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Spaces and Other Places

I have seen the pain and sorrow in one life
To last a whole lot more
And the visions seen inside my head
Lay strewn outside my door
There are too many things upset the balance
And leave their mark on me
And the truth is often hidden deep
Too deep for me to see

I have felt the world closing in on me
Filling up the darkest place
And the way we shout out all our sins
That are screamed into my face
Well it's enough for me to run and hide
There's too much angst hanging around
And if we tried to tally up the score
There'd be more bodies to be found

I've felt the past closing in on me
And it's driving me apart
For all the reasons I can't explain
It leaves me in the dark
And yet we still stumble through this maze
Getting more twisted up inside
As we make excuses for ourselves
Going slowly out of our minds

        [MIDDLE 8]

Now the dream is over for this time
And for now I'll say goodnight
Don't be tempted to take one more look
It will jam you up so tight
There are days and there are days
When the music just won't start
And it's in those moments of deep despair
When I feel so far apart

Take this time for self reflection
To make some progress here
If the words won't come on to the page
They never ever will appear
I've seen too much to take much notice
So I'll ignore it this time around
And sit this dance out and watch awhile
As the rest go 'round and 'round...


Author notes

this is in part, who I am; because -- there are days and there are days...

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 37 of 37

  • English.Muffin silver member
    November 17
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    Edit | Reply
    wow i loved this. The whole rhyming structure, the poem, the techniques, the lay out, the problems you addressed were really thought provoking.
    Thank you for your entry


  • DontObjectifyMe
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    This poem blew me away, the emotion was so clear and you revealed alot about yourself on this page. The rhyme fitted in nicely and the whole piece flowed well.
    These lines really stuck with me:
    "I have seen the pain and sorrow in one life
    To last a whole lot more
    And the visions seen inside my head
    Lay strewn outside my door
    There are too many things upset the balance
    And leave their mark on me
    And the truth is often hidden deep
    Too deep for me to see"

    Because they are so real and honest and depict a very poweful feeling often hard to put into words.
    Great write and Good luck (i would do the bigger grin but the teeth creep me out lol)
    xoxoxoxx


  • rainboots
    September 15
    Edit | Reply
    Really showed the reader who you were. Well done and thanks for entering.


  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    And the way we shout out all our sins
    That are screamed into my face

    Those lines really struck me. Sometimes either you just want people to pay attention to you, or you just need people to know.

    I really liked this poem, some lines were a little weak, but the majority of this poem was great. Thanks for entering.


  • Carly Pop gold member
    September 1
    Edit | Reply
    thank u for your great entry

  • justafeller
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good write. Its one of the few that I can actually read and enjoy. I like the rhyme and structure. The message is one that I think we should all pay attention to as well. We need to not let our past overwhelm us and stop us from making progress, and sometimes that involves just taking some time out from life in general in order to make sense of things. well done.


  • Silences Voice
    June 29

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for the entry

    This is a very nice poem. It flows beautifully. The structure, the message, the entire poem as a whole is a wonderful piece of poetry. Very nicely done.


  • Isolatedsouls17
    June 3
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    very inspirational to me..i liked it very much...thanks for entering..and good luck


  • Walking Oxymoron gold member
    February 22

    Edit | Reply
    I'm loving the rhythm in this.,.. and I';d love to hear a melody...

    Maybe not your intentions, but I can hear a linkin parkness to this...

    There are some really good lines too...

    And it's driving me apart
    For all the reasons I can't explain
    As we make excuses for ourselves
    Going slowly out of our minds
    There are days and there are days
    Take this time for self reflection
    If the words won't come on to the page
    They never ever will appear

    Excelletn work


  • meoncloud9
    February 21

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful.

    It's a touching write. You are truly a poet I must say..
    'If the words won't come on to the page
    They never ever will appear' and the last four lines inspire me a lot..
    Great write.. Good luck in the contest..


  • Ronda loves elvis
    February 10
    Edit | Reply

    strong write

    i really like this and i'll keep you up to date on its progress. thank you for entering my contest

  • Hidden Depths
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Overall I think you have a pretty good write here. I particularly enjoyed your last stanza....a lot! There are a few lines that seemed a bit awkwardly worded to me. For example, lines 2 & 3 of your 3rd stanza. The syllable count and flow are mostly on, but could be touched up here and there if you have the time to print it out and check for areas where it's off. There were a few places where it seemed that you'd inserted "filler" to keep the flow going. Your poem is good as it stands. I think it would be a great poem with a little work...just a little. I would even it out a bit as far as meter and replace some of those "and, for, all, yet, the" type words with descriptive words. However, this is just my constructive criticism for you consider or disregard it at your will. Thanks for your entry!


  • Brit-Girl
    July 25, 2008

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    hmm, I'm feeling a bit cliche out of this one, it is a fine write I just don't feel life in it,
    thank you for your entry


  • birdlove
    June 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ouch - this one really hits home. Everything you've said is so familiar...very eerie in its beauty, actually. But I love it. The title reminds me of an Explosions in the Sky song title. Don't know if you've heard of them, but I like the little unintentional reminder. Good job!


