I'd like to read
between your lines,
the scar on your forearm,
the dents in your smile.
Those contours
in your mind run
deep as the mariana trench
and as long as the nile.
I swim through them
and you bubble with talk,
crystalline and blue.
A contest entry
- Battle Of The Muse. Fighting With Ink: {ROUND ONE} by PerfectImperfection.
900 points, ended June 20, 2007, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Beautiful; I'm really liking this piece. It gives a feel of people acting bright and bubbly, when deep down their lives are nothing but cold and fake. This poem really makes you think. In brevity you also have a lot of power.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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that was pretty great. you had to have a syllable count for that one? good job, though. looks like you put a lot of hard work into this one, and i think it payed off, too.
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Ah, indeed you have written 55 syllables exactly, and in the process managed to create something beautiful. Great feel, this poem carries a poignant depth. Thank you so much for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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Loved it, probably best entry yet! (To me). Just loved it, it was perfectly flown and beautifully written.
Thanks for entry.
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Never has fifty-five syllables been so strongly set in a piece. Everything flows so smoothly, I'm left stunned. You state such a wonderful feeling - the want to get to know someone to the smallest detail. And you never have to spell it out for the reader; you can base your metaphors in a realist way, and you use such conventional scenery the reader has to read this many times just to get over the originality of the piece.
Personally, I love how you broke up the stanzas; it makes the piece extremely easy to read through and organized. You keep the sincere feeling steady throughout and it's quite obvious that there is passion in your words.
No suggestions, this is great.
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