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i can hear them

i can feel their eyes on me
they're planning
they're going to eat me
like the death i've seen
i hear a scream
OH NO!
they've got another
they're hungrier
they're coming
i can hear they're footsteps in the darkness
the echoes of my mind increase the noise
this damnation of fright

ones in-front of me
i can feel it look
i dare not breathe
i dare not move
it can hear me
it can hear my thoughts
Oh God
Please oh God
don't let it hear me
if i escape this...
i'll never do this again

my foot moved...

my goddamn foot moved

it knows I'm here

maybe it was a rock
maybe i'm being paranoid
no..
no,
it sees me
it can hear my heart beat

i feel it lunge
its tearing me to shreds
i cant escape
damn darkness
i want a light
just a flicker to make them leave

OW!
my ear's gone

bites pricking me in the skin
blood coming out
i feel my death
still no light
damn you others
where are you?
can you hear my screams?

it doesn't matter now
just find a way out of this hellhole

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

  • trace3grls
    August 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    great write well done


  • Blue Rew silver member
    June 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The potential is there for depth and darkness to permeate; but they never really make it through.
    Lines like "OW! my ear's gone" give the piece a humorous quality which was not wanted per the guidelines. Other lines such as "the echoes of my mind increase the noise...this damnation of fright"
    are quite powerful in their imagery. But then the reader loses all atmosphere that has been built by strong lines such as that when they next read:
    "OH NO! they've got another". I think the style chosen distracts from the atmosphere and depth that could have been obtained with just a bit more intensity of vocabulary. Blue


  • BluRosePoet8488
    June 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    As I read through this, I didn't feel the descent into the deep darkness. It felt as if I were skimming the surface and not really delving into the briney deep of the poem. Keep the ink flowing though. This does have potential. Good luck in the contest.
    ~Donna~