As the swords clash,
and my heart races
I wonder,
who will come out the victor?
He is so much stronger than me,
I can't defeat him.
I might as well just lay here and die.
No!
I must press on.
I have to embrace this evil,
and use it to save those close to me.
I will not die here,
not now.
This monster shall become my ultimate weapon.
With one fell swoop,
I shall cast this monster into the abyss!
Author notes
Image three
http://t0shiya.joueb.com/images/ichigo%20hollow.jpg
A contest entry
- Ages 13 and Under ONLY ~ Pick an Image and write what comes to mind by Amunet Wolfbane.
300 points, ended June 26, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - biggest contest in allpoetry history! (i hope) need 1,000 entries!! by Gasp.
1300 points, ended July 11, 2007, 638 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 57 of 57
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makes me wonder what the monster is. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Okay... You wish for a critical analysis, I shall give it to you.
The whole idea of what you have written is relatively good, however the whole concept of an attack for a person soul is something that is good and pure is fighting against something corrupt and evil. The only one that can win is the one that you feed. Will you decide to go with the side of the light? Or the side of evil? Thats what the 'clash for the soul' is about. You do not acturally fight, but you have the power to turn the battle however, the loser is not always beaten. Now then, enough about the 'history' of the soul battle and back on track to the poem itself.
The patten of your poem keeps on changing. Tap out a beat while you are reading this, do you see what I mean? However it is quite well written when you write that you will become evil, to destroy evil. Or something similar to that.
Still this is a relitivedly well written poem. It would be wise not to change this poem but to write another poem based on what I, and others, have written about this one.
Best of luck -
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Thanks for the critical analysis. It is much appreciated.
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i like how you are saying at first that you should just back down because you know your going to lose, then you go on to say no, you will beat them. i love this write, i wouldn't change much.
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Quite an intriguing travel of the muse is here bringing the various layers of life combining the races nand its fears of the life are seen through the depth of this verse..well done...
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This was a good poem. I liked your imgination in this poem of use a monster as ur ultimate weapon thats good. in the poem it seems like its good vs evil. will good win or will evil win only you know the anwser to that. Good Job! keep the good writeing up.
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I might as well just lay here and die.
No!
I must press on.
Such determination in this piece. I really enjoyed this piece. Keep the pen scratchin' -
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Thank you.
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Amazing
This piece is astounding...the beginning starts out with the underlying feeling of despair and as you read on it starts to build up in passion and despair is replaced with the desire to survive/win. I enjoyed it. ~mandie~ -
That's written nicely. I can imagine and feel it as well..
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Very nice, you wrote it and set it up in a way that makes it sound as though it actually being said or thought. Easy to read and understand, thanks!
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the start is really good, but i don't really get the end.
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Hey I really like it, especially where you engage the reader's senses, like the "clashing of swords" line. More of this mgiht be good. Good vocabulary too. Great work.
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I can feel the idea you're trying to portray here, the battle, but I want more images. The first image, the clashing of swords, is wonderful. But then you just tell me what you're feeling. Give me more images, metaphors, let me figure it out in the way you describe this battle.
Great start, -
I like I can really feel a battle for your soul. It kinda makes me feel like there is a monster after me, but maybe I'm just paranoid. Great poem. Short, but brillant.
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Thank you very much.
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Wow that's great! Finding the strenth and power within, to keep moving on and pushing forward, can be such a difficult thing to do...but when you do suceed, it's such a wonderful feeling to have battled it out, and to know that you didn't give up.
Awsome stuff, keep up the good work!
V/E
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Thank you for the comment.
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I love the beginning, it is catching and strong, and very vivid, os is the title. I love the end it is catching and stron gand very vivid, and the last two lines are phenominal. I was very...umm..disapointed with the middle, they are not as catching and...ect. I found them to be kind of weak, sort of as though you wrote two view points and didn't know how to put them together. I think part of the problem is it is too sudden, you go from a struggle, to ease. Maybe if the struggle were more...not dragged out exactly but eleaborated on, if it was felt that you were slowly overcomeing, and winning. I think that might work better. Overall though a great write.
'I can't do it.
I don't know what to do.
He is going to kill me
I know it.
I might as well just lay here and die.
No
I cannot.
I must live.' that's the problem part, it sort of goes into a childish vocabulary and loeses the imagery and the metaphor, imho. Not in any way trying to sound harsh. Good write, and keep writing!
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Thank you for the comment. I shall fix this problem and hopefully make it better. Thank you for the criticism.