  • elmundopasa1
    May 11, 2008

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    wow very strong. so powerful and filled with emotion. well penned as well. great job and thanks for entering


  • Lucky-Charm
    April 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very touching poem!! Another way of finding who one really is...I like how you expressed yourself here.Great job!! Thanks and goodluck.


  • Nikki Rowles
    March 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Your score


    • Nikki Rowles
      March 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      oops hit the wrong button

      Title: 8
      Wow: 7
      Flow: 5
      Read: 5
      Total: 25


  • Pretty Britty
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A very good poem, indeed. Nice write!


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    January 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really great poem, insightful. Congrats on your past wins with it, it is deserving. Thank you for sharing and for entering the contest. Good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • N e a r
    January 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

    I love how creative your beginning it. The first line sounds cliche, but when you start writing and getting deeper into what you're saying, it unfolds into a crafy and expressive piece. Your rhyming is pretty good, too.

    Whoa, what a line! I'm talking about "and the way we shout out all our sins". That is absolutely magnificent... Powerful.

    "There are days and there are days" - is one supposed to be nights? If not, I think it would fit better if you not repeat the same thing twice. :/ This poem is just so lovely, and I think this throws it off balance.

    I really enjoyed this write, so much I will bookmark it. Usually, I don't like poems that are a reflection of one's self entirely, but this is amazing. Superb. Thank you for sharing, and best of luck in the contest.

  • trace3grls
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is a great write well done it is so sad at times


  • Ambarrr
    January 3, 2008

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    And the way we shout out all our sins
    That are screamed into my face

    Those lines made me think.
    When I read a piece, and something makes me stop and think.. it's always a good thing.
    Amazing write.
    Very talented.


  • Nivedita
    November 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    When the music just won't start
    And it's in those moments of deep despair
    When I feel so far apart


    I really like these lines. A poem with great depth and flow. THis poem has great style and the rhyming is very natural. It does not appear at all forced. So, great poem.


  • Artistic-Soul
    October 5, 2007

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    you entered into alot of contests with this one
    not a bad idea this is really good and the message reads loud and clear


  • Blondita
    September 28, 2007
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    Thanks for taking the time to enter :-)

  • californiagirl
    September 19, 2007

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    You are very clear in your feelings which is nice to see. I don't have to guess to try and figure out what you're saying. Thanks for your entry!


  • crystallynnbradford
    September 7, 2007
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    I really like the flow that this piece has going for it and the emotion


  • aslanlight
    August 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Whoa profound. Your aptitude for explanation is extremely good. You leave me in no doubt of your feelings and emotions.

    Peace Georgia


  • silverscent gold member
    August 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering.


  • vici377
    July 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    very good

    Thank you for entering.. I am sure you have seen alot if your life.. and thanx for letting me glimpse that.. this is very powerful..many poets tend to think that rhyming sort of limits you.. I do not... I love the rhyme and you shine in this one...

  • KP 2 Reborn
    July 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "I have felt the world closing on in me", I think that maybe this is supposed to be 'closing in on me?' I liked these lines:

    And yet we still stumble through this maze
    Getting more twisted up inside
    As we make excuses for ourselves
    Going slowly out of our minds

    The flow of this is nice, but it rhymes in a way I have seen before. Also, it doesn't really capture what I wanted for this option. If you could put what I asked for in the author box as well please, thank you. I liked this very much as a song, perhaps the rhyming would fit there. Thanks for entering,
    KP


  • Debbie Hansman
    July 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very impressive write. I was very much caught up in it. I've felt what you descibed in this myself from time to time.

    Great work!

    Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

    debbie


  • KittieLyyn
    July 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is good.. but i dont see how it is being full of yourself..but very very good. thanx so much for entering. good luck.

  • MadeleineElysse
    June 14, 2007

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    this is a bit long, but its good so im going to overlook it. in the rules it says no more than 30 lines.
    i like the flow and rhythm of the rhyming in this poem, it makes it very easy to read.

    "And yet we still stumble through this maze
    Getting more twisted up inside
    As we make excuses for ourselves
    Going slowly out of our minds"
    i really really like this part of the piece.

    you're definitely a GREAT writer, i really love this poem. keep it up
    good luck in my contest!

    Muffin Girl


  • Transcend All
    June 8, 2007

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    Transcend All

    I can explain a million reasons this verse scream to me, but at last I have not enough room.

    I've felt the past closing in on me
    And it's driving me apart
    For all the reasons I can't explain
    It leaves me in the dark.

    After that I leave saying only Groovy Writing! Really! Thanks for sharing!

    Namaste'

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    June 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is an amazing write.Thank you for sharing it with me and thank you for adding it to the contest the best of luck to you

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