Put paint on a picture
And relize
It's not the color you want.
So paint it over
And it goes black.
Drench my heart in blood
Then hang it up to dry.
Now you want to bleach it,
It's white so you give it back.
Write a melody
Then sing the song,
A minute later
It's all wrong.
So write it over
With different words
But the tune is horrible
Because it doesn't go with the verse.
Draw a smile
But after a while
The markings look dull
And worn out.
You try to retrace
But look at that face,
Screwed up worse than it was.
So put this picture on my heart,
The song means just that.
Give me that face
But please don't retrace,
I'd like the circles to stay.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poets With No Trophies # 1 by Harrisham Minhas.
420 points, ended June 19, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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"And relize" - "relize" would be "realize". The "And" isn't needed.
I would suggest with this piece to remove all the punctuation and take out any words that aren't really necessary, and to make the lines you have shorter, 3-4 words each (some less).
You're speaking in a sort of abstraction, so, I feel that the piece itself should be of the same accord, going by form and wording. It strengthens the piece, in my opinion.
EX:
You have:
"Put paint on a picture
And relize
It's not the color you want.
So paint it over
And it goes black."
And what I feel would work better would be:
"paint a picture
realize
it's not the colors
wanted
paint over and
it goes black"
Something like that. Less wordy, more abstract, more telling. That's just a rough sketch, I'd probably even edit that. Sometimes detail is in the imagery of very few words.
I think a lot could be done with this piece in such regard.
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Drench my heart in blood
Then hang it up to dry.
Now you want to bleach it,
It's white so you give it back.
This seems to be quite the type of hysteria i like. you have a way to traumatize and captivate the mind. well done. -
awesome!
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This was an interesting poem. I love how it describes the weary heart so well. Good luck.
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Very nicely expressed.
Thanks for your entry. Good luck in my contest.
Harrisham Minhas
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my name
for the contest *Poets with no Trophies* my name is mywristshurt -
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