My eyes are somewhat in tears
what a disappointment I turn out to be
Like ashes kept in a jar, I am worthless
Like a candle shedding miserable wax,
emptiness creeps inside of me
I become a lonely star hanging up from the sky
Griefs fill my heart as I bid adieu
I fought hard throughout despair, alas
darkness consumes my soul
Author notes
Mr. Mack
A contest entry
- Dead ... Tell Me Goodbye by azlyn.
450 points, ended June 12, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Got something sad inside you? New or old. by Naridill.
450 points, ended June 13, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Something different and for all ages by Dark Whispers.
300 points, ended May 2, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Short Poems by Pollycheck.
450 points, ended May 26, 2008, 179 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Thank you for entering my short poems contest. This is indeed a dark write, but i have just a couple of suggestions that I think might make the poem read a little better. you can either take or leave the suggestions. They are only one person's idea.
what a disappointment I turn out to be
could be changed to:
what a disappointment I turned out to be
I become a lonely star hanging up from the sky
could be changed to:
I become a lonely star hanging in the sky
Griefs fill my heart as I bid adieu
could be changed to:
Grief fills my heart as I bid adieu -
Liked this one a lot
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Poem from one who died huh. I liked this and I hope you won the contest. Your style is so different from I'm used to. I liked the metaphor of the lonely star. That was straight out the box yo'.
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Do not stand upon my grave and weep
That line bugged me, cause it is in a classic poem with no refference to it in authors notes. -
Kinda kicks my ass a little... Like puppy kicked to the curb feeling. Congratulations. not for contest bullshit. Can i say bullshit on here? anyways. anyone can write a poem...but some of us are not worth a damn when trying to make it sound good. And not everyone can take an idea, and know how to make it personal or mean enough so that someone other than ourselves can fully understand.
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Thank you for your entry!!! Best of luck to you in the contest!
Blessings,
Azlyn
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