on the horizon
across the sea,
a million futures
call to me.
some i've throttled,
some i've been.
yet love and joy,
i've never seen.
alone, afraid,
to weak to err.
yet all alone,
and finding there
that i was he
who caused the pain,
inside my lonely,
fractured brain.
again the future,
'cross the sea,
holds life and promise,
there for me,
but only if i face inside,
and also out, relinquish pride,
come to the point
where i'm the man,
who knows his past
and understands,
the past is dead,
and can only give,
remembered pain
to help you live.
and as i stare
at the open sea,
and search for love,
inside of me,
i know that i
will find once more,
my love and life
on a distant shore.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
I really love the message of understanding and learning and hope that comes from this. Great flow!
♥
whisper
-
Excellent, as usual
I expect you already know these alternatives, the results of making the choice of eliminating the words here in parenthesis:
the past is dead,
(and) can only give,
remembered pain
to help you live.
and as i stare
at (the) open sea,
and search for love,
inside of me,
i know that i
will find once more,
my love and life
on (a) distant shore.
To get the meter consistent. I can see doing it in these first two verses, but not the last one. The meaning and feel can often be hurt by trying to be consistent with the rhythm. I think the meaning is more important, myself, than technical precision.
-------------
-
Hi, Take care of yourself what would we do without you,lol,Di
-
Hi, this is a gentle side of you that I like very much, I will always be your friend, through the rough and the smooth, sweet write and thank you, a big hug Di
-
-
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - OCE
-
-
Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have written here.
The images were very simple and straight forward but I think that went well with the tone your whole poem had. I think that you expressed your need to search within yourself and be a better person very well. It's a hard thing to do but I think that it's worth it.
-
-
Thank you for your response to my poem for Di. She's a great girl, and I'm glad I've gotten to know her - even in the limited way I have. You're right about introspection is important. But you can't obsess over it! Again, thanks! - oce
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
