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She

Missing image

She has lost her way, she is so confused

 

Life laughs in her face, she is not amused

 

Everyday she is hurting, every night she is crying

 

As moments pass a part of her is dying

 

Her emotions run rapid, her pain descends deep

 

Her heart is bleeding, it begins to seep

 

People start to notice, some might even know

 

That inside she is screaming for someone to love her so

 

This story is personal, I know it too well

 

For this is my life of which I tell

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 53 of 53

  • mgmc gold member
    September 10

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    This is a very sad poem and also very well written. I think a lot of people would relate to it. I know I would. Congratulations on being able to express these feelings so well.
    Many prizes very well deserved!


  • Diminished Capacity gold member
    September 5

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    This is so very sad, and I know all to well what this feels like. Always wanting to find someone to love you, but you always come up with pain and heartache. Wonderful write, you did a great job.

  • izzy1804
    September 1
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    WOW! Very emotional and poignant. Good job & good luck.


  • AbidoodleCullen
    August 31
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    Lovely write.
    Thanks for entering and good luck!
    Abi


  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    August 30
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    Another one please? If you can.

  • division
    August 19

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    ...yes. congratulations, you're a finalist! i enjoy reading your rhyme; while rhyme isn't really my thing, i like how you use rhyme for personal experiences. thank you for sharing

  • DancingStar
    August 19

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    This is an amazing poem, I think the rhyme is amazing. You entered my contest and rocked it and now you and I can hopefully rock this contest together! Awesome work


  • starving4perfection
    August 17

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    aww wow...i dont know what to say its so sad..
    'Everyday she is hurting, every night she is crying
    As moments pass a part of her is dying'
    i can understand you perfectly...people never bother to look deep enough to know if anythings wrong...
    thank you for the entry and good luck!


  • stargardt13
    August 12

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    I like the creativity of this. It was a very sad story. but you told it very creativiely. i really like it thanks for entering my contest.


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    August 3
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    Nice. You told a story and kept the reader's interest. Congrats on gold!


  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    August 2
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    Oh wow! Congrats on gold! And silver!!


  • borrowing.moonlight gold member
    July 30

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    wow very nice.... i like how you spaced out the lines it made it easier to read.... and your words were very powerful and the picture went great with it! great write.. thanks for the entry


  • tearrsofthemoon
    July 24

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    This is really well written, I love how well it flows together, I can feel your pain and emotion. I like it. I really like the rhyme especially, and how you ended the piece, how it was your story you are telling. Nice. Thank you for sharing and cood luck in my contest ,and everyone else's as well.


  • WuzGood
    July 16
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    Yes good luck


  • WideEyedSuicide
    July 14
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    I like this, good entry, very dark and emotional.


  • dutch2lips gold member
    July 11

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    this kind of poetry attracts me the most, i can feel the emotions through the words, the flow of the write and the rhyme all seems to work well, thank you for entering


  • jessifer1792
    July 10

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    great rhyme and the flow is good. you could fix it up a little bit at the end... add a word somewhere. I'm glad you were able to write this one out... well done. finalist.


  • Antebellum
    July 10
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    wow this is amazing. I really like the rhyming here.
    good luck in your contests :]

  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    July 10
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    WOAH. this was really good! I loved it! IT was just...WOW! it left me speechless, which is a hard thing to do. keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!


  • forbidden-colour
    July 8

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    Short, sweet and to the point.
    Thank you for entering and the best of luck goes to you!
    Sophie

  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    July 3

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    WOW. i can relate to this so well, given this is EXACTLY how i feel. it was really sad yes, but it was so good all the same! keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!

  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Aw, that's really sad. I think we all feel that way sometimes.

    It's hard when nobody knows that you're hurting but you still are.

    I can relate to the lines

    "People start to notice, some might even know
    That inside she is screaming for someone to love her so"

    Nice job. I liked it.


  • VidaBella17
    June 29

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    Wow. Wow is really the only way to describe it. Its so simple but at the end, it makes your heart ache. Great, awesome job!


  • pain is love.
    June 21
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    I love this poem. The emotions are so so strong. I like the rhyme too. It called to me. Well done. I can't diside if I like the last line or not. I think I do even if it is a little cliche. Maybe you could make it more sutle. I don't know it is really good how it is.

    Congradulations your a finalist. Thank you for this amazing entry!


  • Mozaic
    November 15, 2008

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    Oh...

    ...my...totally gripping and had me on edge immersed in each line. I guess I am drawn to this dark piece because I can relate in some form...or at least have certain days where I throw my hands up in complete and total surrender! I love how raw this piece felt...good job!


