Lashes fan
against your cheek.
Even when the moon
is just a sliver
in the night
it still shines.
My breath
on your neck.
Fabric scraps
puzzled together
craft a quilt
to keep you warm
on the coldest of nights.
Your fingers tangled
in my hair.
I don’t need all of you,
The sweetest part of love
is sometimes
the thinnest slice.
Author notes
I think it is a work in progress... suggestions, PLEASE!
Written August 7th, 2003
A contest entry
- No Perfection by xTomorrowx.
500 points, ended June 6, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Hmmmm this is a really well written poem, beautifully crafted... You did a wonderful job writing this...
Thanks for entering and good luck! =) -
what can i say that has not already been said
this is brilliant -
Very well done........... I love the thinnest slice idea with love and the moon.
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Oh wow, this peice was beautiful, I really loved it. I like your style alot.
-Carina- -
i just wriggled out of my jeans, passing by the computer, daydreaming about fvcking my boy and deciding that locking the bedroom door and just getting a few things out of my system after not seeing him for three weeks is perfectly delicious.
we can talk afterward.
anyway, this poem was such gorgeous background music to my less than wholesome thoughts.
sweet dreams, ms. hobart...
ex, oh, etc.
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Erm, I wish I could help you(since you asked for it) but I can tell that you're a far better writer and more advanced than I am at this point in time. Great job on what you have so far, the imagery is really great-which I see seems to be your strong point. thank you for your comment on my poem Keep up the writing (although I'm sure you would have without me saying that...) God Bless
~Kim~ -
Nice job!
This is a beautiful and romantic piece, and I think it is nice the way it is, although you have room to add more if you want, I think. -
oh, this is such a sweet write. but your last stanza stands out. i think it alone says so much and could work all by itself.
illusions
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really nice imagery. the quilt comparison is quite brilliant.
and this is very sensually written. I like this poem a lot!
I don’t need all of you,
The sweetest part of love
is sometimes
the thinnest slice.
my favorite stanza. very powerful ending! -
Danna this is wonderful.. leaves the reader on the edge, just sighing.. at the beauty of love and all that it entails.. Wonderful.. just wonderful...
~GILL~xx -
I think its finished, and I thought it was a very good image/idea.... a slice of love... suggesting love as a small important thing, instead of a huge important thing... which is the mainstream idea.
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Ah, such a brilliant little piece of wisdom you utter in that last line. I loved it. To me, it was love, and it had that kind of understanding. It's not the word I'm looking for. But you love them enough to not need their all, just them as they're willing to give. Or that's what I read into it.
Brilliant write! -
wonderful romantic stuff
Beautiful and sounds familiar? was it in the feature box? If so, I am so sorry I didn't choose a different one. I enjoyed very visual image left to the readers mind. Well, worth a 2nd. read, just the same. Since you think, poetry doesn't come easy to you, you sure make it look easy! As we age, that slice of LOVE is way more important than the 4th. of July in the honeymoon period. That is just a 31 yr. plus relationship and marriage exercising it's little wisdom gathered along the way. Never change your style to much! Always a wonderful surprose to read your work.
God Bless You and family
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Beautiful, deep, and a very very insightful message and theme here.
That a slice of love is enough. You present the argument in a very poetic way, that a slice of love can be eternal. That a slice of TRUE LOVE is more powerful than any fake love or unrequitted love.
beautiful
~ lewis
ps please check out my "mist arisen" -
The sweetest part of love
is sometimes
the thinnest slice.
~*~
That was just beautiful.. So beautiful.. No words can really describe how special and great this piece is to me.. No wonder you have so many trophies. You're AMAZING!
Amanda -
very nice. i often include the moon in my ideas, you did a great job with this one.
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Danna
This is stunningly beautiful !!!!!!!
I don't think this need any work at all, hun, it's perfect just the way it is
So many fascinating images your words captured in this short, but endearing piece, cherished images that we all take for granted; I simply adored this
You're such an amazing poetess
Karen/
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i agree the closing is quite enticing, but it does leave room for more...perhaps continue describing the encounter, as in, 'lashes fan against your cheek', 'my breath on your neck', 'your fingers tangled in my hair', but then this might take a sort of erotic twist...go there if you please...just my thoughts on how you could elaborate...great descriptive ability
peace
chris -
No suggestions
I don't think I have any suggestions, it's really good in this way, I had really liked this piece so much, especially the last part, which I can call it the wise part, great job as always. -
reminds me of how transparent we all can be in love...
thin slivers slices of sensuality here
adored it...
its what isnt said that is having the most impact with me -
I like this very much just for what it is. It is simply stated but packed with emotion. I like the back and forth between moments and thoughts. My only suggestion would be to put the word slivers in earlier also so that it ties to the ending which is really terrific.
