I rise and fall, through dreams we drift
breath whispers in my ear.
Warm chest beneath, strong arms around
new sun will soon appear.
Through dreams I drift, we rise and fall
sweet perfume in the air.
Hands in tangles, limbs entwined
the light catches her hair.
Your hand brushes the marriage mark
that lies beneath my heart.
As moonbeams fade, eyes fill with tears
the dawn pulls us apart.
Placed with a kiss, a binding vow
your brand does sweetly burn.
Gentle caress, a last embrace
and a promise to return.
Morning arrives and you are gone.
Last nights comfort and calm lost in mere minutes.
So I lie here and curse the dawn.
Memory...on the bed...those final moments...
Our peaceful island in a wild sea of blankets.
Author notes
*This is my attempt at the 'Aubade' form of poetry, typically the story of two lovers parting at dawn.
*The two lovers in this particular aubade are characters from one of my very favorite Mangas;
Airi and Aram from MeruPuri.
*For Contest* :
-Author: Matsuri Hino
-Name: MeruPuri
-Synopsis: "All high-school freshman Airi Hoshina ever wanted was to someday live in a cozy home with a loving husband, and find joy in the little things in life. As a result, she makes it her daily mission to get to school on time because school legend has it that the longer one's non-tardy streak is, the better boyfriend one will find. But just when her daily routine is working like clockwork, an occurrence of fairytale proportions threatens to disrupt her grand plan."
* Link to Amazon Book info *
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/142150121X/sr/ref=pd_cp_b_1/105-6401183-6350848?ie=UTF8&qid=1191130248&sr=8-2&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_r=0JPSBQX8YCX6AYGSPMM7&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=252362401&pf_rd_i=1421502216
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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This is good.
I'm actually impressed by how well written it is not many around here can do that I hope to read more of your poetry keep up the good work.
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Beautiful, poignant piece.
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great poem, beautiful flow. keep up the good work
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great poem. u are really good;O ryhming was great too like all the others say and the flow was fantasitic!!
check mine out x x x
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Beautifully done. I loved your perfect rhyme and rhythm. It flowed as should those moments between lovers. Very effectively done.
I must do a bit of study on Aubade and try my hand at it.
I liked this piece a great deal. Well done. ~Pamela
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Wow. This is very nice. Lovely wording, especially that last line
Good Luck,
Erika
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oh... i love it
Its beautiful... there are no words,... just wow
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Outstanding!! This is the first entry that I've judged for this contest and if the rest of them are this good it's going to be a hard decision. I really like form poetry and I've yet to run across an Aubade but I indeed enjoyed it and the idea of lovers parting at dawn. The way your words fell into this were remarkable. Thanks for entering this great piece.
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The rhythm and flow of this is just outstanding. You maintain an almost perfect meter pattern throughout. But that final stanza is problematic. The rest of the poem just flows so beautifully and hauntingly -- you evoke a wonderful dreamlike quality. The imagery is vivid and the metaphoric allusions are subtle and arrived at naturally. Nothing seems "forced" or contrived.
Stunning, breathtaking, awesome. Did I leave anything out?
I need to read some more! What a great poem.
CaliOkie
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This is such a lovely poem and perfect for the topic of two lovers parting at dawn. You have used such wonderful imagery here. WEll done.
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I love it! It's such a beautiful write, and you have written so well! Congratulations! I hope to be reading more of your writes soon, and keep up the good work!
All the best,
~Stephi-Dawne~
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romantic, sensual, a new form for me and one I like very much. I wasn't sure about the change from I to her, we, you but loved /in a wild sea of blankets/
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this is beautiful... but the end so sad - it's shojo manga isn't it?
anyway, not the point
well done and good luck -
very nice
good luck in the contest
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a bit sensual.... (no duh, pegleg-its about two lovers!)
but I like the emotion of it. nice job describing. Keep it up!
pegleg -
I loved it. it flows so eloquently and it is dream like. My favorite part is the ending......
Morning arrives and you are gone.
Last nights comfort and calm lost in mere minutes.
So I lie here and curse the dawn.
Memory...on the bed...those final moments...
Our peaceful island in a wild sea of blankets.
how many times have we dreamed of such and only awoken to a new day fresh with out!
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Poeticanjil -
Amazing Imagery
I really enjoyed reading this. Wonderful use of imagery, could find nothing in the rhyming that had been forced and the whole poem flowed with lyrical ease - wonderful -
Wow, very moving. I felt such intimacy, and I felt the sense of loss at the end when they had to part. That bittersweet feeling when you are satisfied yet left alone.
