Oh love, paint and reveal the dawn
and fly it to me Halcyon
In the morning, with prayer draught
and clear, pellucid thought.
Lead, or follow each day collected,
by and through, and in Light reflected.
At some midpoint, find smooth and abate,
with time and measure and melody sedate.
Then swell and sway and pour forth a full effort.
Rise up tumescent, but full in concert.
Shine and live, all passion, but fair,
ever ready and poised, everywhere.
Be yourself: strong, just, true, and moral,
laced with compassion, presented pastoral.
Walk the narrow road, temper your broad wings.
Look for the heavens, how the solitary star sings.
In the deepest of the spirit, in the darkness of the night,
walk serene and banner mercy, to an already won fight.
Set your eyes on this peace. Lock your fingers in mine.
As we travel this quiescent line.
Author notes
<3.
- World Religions Atheist and Agnostic D group list • next in list
Thankyou.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I like the flow. Nicely done.
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A very nicely crafted piece of poetry. I think you did a great job. I like you imagery throughout the poem.
Sam
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A little ethereal for my taste but I do like the word usage and language; and I tend toward the quiescent too!¡
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Very descriptive word choice and a powerful message. Nicely written, and keep up the great work.
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Lovely piece. Thank you for sharing it with the group.
"Walk the narrow road, temper your broad wings.
Look for the heavens, how the solitary star sings."
Beautiful phrasing throughout!
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"In the morning, with prayer draught
and clear, pellucid thought"
"melody sedate"
"solitary star sings."
"Lock your fingers in mine."
This is breath taking.
You're a very good writer.
I don't even know what else to say besides this is stunning... <3 -
What a splendid piece of writing and such a treat to read ... I've been busy reading everyone else's comments and echo them 100%.
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I hate poetry about religon its not true at all but i liked this poem, dont know why but i enjoyed thankyou
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Matthew,
I really liked your poem. This is my first day as a all poetry member and i liked all of the poems that i have read so far but this one really hit it home. By the way, I'm Desturbedpeace's best friend and hopefully we'll be able to talk sometimes.
From
Diehardyankee
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Damn.. just damn..waxing poetic is an understatement.I have run across a few great poems in my time here, this one just made the list...Scott
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I thought this was very good - again my limited concentration span lets me down and I am drawn to certain lines - walk serene and banner mercy, to an already won fight.
that was pretty damn beautiful - preachy this one, but not in an offensive way, more a peace of pride, confidence and love. Anyhow that is how I read it!
i thought the middle section was the strongest, perhaps in my minds eyes, had i written this i would have been puzzled on how to start and end it.
Great piece.
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This is lovely, with elevated thoughts and sophisticated language. Your rhyming is very good. I think you have a natural feel for iambic meter, and it would not take much effort (with your next poem) to pull the stresses into a consistent line.
"Draught" is one of those peculiar English spellings - check it out at www.rhymezone.com
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Lovely
This is Poetry with a capital P. You are waxing poetic, poemizing like a poet poetical.
Elevated language, classical references, light, peace, darkness, tumescence, passion. Subtle, but this is the kind of poem that can get a guy laid. :-)
I like this poem very much, but you know what I would enjoy? Sitting down over coffee or beer (well, truthfully, I've quit drinking both, so it would probably be mineral water with lime) and have you explain this to me line by line. The explanation would be worthy as a poem in its own right.
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Oh love, paint and reveal the dawn
(my love, start this day with me. breathe first breath of first light and let us start revealing more of our path, together.)
and fly it to me Halcyon
(Stay with me, oh fairest, oh royal and beyond imagination. Keep on walking, right beside me, smooth, steady steps.)
In the morning, with prayer draught
(obviously, in teh morn
. With our sincere reverence to God, our spirits quenched with his word.. In my head was Luther teachings.. morning prayer and such.)
and clear, pellucid thought.
(This is no ritual, we depend on our Faith. This isnt blind cultism, although that doenst bother me tons.. We've a brain, knowing we need our Stregnth.. all to start this day.)
Lead, or follow each day collected,
(im writing for her and i at the same time. I'll lead her, she will follow me, I summed up collected from the last line)
by and through, and in Light reflected.
(Christ, the Light of the World, His Holy Spirit.. active.. lives and works by and through and in.. inside outside and above his children. When one is baptized this is whats called to be. People forsake sacrement nowadays tho)
At some midpoint, find smooth and abate,
with time and measure and melody sedate.
(eh.. take a breath, life is work, but reflect and dont Always storm or ride the storm, dont Always do anything, take a break and love the smoothness of the water, the stillness of the day, the silence of the field.)
Then swell and sway and pour forth a full effort.
Rise up tumescent, but full in concert.
