They were devastated -
The parents
I watched
From across the stained, wooden fence
not quite seperating our two worlds
Sympathisers that came and went
To the beat of
eachother's footfalls
Their inquisitive "hows?" and "Whys?",
The anguish of recollection,
The stark contrasts of the present
The past, the long past
Jenny, the mother retired early
The burden of tears
Smearing light rouge
That failed to conceal
The absence of hope
Her mr., vacant,
Captive of his own regret
One could see the self-blame
And all the inevitables
Since that day
The house holds
An unnatural stillness
A reminder of life
The price of living.
A contest entry
- Prewrite Contest III by T.o.r.t.u.r.e..
700 points, ended May 18, 126 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
good, a'ight, crap? whatever....
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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this is very good thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
"Jenny, the mother retired early
The burden of tears
Smearing light rouge
That failed to conceal
The absence of hope
Her mr., vacant,
Captive of his own regret
One could see the self-blame
And all the inevitables"
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I like this poem a lot. "And all the inevitables" is a great line. And the last stanza shapes the poem nicely. good luck in your contest.
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I enjoyed the way that you have used the house as the embodiment of life to better define death, which you never quite state, but instead, allow the audience to draw their own conclusions. I have long believed that a thing is best defined by its opposite and I think that this piece is a great showcase for that reality. This piece is also a perfect example of what I mean when I discuss "metaphysical poetry" with people, and I am sure to be referencing it to that end in the future. You hit on all the points in this piece and I am glad to have the chance to read it.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
I like how you use a house to tell the story from the walls of what could of happen. It hits many of life points.
Captive of his own regret
One could see the self-blame
Being human we can relate to these words with a crystal clarity.
I like the form and content of the write. I feel it took a great deal of thought to write this. It a very good free verse write. One can feel the feeling in this write.
Great work. Wishing the best in the final round. -
I think this has to be the first poem of this nature that I’ve read for this contest. The topic is slightly unusual in the fact that it is something many people have probably experienced but possibly never thought to put into written form because of sensitivity of the issues involved. Loss has devastating consequences for those involved and I think the author has expressed that with vivid clarity here by using short blunt lines and down to earth vocabulary. I feel this also captures the feeling of quick glances over the garden fence, almost as if they should not be looking out of respect for the event. The reality of numbness is also present in this work and presents in a way that readers are left under no illusion of its intensity. Given the subject matter I think the author has given great thought to the overall power and emotions of a situation that many will witness but never express so openly.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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So sad
One does count their blessings when people about you fall and as your body yearns to help silence fills the gap and the moment remains left alone to cry alone . If only they knew how many tears fell about them people who truly care and feels their demise -
line 3 , wooden
line 8 cut, too busy unnecessary
rewrite 10 for more concise descrption
18. also unnecessary
maybe 27 & 28 could be reduced to just the price of living,
Good poem.
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Good write
Yes to view the pain of others in a moment of agony is an unforgetful event . Its a memory that tends to keep flashing back when in dought of ones own life as this crazy world slowely turns
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this poem is good. I mean that in a sincere way. It does not jump out at you and seize your throat in order to start the well of tears, but it has its merits. An observer, a fly on the wall, how you engross the audience with you, and tell us what you know. The great thing about this poem is that you seem to know as much as the reader, keeping us tactfully held in suspence, and graciously leaving us to our own assumptions that are ever so subtley suggested by your imagery and tone. My only concerns is your use of the cliche diction: silence, 'anguish of memory' etc.
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Arcane in the extreme, but very deftly done piece of poetry and I enjoyed it a great deal... bravo...
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That was really getting there. You're getting close.
keep going forward, and it's yours. The poetry for the taking. -
hmm.. this is nice. great verse. I quite liked it.
good luck in the contest.
good wishes
-Neha
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DEEP
WOW, this one is out there. I did enjoy reading and commenting. keep on penning
POETDONTKNOWIT -
ohhh, Ir eally liek this one, alot. I can feel the fringes laced with infinity! great job!
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I like the brokewind part.
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