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wait wait wait.... so the evil side of himself... (I'm assuming he's fighting himself because of the title) is stronger than he is... and hes afraid that he's going to lose against it... but then he "wins" and throws it into a abyess... and saves it for later as use as a weapon..... I think he already lose to the evil side if hes gonna do that... lol
This was a wonderful write and was a delight to read...
PersuingHappyness -
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He doesn't necessarily "win" but he controls it and uses it as a weapon. Thank you for the comment.
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>>As the swords clash,
Nice opening line. It grabs your attention from the start.
>>and my heart races
There should be a comma after races.
>>He is so much stronger than me,
He is so much stronger than I. (I'd use a period instead.)
>>my resolve is faltering.
I would capitalize "my" and put a hyphen at the end of this rather than a period.
>>He is going to kill me
>>I know it.
>>I might as well just lay here and die.
This isn't as strong as the rest of the poem is.
>>No
>>I cannot.
>>I must live.
>>I have to embrace this evil,
>>and use it to save those close to me.
>>I will not die here,
>>not now.
I just feel like that whole thing was out of nowhere. It didn't really add anything. It lacked the strong focus that the rest of the poem had.
>>With one fell swoop,
>>I shall cast this monster into the abyss!
>>And he will become my ultimate weapon.
Nice ending. I really like that.
Anyways, thanks for sharing. Hope I helped!
-mandy -
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I can understand where you're coming from. I appreciate the comment, and I thank you for helping me make my poetry better.
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I like the way this write develops down the page here. You created a nice transition from the beginning of the poem to the ending. It almost has the feel of of a "beginning"... like there is more to come. Keep that ink flowing freely from your pen dear poet!
♥ Touchof1der -
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Thank you very much.
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You use your few words well and leave room for a prequel or a sequel while writing something that also stands on its own.
Good work.
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Thank you.
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I like this... You skilfully show the struggle within, or the "battle for my soul" as you call it... Your age makes it even more impressive, as most people are seemingly never able to set words to feelings, and you can manage this well already.. Keep writing
-Cirion
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Thank you.
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Depicts our daily battle with within us, and reminds us that we've got to have the willpower to survive and overcome! Good poem!
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Thank you
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"I have to embrace this evil,
and use it to save those close to me.
I will not die here"
Has got to be my favorite part of the poem. Needs more to give a scenery and a vision of what is happening but overall pretty good.
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Thank you very much.
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No problem
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Promise...sing
Interesting approach at role reversal ... though perhaps more use could be made of images and less of the omnipresent I which seems to eye everything from a rather exclusive standpoint -
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Thank you very much for the comment.
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nice nice, more of a story really, but very well told, i like the inspiration you got from that image ng friend!
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Thank you very much.
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Nicely written.
It's very narrative,
I would add some senses and human qualities to it to make it a nicer read, thoughts and feelings are essential if you are trying to conjure a character within poetry.
I enjoyed the idea you had here and the vocabulary you used was impressive, I like the style and the layout,
But with a little extra work I think this could be a master piece!!
lexy xx
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Thank you very much for your comment, it is most appreciated.
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I like the idea of this and the strength in your words.
I think that maybe if it wasn't so choppy,
[like, yes/no/maybe I will/but how can i?/fine I say yes. type of thing]
It would flow better.
But over all nice job <3 -
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Thank you for the very helpful constructive criticism, it is appreciated.
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I really dig the ending to this piece. You did a great job rolling into this subject and ended it strongly. I really liked this alot :D
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Thank you.
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nott bad
Tghe image is laid out simple yet so so full full of strenfth. The beginning sounds like the battles we all face within ourselves daily, the want to concede and fight no more. but in the end it seems that if you do fight back that in beating the hate or sadness then what you learn from the victory will serve on as a way to defeat it again. great write keep it up
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Thank you very much.
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ooh, first time I bump into a poem based no third picture, and what a wonderful job you have done here I like the strength that shows here - great job!
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Thanks
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great write it has a twist of darkness i dont know if it is considered a dark piece are not but it had a dark twist to it.great writ
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Thanks
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this is really really good, esp for your age. without looking at the picture its as if your writing about a split personality. a plea for help. very well done this is brilliant xxx
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Thank you very much.
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nice imagry, but you do not need so much puncuation I feel. Read aloud and listen as you hear...nice work!
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Thank you. I've been told my punctuation is pretty bad. It's one of the things I have to work on. Poetry and punctuation are a strange combination lol. Thank you for the comment I do appreciate it.
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zap~
this does the picture double and triple over justice!
wow... i didn't even have to look which picture you used. it fit it so well.
don't give in
when you have your victory
no matter how small
it makes you stronger.
"And he will become my ultimate weapon."
good luck~
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Thank you very much. Glad you got the reference.
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