(muster yourself, become what you are, even to the point of over fill, even to strain, even to bear the impossible and the weight of the world on your shoulders.. keep going, and dont back down, for we have infinite stregth in our infinite God. Still love, go with me, dont go past me, or fall behind.. As God is our stregnth, he's given us eachother, to be eachothers stregnth.. Love Can Move Mountains.)
Shine and live, all passion, but fair,
(Let your good works shine and glorify your Father in Heaven. Be the Light of the world, the salt of the Earth. Pour every breath and each bit of sentiment into your actions, but all the same, dont overpower or cause dissention or push to break. Go with God, God is Love.)
ever ready and poised, everywhere.
(Always, even when it seems like we cant anymore)
Be yourself: strong, just, true, and moral,
laced with compassion, presented pastoral.
(As above. Represent Love. There is law and there is the message of the Gospel. We are to spread the love of Christ and love all as he did, thinking of all as higher, we servents of God. We Know what is right, others Can know what is right by looking at us. It would be folly to judge, or form true by slavery, or any way to introduce our dying world to God by any means besides love.. unfailing understading and as much compassion as a simple man can pour forth.)
Walk the narrow road, temper your broad wings.
(We have History. We have Life. This isnt a single day, this is the multitude of days we live in our life. Already for us two, its been rough.. rougher than many could imagine yet full knowing, weve had it more fortunate than plenty. All the same, for our convictions, for our Eternal choice and simply because of the life we both have, we walk the high road, the narrow path into the city, the one less traveled. We will continue to walk, devout. *smiles* This.. hehe.. Her and I.. We love.. we have Faith. God could.. pick us up and let us hold eachother in the air 5 miles up. That doesnt fit with the Grand scheme of things tho eh? Fit in.. sorta.. with this world, so we can help people, which really.. is why we are here.. we have Eternity to spend with eachother happilly. Our faith that can walk on water.. will be Needed.. for more than our wants, tho our wants burn so.)
Look for the heavens, how the solitary star sings.
(See beauty where no one else will. Feed and clothe the stranger and take him into your home. Watch the storm roll over us and have joy with me. See the night sky all alone and still feel love. Love. Love the broken, guide the lost, heal the world.)
In the deepest of the spirit, in the darkness of the night,
(With strained muscles, stressed wills and trying smiles, with confused heads and troubled hearts EVEN Keep on walking with me. We will not have it easy, but our work.. our life's investment, is of the most important nature, and never something to turn our back to. God Will Provide.)
walk serene and banner mercy, to an already won fight.
(Level and light and listening, approch this trecherous world with me.. knowing that God has laid it all out.. and there is nothing we cant get through together.. and alltogehter, once more.. even with our dreams, we have eachother. [eph 4:1 To live is Christ, to die is gain.] To stay here, is God's will.. none can harm us unless he permits it.. and if he calls us home.. what joy we have in store. I hope we get to have kids and our hopes secured, but what would you trade for eternal joy with your one love?)
Set your eyes on this peace.
(You have me, I have you. We have God. Do not fear.)
Lock your fingers in mine.
(Tie yourself to me, for I am yours, one flesh.)
As we travel this quiescent line. -
Thank you. =) I was scared actually.. entering it. Its really my favorite personal peice right now, but I wasnt sure I had the meter right.. I dont write so structured all the time. I tend to mix it up and use my inspiration and heart and use only form if I feel compelled. I try to be original with my writing, but draw from influences as well. I wouldnt mind chatting with you at all. I already have a good respect for you, you leave nice comments. I mean constructed too not just gratifying, I sincerly thank you.. I poured everything I could into this piece and each line. I'll explain it to you.
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I really liked the flow of the poem. The descriptions were very unique and vibrant. My favorite lines were:
Walk the narrow road, temper your broad wings.
Look for the heavens, how the solitary star sings.
Good work! -
It really is a beautiful poem. I don't know how you do that... Every once in a while, you write something that quite literally makes me stop breathing for a minute. This was one of those for me. (I'm not really sure at what part in the poem that happened though.) I wish I had your ability to percieve things so eloquently. Maybe someday...
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It's beautiful...I can't describe it in any other way.
Thank you
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The meter and rhyme scheme works well in this piece; it's nice and fluid - noticeable but not to a bad extent. Your word choice and phrasing is very nice, and it stands out fabulously. You really stretch your vocabulary, and use a great extent of verbiage which is brilliant.
I think you got a little "and" crazy, for example maybe change up the first and second lines like so:
"Oh love, paint and reveal the dawn,
fly it to me Halcyon"
there's other parts in the piece where I think it'd be okay to edit out some "and"s, but your work is pointless to critique because it's openly personal to you, and usually directed at someone. So leave it as it is.
This is a great piece - truly flaunts your poetic abilities.
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