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More velvet...
love the simplicity of it...
dynamite ending...
pure poetry.
No need to revise this. -
The last stanza just slapped me in the face. EXCELLENT!!!! And so VERY true! I really liked this! ~~~Val
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I like it just the way it is Danna. I cannot see any way to improve it. Sometimes less is more. This is beautifully succinct.
The message comes through loud and clear. God I love that closing!
Red -
the pictures in my eyes are painted with soft, placid colors. the words if sung would put me to sleep...very glad u posted
~shay
Edited on Aug 08, 11:30 p.m. because ''. -
The sweetest part of love//
is sometimes //
the thinnest slice. // YOU BET...!!! great write..continue.... -
Wow. This poem is beautiful in every aspect.
It really touched me, and is making me miss my boyfriend even more. Amazing write! -
Sometimes I do not want reason to intrude on my poetic experience. This poem is one of those moments.
I simply love it.
Thanks, Danna.
Myra -
fantastic
Very beautiful poem. Love the little bits that we call tender in
comparison to the larger, more readily visible items.
Even when the moon
is the slimmest of slivers
in the night sky
it still shines
You are a true artist.
It will be my pleasure to promote this poem.
John -
Beautiful, just beautiful. Many love poems tend to be somewhat, well, unromantic and even trashy. But you have created a wonderous love poem here. It says just enough, not so little as to be lost but not so much as to be boring. Perhaps it could use a little rewriting, if you truly feel it needs it. It is your poem and you should do with it as you wish. But I feel it is just fine the way it is.
PV -
I like this one – ‘puzzled together’ is great! For my taste I would like the lines a little longer… to evoke some euphony – ‘the slimmest of silver slivers’ for instance – but that is just my taste so… I think the piece works well but as you say could also be expanded – knowing you it will get a few re-writes whether it wants them or not lol. Good work either way!
-
Sighs Danna no suggestions at all please don't mess with this poem I simply love it~~ it reminded me of a relationship but for some reason I can not remember which one {is that strange?} and this made me sad for some reason
And what do you mean you never have good endings?? I loved this ending~~ such longing yet acceptance in those words
This is gorgeous Danna
~~Dawn
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That was very beautiful. It was so...moving. I really liked it. You did a wonderful job.
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I love the imagery as well but it makes me crave non mentionables *L* ooops I said that too loud. Great write!
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so sweet!!!
oh, i am so in love with your use of imagery here!!! for some reason it makes me crave a light and airy slice of lime cake...mmm..good, like your poem.... -
*smiles*
ahhhh...
in that touch of romance...
where a breeze touches lightly within one's heart!
I did enjoy!
Keep penning on!
Bill -
good.
I dont think you need to change anything it's beautifully poetic. Maybe the best thing about it is that it's simple to read and yet at the same time paints a wonderful picture. -
Interesting poem. Like the quilt-moon thing.
-
excellent romantic write
Danna what wonderful weaving of moments in romantic situations. Whether you add to this or not, in my opinion this part is a whole complete piece. This piece has the visual images I look for the ability to stand on it's own. What a beautiful canvas painted here for the impossible romantic that I am. Terrific job! I wouldn't change a think! God Bless YOu and thanks 4 popping in on my work. keeping friend!
-
Lovely. Intimate but it leaves a enough for the reader to color. This piece certainly leaves me envious of your talent.
As per your invite/comment: If I may venture a bold idea: "fan" seems somewhat out of place because everything else seems to evoke security and warmth. another verb to describe perhaps? Or am I totally on the wrong track? -
I like the ebb and flow structure of this poem. It gives your sentiment an added sensual tangiblity.
Paul Baran -
Tried to comment on this and got booted off the site..sorry..
Thought this was beautiful...paints such a perfect picture
of love in its purest form...being close to someone
physically and emotionally , knowing they are there...
Don't think you could add much more to it Danna...you
have said it all , very eloqently...
Enjoyed. It brought a smile , I can relate.........:)
~ sonia ~ -
The last for lines made the QUILT for this poem
Reenie
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Simply superb Danna
Just loved the imagery in it
As always thanks for your continued support on my poems
Glad to see you and back and writing I missed ya
Luv ya gal
Susan~~~~
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This is a nice poem , I like the way you worded things so well. Awesome job.
-Carina- -
great
this is truly a good poem the way you compare love to the moon and to a quilt was very smooth -
"thinnnest slice" awesome, very yummy. I like the way you fooled around with the formatting. Hey could you send this one to me? I want to look over it more carefully
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