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You use such strong imagery in your poem. This is very beautifull ywritten I must say. I liked how you used the line "rise and fall" more than once. It gives the poem a lasting effect on the reader. Very well written!
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Didn't care for the last 5 lines. I felt that the piece, as a whole, before it worked just nicely without it. I would recommend removing it. Just seems to be an add-on that doesn't really need to be added on.
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Hey man...!!! you are surely a great poet and I love the amazing write..the imagery is beautiful and strong and is very deep!! it rhymed good too at some places which was the best part..The lyrics make this one of more importance and this one is just amazing.
this is a great job, and i look forward to read more of yours. ANd do take a look at my work too, i wud be very thankful to u for this act of kindness best of luck for more!!!
God bless,
Love,
-Mansoor -
Excellent Poem
Good rhythm and rhyme!i liked the background too.Good colors,and words from the poet!Keep the utensils in hand with writing!I liked it very much!Lisa K haslett Raytown Missouri! -
oh oh
get it goin.
wish there was something like this in me. ah, wouldnt that be grand.
i remembered the other day that i dont really like explaining myself.
As moonbeams fade, eyes fill with tears
the dawn pulls us apart.
i imagined this literally, and i was very sad.
youve got it. but you already know that. thank you
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Promise...sing
Distinct potential here which doubtless will shine through the final draught
Perhaps where I/We are used it might be worthwhile reconsidering using "her" here ...
the light catches her hair.
perhaps writing something 'along the lines' of
"light circles brighter hair"
Hoping this is held proactive criticism -
very lovely...
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This is an O so sweet poem. I liked the look of it.
Thanks!!!
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I have never heard of this form of poetry, but I like this piece so much. It's beautiful, it's sort of sad, all in one. I especially liked this stanza the best because of the way you used your senses, it really paints a picture:
Through dreams I drift, we rise and fall
sweet perfume in the air.
Hands in tangles, limbs entwined
the light catches her hair.
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sensational
this is good, at first I was like Okay, nice but I really like the line "Your hand brushes the marriage mark." I think you did very good writing from this perspective.
. Rewarded 4
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wow
this is well done.
as well as very fitting to both contests.
i also will have to look of the form you used. why? to be able to write like you too!
good luck in this and the other contest.
. Rewarded 4
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On reading this poem I had to first of all do some research into the Aubade form so I knew what I was viewing, and also into Mangas because although the author notes were fairly enlightening I was intrigued enough to the point of wanting to be educated further, which is always a positive thing in my mind. I hope other readers will be as interested to acquire the knowledge too.
The Aubade can either be either rhyming or non-rhyming, written in non-metered form and often has dialogue between the two lovers. The author of this piece of work has obviously chosen the rhyme form which I think is for the most part, pretty sound though a little weak in places particularly in the last stanza. The flow of the poem is quite congenial which makes it instantly accessible to all who read it.
I think the content runs true to the style of the form as it clearly indicates the parting of two lovers at dawn. The imagery used is not blinding but has areas of positive appeal. An example of this is in the line “Your hand brushes the marriage mark”. While I sometimes think that the title of a poem doesn’t really matter too much, I think this poem deserves to be named something more imaginative, to attract a larger audience than it has received all ready.
Personally I found this poem quite endearing and romantic, so I’m happy I’ve had the experience of reading it and having this form brought to my attention.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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edit
Just writing to let you know I recently edited the ending stanza for my poem: The Lonely Morning. I appreciate your comments and criticism and thank you for hosting a great contest!
~
Laura
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Thanks for letting me know of the changes you made. They've been taken into consideration for the contest. Good luck.
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You switch person in the poem, from you to her, and that was a little confusing and something I'd suggest going back over, but I really enjoyed the piece. The rhyme wasn't painfully obvious, which was nice to run across, and the flow, though not syllabically perfect (in conjunction with the rhyme) still worked very well. The marriage-mark verse was my favorite. Very originaly wording and imagery there.
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Great write,this poem it's so desciptive and your attempt at the 'aubade' form of poetry is good.great write,i enjoyed reading it. very good
. Rewarded 4
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Beautiful dawn poem--what I really liked was the imagery--wow. Are Aubade's suppose to rhyme? I really don't know the answer to that. Especially like the ending image--"wild sea of blankets'!
. Rewarded 4
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great great write
I liked every line of this poetry. what an amazing description of intimacy in the backdrop of the struggle of night and dawn... one desires the other.
Amazing write...
I loved very much reading it. Thanks for sharing.
May god bless you!!!
. Rewarded 4
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Great last line,"our peaceful island in a wild sea of blankets",this write was so gentle and had a beauty all of its own,keep on penning.
. Rewarded 4
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