Squall;
the good old Georgian humidity
sticks into your sheets,
one with the stitches,
the thread count,
and I,
well I've been wondering
how many more summer nights we can spend
with the fan humming in the background
and the train rushing past your bedroom window
because cloud nine's been grey
for quite some time now
and I can't help but to rain on you
(it's hard to stop when you're already falling).
Tree branches
pitch,
tossing their high heads,
with leaves scratching out
a morsecode SOS to the sky.
I am uprooted,
conflicted.
You see, towns like these
shouldn't have people as beautiful as you
and I,
I shouldn't have been able to find you
(I've been looking too hard).
Brown-eyed,
doe-eyed,
bedroom-eyed boy,
I'd go out on a limb just to feel you against my chest,
your pulse rumbling in my mouth.
Thunderstricken.
I'm not one
to rely on
any singular person
for emotional support
but the eye of the storm
keeps seeing right through me.
You're not going to break,
and I'm still falling.
The clouds match my eyes on days like today
and our showers are never better.
Because the birds always stop singing at the start of the storm,
these things end up speaking for themselves.
A contest entry
- [Baby Tug The String On My Back, Maybe I'll Breathe A Little Longer.] by SarahEatsAirplane.
343 points, ended August 21, 2007, 57 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
390 points, ended October 10, 2007, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Yes
Superb. I am a huge fan of the absurdly simplistic imagery in this piece that paints something interestingly special, especially of that in the first stanza. You have an excellent voice & flow. Thanks; Ryan. -
Yes.
Loved it. Some minor things that could be improved, but excellent imagery and description and heart. -
Yes, a very nice write, some line break issues, but I can see you going further in this contest. Good Luck.
-
Yes
I have a few issues with emphasis and line-breaks in this piece, but content-wise, I thoroughly enjoyed the read and see potential for improvement here.
Good luck!
La x
-
I enjoyed this.
-
A great stormy piece.I could sense a whirlwind of emotion.I just realised I'm commenting in a metaphoric way as your poem has made me think of dark crashing storms of life.
~helen
-
“and I,
well I've been wondering
how many more summer nights we can spend
with the fan humming in the background
and the train rushing past your bedroom window” I could really relate to those lines! This write is superb. The phenomenal imagery is captivating. The rich and expertise language in this poem is remarkable. I am aghast at how skilful and glorious this write is. This poem truly is a divine tempest of surging emotion and the romantic tone, so real, a summer romance sort of tone, a tangible romance, something that is marked and vivid in the mind, so vivid, the reader is experiencing rather than just reading it. I was swept away by this piece, plowed over and trampled upon with intense emotion, powerful, vivid imagery, strong and expert language, fantastic flow, and an innovative, artistic poetic eye that mystifies the reader. A brilliant write. Well done!!!! -
Hmmm. I really loved your imagery here. Fucking fantastic. To me, this read like a song in parts. Everything was "stitched" together perfectly for this, I think. One of your best that I have read in a while, but then again, I haven't read your stuff in a while it seems, either.
~James
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Well that last comment says it all perfectly...except for a couple of things--WOW!!! and Oh My God!!! I could start pointing out parts of the poem that I liked...but by the time I got done, I would have the whole damn thing down here, so once again pure excellence!!!
Wyatt xxx
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Holy cow, I got bowled over by the punctuation! I kidda you. One suggestion I have is with this line:
"leaves scratching out a morsecode SOS to the sky." [second stanza]
perhaps adding "with" to the beginning of that line and making it two lines instead of one would make it flow better with the other lines in that verse.
The only other thing is editing out the "See," after "thunderstricken". Other than that, I adore this whole piece.
The emotion just seems to escalate with every verse, and it becomes a wonderful crescendo towards the end.
The images are wonderfully connected, but not shoved down the reader's throat. I especially like the coherent personification of trees that you asserted in the work.
The last four lines are an extremely brilliant way to cap the piece off. There's a lot of innovativeness that you flaunted just within those last few lines. The ending image is beautiful and bittersweet.
The structure is organized, but very free and fluid in its presentation.
Fabulous work, woman.
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