The consequences ruin the cool,
The curved lines of the Cognac
Keep cutting the cap of my own constant criticisms.
Could you care enough,
To calm my confused core?
To conclude the cries of my conceited character.
Can you cherish this chaotic chick?
To confine me to a closed box,
Of contact, caresses and concern.
I can't command your cognizance,
But I can't constrain my compassion,
I crave your companionship and care.
My confidant as I gave you the commentary,
Of my made up confidence and carefree image,
You cast off my disguise and concentrated
On the capable woman I could be.
Author notes
Right my recents have been poor, and I think this was the challenge I needeed. As you can see, there are a lot of 'C's in this. This wasn't by mistake it was the brief. what do you think?
A contest entry
- An Alphabetical Collaboration; Volume 2 by BlackRabbit9x.
2250 points, ended June 11, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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I can't command your cognizance,
But I can't constrain my compassion,
I crave your companionship and care.
this conflict made me stop and I think for a while
demanding attention -
you have a beautiful gift! I really enjoyed readin g this! great job.
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althought i would rather you not use "can't", i think the poem is pretty good... i have to admit i do love the message much much more than the style... and as i do recognize it is what the brief called for i would wish deeply out of my own selfishness that you write again on the subject without the constrictions of rules.... all in all i still like it alot....
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Overall
A great poem, filled with rhythmic structure. I can see the message you do best to convey here, but I'm not sure if I can feel it as well as your other readers. But this is an impressive poem. Please keep writing.
P.S. I see you have a thing for C's. Let's not hope that wasn't on your report card, lol.
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It amazing at how many C one can write about. I feel you meet the challenge head on. One needs to pat them self on the back. For a job well done. I do not think I could come up with that many C words and make sense. Great job.
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This was an excellent style and structure you chose. It made the poem extremely enjoyable. I enjoyed your wording also.
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I really should dislike this entry since poetry done in this sort of exercise-format, while it does get the brain going, tends to be of a generally poor nature. Despite myself, however, I can't say that about this piece. You've risen to the challenge well (as clearly observed by the other contest holder) and crafted a poem where the repetitive "c" actually enhances the effort rather than detracting from it. Specifically, I think it creates a sort of inner flow to the poem that moves the reader along without the use of rhyme, which is always commendable when it is done well. You've exhibited a formidable skill word-usage-wise that I am pleased to have read. That your writing is also an affirmation seems especially apt, well done. I also had a bit of a smile over the fact that "c" is the phoenical spelling of "see," as if you were saying to yourself "see, I can do it."
If I could change anything about this piece I'd alter the usage of the word "chick." It is a bit of a cheat, vocabulary speaking, and you have proven that it isn't up to your standards. But really, thats just nit-picking. You could just as easily leave this as it is and none should find fault.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
Wow, really wonderful use of alliteration! Very unique and interesting!
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Great alliteration of the letter c in this poem. Sometimes hard to have the lines make sense using all these words that begin with the same letter, but this works well in this poem. Thought the last verse well done.
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wow, sweet consanance. That was really cool. But I am a liitle blind now. Maybe Im just silly but the background is very piercing. haha, good job though.
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nice
this was good, i liked the metaphor and the imagery you used! great job!!!
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This totally deserves a gold. Good write!! I loved it. You use good wording.
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Excellent
An excellent write and a well deserved gold.
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Congratulations!!!
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WOW... impressive!!
Loved the unique word usage and how it didn't seem forced. Good luck in the contest!!
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Many times I think some of those thoughts myself as a man. Not many listen to them though. well written, I understand the heaviness of the issue.
Let this brighten your thoughts some
http://allpoetry.com/poem/3053366
it's only 21 lines and should hold your attention.
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this is wonderful love it xxx
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Buck it up baby.
You got some good grammer goin' on
and amazing allitertation always accents
a meaningful message
if properly portrayed
in a poingnant piece of
poetic perfection such as this.
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Well applauded
You did a great job on this write the words you used told a story. The punctuation make it more interesting and serious type of write. I love the concept of the write. And what it tells. THank you for sharing. (Lisa)
"My confidant as I gave you the commentary,
Of my made up confidence and carefree image,
You cast off my disguise and concentrated
On the capable woman I could be."
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Cool.
I loved the alliteration. It worked really well and didn't seem forced. I wished the last line had had some too though and I'd like to see some punctuation. Other than that, really neat.
Could you return the favor on this? http://allpoetry.com/poem/3050458
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Righty,I've changed it a bit and added the punctuation and another 'C' to the last line!! Thanks for the advice, was much apreceiated.
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