Cold granite
brick walls
separating love
Hearts frantically search
feet grace the tile floor
desperate for affection
Blood runs similar
location is separate
a different dark hallway
Hearts scramble
to find each other
escaping loneliness
The rare door offers a passage
through the cold stone
connecting our warm hearts
Author notes
I think every teenager has issues communicating with the rest of their family....here's what I have to say about it
A contest entry
- ALLPOETRY New Members Contest June 2007 by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended July 6, 2007, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hide Under a Mask, Or Give Advice?(prewrites allowed, duh) by SoftlyScreaming.
525 points, ended August 21, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best by xorandomxo.
600 points, ended March 29, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - III by N e a r.
4000 points, ended February 16, 2008, 121 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wow... this is impressive. You definitely know what you are talking about. It is pretty hard as a teenager to connect and conversate with the family... And the way you wrote this to describe that feeling is phenominal. Desperate hearts searching... This write is frantic, but in a good way. Definitely something I can relate to.
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Thanks for entering my Valentine's Day contest, and good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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wow this was very good.
loved how you described.
thanks for entering.
good luck -
welcome to allpoetry
I think you expressed yourself very well here.. and yes it is something many teenagers can or have been able to relate to. Very well put together. Thank you for sharing your words and thoughts with us all.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
~Kristy -
Welcome to AP
Well done and very creative! I liked this one...a lot
Thank you for sharing and for being a part of the contest! I wish you the best -
WELCOME TO ALLPOETRY!
I loved the metaphors here. I do think that most teenagers go through a version of these feelings, but that dosent make them any less real. Thanks for the entry.
Despair
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Welcome to Allpoetry
A different write for the contest. But good too.. it seems to fit
Thanks for sharing it with us. Do continue writing more and thanks for taking part in the contest.. Good luck.
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Intuitive.........Excellent
Hello there!!
I love the symbolism,...the metaphors that cross over
to realism. Hallways do indeed indicate 'containment' and help us see its intimacies and directions.
The content is extremely accurate and layout
complimentary to the poem regarding many families, whether favorable or dysfunctional..which includes most of us..
Some, little, others naught.
I commend your piece for its careful wording. Each one affords the intention of its motive. I applaud economizing, and you've done it in this one.
"Hearts frantically search
Feet grace the tile floor
Desperate for affection"<------ beautiful and sobering descriptive of the symbolic and concrete illustration from which it comes ..and to where it goes. I love ....love this. My favorite part .Excellent.
I've only a few suggestion so far.
Try capitalizing in the first line of
each stanza, but not the other two to each.
The subtlety will make the difference in intensity.
Also, the last stanza needs a striking summation with singular tones.
Read and consider on another day. Something like this, perhaps:
"The rare door offers a passage
through cold stone
connecting warm hearts."
A unique and transcending piece that separates it
from the masses. Thank you! I wish you the best.
Warmly, CookieZeal/DB
As we tell all our members who enter, please let us know if/when you edit so that
we can give you the best consideration.
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Thank you for your compliments and also your suggestions. It will help me out as I try to continue to write
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Thank you for deciding to edit. It has now gone from great to........................STUNNING!
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