Bail bondsmen
The bonds that tie
Define confinement
Along with these legalities
Making sensitivity parallel to stupidity
Behind this plexi glass
You say
I love the way you look at me
Peering left
I can't remember if that’s validity
Psychology lies to me every time
Caressing your side a deep breath tells me
I love you
It’s not true
This morning he broke your trusses
Explaining why your knees shake with betrayal
I was only gone seven days Brutus
It’s not the Ides of March
It's half past Valentine’s Day
And your dagger is far to punctual
Puncture my artery
See how I bleed
It's metaphorical
Don't get foggy
We have a flat line
This friendship is declared
Dead on arrival
Back
Back
Back to her
I want to hate you
Like the taste of gin
But alcoholism runs in the blood
I’m sloshed
So these decisions seem fine
We can come to an agreement
Yesterday, you were mine
Today, you were his
Tomorrow let me know
What rolls up on the die
There must be whores
In my head
At the door
In my bed
Because you leaving
And I surely feel like dying
I’ve been a bad boy
Throw me back in confinement
I need stale bread and bananas
To prove that this is as good as it gets
Everyone place their bets
The odds are ten to one
I plea no contest
And take a lesser charge of foolishness
I want ignorance for bliss
Heavens not real
Hopefully the Lake of Fire
Is solid this time of year
In this game of jail house spades
I was raped without a kiss
Being a gambling man
The jackpot was full of
Cigarettes, three weeks of breakfast meals,
And a fleeing dignity
This is the last hand and
I’m going nil
Author notes
Love and hate. Bryant36
A contest entry
- Love, Hate and Murder. Pick your poison and give me your best by Forlorn Dreams.
525 points, ended June 13, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - for those who want to improve their poems and meet friends at the same time by star wars fanatic.
700 points, ended July 2, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 3 rounds contest! by Beating.
600 points, ended August 11, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Don't Eat The Belt of Deltora! PREWRITES ALLOWED by ultimate beluga.
550 points, ended September 8, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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"Puncture my artery
See how I bleed"
I loved those lines! I really like how you portrayed love and hate in this, in such an original way. It was a bit long, but you really kept my attention!
One thing. In this line:
"And your dagger is far to punctual"
It should be "too" and not "to". -
Behind this plexi glass
You say
I love the way you look at me
Love it**
Well done...
It's a great write
-
Captivating, to say the least! Dark, somewhat sad, but not so far as to make it depressing to the reader. Excellent writing!
-
this is awesome! slightly humourous (in a dark way!) this is so gritty and real in a way. this is really great! and i love your combinations of words
Behind this plexi glass
You say
I love the way you look at me
Peering left
I can't remember if that’s validity
Psychology lies to me every time
great work!
-
This is a great piece that might have done well in the Romance category as well (but entering it here is just as well). I loved how you put a face on the piece in lines 23 and 24 ("It's metaphorical / don't get foggy"). You use the metaphor device frequently in the poem and always with a great deal of success. Sometimes, as critics, we are stuck out there in nowhere land wondering if, maybe, we just don't get it. Consequently, we come to enjoy (a great deal) an effort that is both deep and accessable at the same time.
This piece covers a lot of ground where a lesser attempt might have instead just chosen to be repetitive. You examine nuanced emotion while admitting, in the first verse, that your contemplation is, on some level, worthless.
The alcohol and confinement analogies are effective and powerful, and read as if you have taken pains to make sure they are just so.
There is at least one typo in the piece (line 45) which, given the comment by star wars fanatic, you are prone to. But when it comes right down it, I really couldn't care less. This work is as real as it comes. You haven't overstated yourself, and the piece is wonderfully unassuming. You've taken the time to make sure that your point gets across rather than just shooting blinding and hoping someone mistakes the result for genuis. Well done.
Thank you for this entry.
~Das -
I love this write, very clever and unique, my favorite stanza is..."We can come to an agreement
yesterday, you were mine,
today you were his,
Tomorrow let me know
What rolls up on the die,
though it's written full of emotion, you shared a subtle hint of humour, well done, and good luck
-
Explaining why you knees shake with betrayal
Should you be your in this line?
I like this piece. The whole feel is very unique and interesting. I like the way you relayed emotion in such a different and subtle way, while still making it clear.
Such a nice piece. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
*finalist* -
Behind this plexi glass
You say
I love the way you look at me
that^^ was my favorite line out of the whole poem it is an awesome poem you used alotta metaphors and you created a picture in my mind this is a great write -
This is really good. I like it, a lot actually. I really like the allusions that you used. You seem to include them in all of your work. This flows really good as well, something my writes rarely do.
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thanks for entering and goodluck
Cookie
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