510 points, ended September 25, 111 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Everything and All Things! by Darkmoon.
650 points, ended May 17, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wanna Kill Some Time ? by Deceits Tears.
1200 points, ended April 24, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You never know.... by Cyanide Dreams.
1640 points, ended May 12, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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91
Title: 9/10
Originality: 9/10
Emotion: 9/10
Grammar/Spelling: 8/10
Flow/Structure: 9/10
Imagery: 10/10
Overall Use of Poetic Devices: 9/10
Reaction: 9/10
Rules: 10/10
Overall: 9/10
Totaling: 91/100
This was really good. The title really drew me in and I liked where this went. Your imagery was superb and I can still see the images flash through my mind. Great job on this and good luck in the contest.
Josh -
I liked the imagery In this piece
Thankyou for your entry
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I like this poem. Alot. Thank you for your entry and best of luck...
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Lyrical indeed, as in the beautiful flow of your words. My one concern is the 5th stanza, last line. The king is the only "big boy" and this dancing is before her one night? Or is it after and the tense needs to change? Take a close look at what is present and what is past in the entire poem.
In any language, this is a wonderful poem. Buff
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Im wishing you the best of luck in the contest you have entered.
There were some nice childlike phrases and words in this, enchanting. Nice use of imagery.
Thank you for sharing.
Kind regards
Sophie
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I liked this one very much. Amazing imagery and emotion. You've shown real talent with this piece.
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good luck
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Though lyrical, this piece retains its poetic quality, which I've noticed is a really challenge for most people. Usually, when a poem is meant as lyrics, the poetic flow suffers. That is certainly not the case here.
Your imagery is excellent, describing a common theme with different pictures. Thanks so much for entering my contest!
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'let it gather the dust it needs/so that I may collect myself.' i love that bit. it just sounds so beautiful and true.
'fairytales are not but lies' ...so true, and so simplicitly and beautifully put.
"And it's never the king that takes the fall." <- reminds me of the book i just finished reading (Pocket Full of Pearls)
...i quite enjoyed this. i quite like how you added the last two lines. ('And it's never the king that takes the fall.') ...keep on writing! Candace -
fluid
First off, I must say what a great title!! It caught my eye instantly and I found my hand moving inexorably to click such a delectable title. Not too much to correct here I think. In stanza 2, you say “not but ___” a few times, and the word is actually naught, i.e. naught but lies. In lines 1 and 3 of stanza 2 (which create a nice echo effect, by the way) you'll want to change that to 'naught but'. Also, I think that lines 14 and 15 “If one will give all of their time/But when one loses all their soul, ” need to be changed. Grammatically speaking, you can't say 'their time' because your subject, 'one', is singular and 'their' is plural, so they don't agree. However, hers/his time sounds dreadfully awkward. My suggestion would be to change it to “If someone will give all of time./But when you lose all of your soul”. That's something you'll have to play around with a little, but it's a small thing. On to the good stuff! I think your imagery is brilliant, images like a broken doll and masked dancers really shine through in my mind. Also, I thought the last 3 paragraphs were absolutely gorgeous, I felt like all your rhythm and rhyme fell into place and those paragraphs seemed perfect to me. Overall I think you communicated a powerful idea and you created a strong image of what that idea looks like. Again, just can't get over those last three paragraphs! Great writing, hope my meandering comments help!
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Such literary intensity leaves my senses heightened and wanting so much more. It's so rare to stumble upon poetry that is as strong and rivoting as this piece is. Thanks for the journey into your mind poet. ~Midnight Lace
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You seemed to take a common theme and rework it in an original way. I like the imagery- the toy doll, the ruffles and lace, the dance. It all worked beautifully.
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You have constructed this in a fantastic way. The imagery is very well done, and so evisioned easily. A uniquely creative write on the common theme
of 'heartbreak', making this a wonderful, enjoyable piece to read. -
Romantic piece of broken hearted literature
"She lost herself in a soda-pop glass,
For she never knew one could feel so alone."
I would like to say that the first line is beautiful and nostaligic. The language is beautifully done and accompanied by a great second line. And
"Jewels and laces, ruffles and string,
The dancers moved like clockwork-toys.
She moved amoung them, one-two-three,
But never learned about big-boys."
there's something so cynical and playful about this, somewhat tragic but brilliant, the imagery explodes.
I could feel the pain in this. It isn't your normal dark/heart breaking poem... this has more feeling than just mere ranting. I'm inlove with your style in this. Your rhyme scheme could have come off as trite and silly, but you perfected it in this and it adds to the piece rather than take away. Absolutely wonderful poem, darling.
Beautiful work.
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Promise...sing
There are perhaps a few typos and reformulating some areas might help in this variation on a 'heartbroken' theme.
One stanza stands out as perhaps deserving rephrasing
-Fairytales are not but lies
To one who has had one night with a king.
For frivolity is not but fun-and-games,
Love a non-existant thing.-
non-existent not non-existant ?
is 'but' used in the sense of only or just or nothing but ? and is the exception continued into the last sentence ? Sense could perhaps be clarified.
_________
See the world for who it shall be.
For what it shall be or for whom ?
_________
amoung or among ?
_________
In the stanza below the dichotomy in itself is well expressed
-Truths will always be revealed
If one will give all of their time.
But when one loses all their soul,
Is waiting not a similar crime?-
but perhaps it could read
-Truth will always be revealed
If one gives all one's time.
But when one loses one's soul,
Is waiting not a similar crime?-
see T.S. Eliot 'Murder in the Cathedral'
'The right thing for the wrong reason'
Hoping this comment is construed as constructive criticism -
line no. 5&7, "not" should be "naught." also, "amoung" is misspelled (or maybe it's a typo), there's no "u."
"But when one loses all their soul,
Is waiting not a similar crime?-"
↑ that's pretty unclear, but perhaps that was your intention.
"-Place this broken heart of mine
Into a jar, high on a shelf,
And let it gather the dust it needs
So that I may collect myself.-"
↑ that's the best stanza.
"She lost herself in a soda-pop glass,
For she never knew one could feel so alone."
↑ very interesting lines. kind of sets up the mood for the rest of the poem; it is both melancholy and silly at the same time... it's like she has no dignity left or something... there's a lot of metaphor about toys and puppets, and that bit about dancers make me think of a music box... but she isn't referred to as a doll until near the end, perhaps she's admitting defeat?
"And it's never the king that takes the fall."
true indeed. but with all this other toy imagery, "king" makes me think of a deck of cards. perhaps he's only a puppet as well? as insignificant as everyone/thing else? maybe the whole thing is a game, and the king isn't the player. maybe he's just another toy.
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Thank you for correcting the 'naught' lines, I appreciate that a lot. I spelled among incorrectly on purpose to give it more feeling as it was spoken. I wanted the readers to have to read the line again, if only just to correct the spelling. And it was my intention that the end of the fourth stanza be unclear. I'm glad someone could read so deeply into the poem and understand it as it was meant to be understood. Most people don't analyze it as you have, so they never really get its true idea.
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very clever about the misspelling. =) and i'm glad i "got" it. go me!
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I am truly speachless
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