The rays of the sun disappear,
But my inside burns
With all the pain you put me through.
My screaming eyes are abused,
By all the tears
I continuously shed.
With me lies
A bottle of vodka and a pack of ciggarettes
That appear older than my ancestors.
My anger and hate
Crawl through my body
Like a snake;
Cold and poisonous.
Thoughts of happier times fill me,
As this was just yesteryear.
The love that once soothed my soul
Gone forever,
Like the wind blowing in the Sahara dust.
Alone I sit,
Waiting patiently,
For death to take me away
Author notes
Option 7. Words I used: screaming, burns, abused, vodka, ciggarettes, anger, hate, dust, alone, death
I tried to put this together. Not sure if this is the type of poem required.
A contest entry
- Options ♥ come and see!! ull lovveee!! by Crazy-Baby.
1350 points, ended June 10, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Powerful write. I really loved the bit comparing the anger and hate inside you to a snake. Great job integrating the word bank. It worked well. Too bad you didn't get a shiny for it
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I love it. I can't tell you how much this hit home. I am one to write what is in my soul, and even though it was a word prompt, you have to feel something of what you wrote for it to impact me so. great read/write. -mandie-
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Powerful, angry. Beautiful job here with this piece. Though I don't like the waiting patiently bit. I don't think I'd be patient if I was like that.
-Les -
Wow, what powerful anger!! You wove the words together pretty well, better than I could have.
I don't express myself this well when Im this angry, but I know what it means to feel like this.
jin
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good good a spark of originality and nice word use i felt your anger even though for me the flow stumbled for me a bit. very creative but it just felt missing somethinf thats all very well though and please comment one of mine *bows*
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I think you put these words to very good use. I like the desert imagery in this poem. It makes me feel the heat and thirst that the persona feels. Nice.
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you really allow the reader to feel what you are going through and thats what makes this such a great write, i love it minor flaws and all.
great write -
I'll start on the minuses - there aren't many, however there some superb verses, wordplay and phrasing here, so so much imagination.
then you write,
The love that once soothe my soul
Gone forever,
Like the wind blowing in the Sahara dust.
too predictable - not to worry though, cos the rest is really good, you have adopted a less is more approach with subtle yet creative images. If only more writers would adopt this approach and drop the pretend clever of, look at me, I have swallowed a dictionary.
this is a really nicely written poem, which sounds lame, i know, but it is, and to be truth, I don't read much here that is nicely written. This has a simplicity about it which is as deceiving as it is appealing.
i don't feel your pain, I wouldn't expect too, it is personal to you!
Great write.
Anymore you want me to read?
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THIS IS EXCEPTIONALLY AWESOME. I CAN SOOO RELATE TO THIS!! not a word was unfittingly for what you have in your thoughts. beautiful!!
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wow this is good, i really liked it. i can feel ur pain and ive been ther, well done thanx for entering xx
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