you used to laugh,
and I heard your love for me
in the unguarded joy of expression
we used to wish on the stars
lucky numbers, and sometimes
doubled over potato chips.
11:11 meant you wanted to be
in my arms
childhood games kept us dreaming
but your fear kept us distant
while we watched the same moon
your unresolved hurts hurt me
I used to ask my father for water
in the middle of the night
when my world disappeared unsafely
I could never ask you,
I just got up myself.
I’m old enough to know
that my world is unsafe in darkness
or in shallows, but I am big enough
to swim through the shadows.
I still get up for water in the night
but I no longer have to roll over you
to get out of bed.
A contest entry
- Whatever Happened To Poetry? by Rof Cau.
350 points, ended June 18, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Wow. This is one of the best last verses I have read and a stunningly effective way of ending this particular poem.
The storyline is also logical and well planned - from the little personal everyday details in the first stanza to draw the reader into the relationship on an emotional level, to the problems and the end of it.
I appreciated your use of the water bit. Although I think the second stanza the weakest only in that it is a bit too straightforward (except for the beautiful 3rd line that can stand better without "even" because that word is already implicit) in a poem where symbolism and metaphor is used so well.
Thank you for entering this poem making my contest what I could only hope for it to be - a contest to find and read poetry. -
This poem is strangely powerful to me... I'm not saying it isn't powerful but I read through it and maybe it's the song that I'm listening to with coinciding lyrics that just really influenced the moment. Nonetheless, I loved it and this is a magnificent write
Alex
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Thanks for the comment I always love to know how my words influence people, even if it's enhanced musically Thanks.
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GET THIS PUBLISHED. Way too frigin' good not to be. I'm thinking Generation Magazine *nod* or someone looking for high calibre.
One revision demand: 1st stanza, last two lines -- "...and I wanted to hold
your body as the essence of you."
Please cut this. Or reword it without "essence" (word choice needs work) and holding in arms cliche is unecessary --it's already shown and implied when you say, "11:11 meant you wanted to be in my arms"
Overall revision suggestion of 1st stanza:
you used to laugh,
and I heard your love for me
in the unguarded joy of expression
we used to wish on the stars
lucky numbers, and sometimes
doubled over potato chips.
11:11 meant you wanted to be
in my arms
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