  • silverscent gold member
    November 11, 2008

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    I did really like this...until the last line.

    I'm critical of rhyme over anything else, but I really thought this was fluent and not at all forced, so well done!!

    I was enjoying the emotion and sincere depth you put into the words, like I said, until I came to the final line.

    The twist of "she" is "me" and “oh I've been writing in third person when I'm actually referring to myself - haven't I been secretive...” was good the first time I read it several years back, but now unfortunately it's become somewhat of a cliche, and one that has swallowed up whole what could have been (in my opinion) a fantastic write.

    Sorry to sound so harsh, I don't mean to sound rude, honestly. It's just I’m really frustrated that a good poem like this one may have arguably been ruined my some simple cliche at the end.

    If you were ever to consider revising this, I'd love to read it again.

    Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.

    • silverscent gold member
      November 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You don't have to change it, it's just one persons opinion.
      However if you still want to have a go at revising this, it would only be the two last lines.
      I don't like rewriting poems for people, but I guess you could just make the relation between "she" and "me" more subtle. Along the lines of the more you write about "she" the more she reflects "me" or just something that relates both "she" and "me" more subtly.

      Like I said you don't feel obliged to revise it, many other people loved it the way it is.


    • Dreamer With Dreams silver member
      November 11, 2008
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      What could I do to change it? When I was writing this, I struggled a lot with that last line.

  • ecrivain01
    October 16, 2008
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    Congrats on the trophies ...

    thanks for entering.


  • DAMSELx
    January 23, 2008

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    BRONZE WINNER!

    Congratulations on winning BRONZE! This poem had so much depth to it and it really just hit home for me. Thank you for entering!


    • Dreamer With Dreams silver member
      January 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for giving my poem a chance!
      This one is really personal and means a lot to me.

  • DAMSELx
    January 21, 2008
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    I love this poem. I can relate to it in so many ways. And your ending just did it for me. Great job and good luck!!!


  • Hope Angel silver member
    December 17, 2007
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    That was good and emotional. Good luck!


  • Maybe Anastasia
    December 7, 2007
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    What was you're inspiration for my contest?


  • AshliiAsphyxiation
    August 6, 2007
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    hmm.. good luck


  • hilly
    July 31, 2007

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    Congratulations on honorable mention in the other contest. But couplets just don't do it for me. Maybe you should try exploring your creativity more and trying out different forms, like free verse. I do have one suggestion, on the last line, maybe you should change "about" to 'of.' It just seems like a long line, I'd shorten it up a bit.

    Unfortunately, this isn't what I'm looking for in my contest. So I'll have to remove it. But good luck with your writing.

  • LeonXwabbist
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    This poem is so amazing! Sadly, I can really relate to it. Thank you so much for entering it in this contest. I really enjoyed it.

  • LordSam
    June 30, 2007
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    wow, nice one, reaaaaaly nice. i loved the last sentence as i wasn't expecting it.


  • sustaind
    June 29, 2007

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    awesome!...very nice,and can relate 100%,though im a guy,its so hard being young because the emotions you feel become all that matters,and if you never change then all through life it only gets more complicated,great write

  • Liquid memories
    June 27, 2007

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    well it came through loud and clear, but you do have choices and can leave that place that makes you unhappy.


  • Decorus Somnium
    June 12, 2007

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    I'm sorry you feel that way...this is such a deep poem. Short but very emotional. I love it and I hope you feel better.
    Keep writing and God Bless


  • Dlvvanzor
    June 11, 2007

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    That was lovely, and very sad. The last two lines especially are very well written. Great poem!

    Good luck in the contest,
    -Dlvvanzor

  • luvdrkchocolate
    June 10, 2007

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    Oh. This is the second poem that I have read in a row that seems so very sad to me. It's hard when you read poems like this because you feel so bad for the person that wrote it because you know that they are hurting. All I know to tell you is to hold on and try to smile because you never know who may see that smile and fall in love with it. I hope that you feel better after having wrote this and I thought that you did a good job of expressing yourself.

  • darrylblacksr
    June 7, 2007

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    I can really relate to this poem. For me I am the male version of she. I hope that you will feel better real soon... Thanks for sharing it with me...


  • Freestyle Bushido
    June 7, 2007

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    WOW! When i was reading this I kept replacing she with "he" because this is how I feel all the time. Down to the very last word. This is some pretty powerful work you penned really got me thinking and fimilarizing myself with the artist behind this work. I do believe people like us will find our way and have complete understanding one day, because were gifted like that. We are a rare breed of people y'know who has to suffer for what will be blessed with in future. It probably dosen't make too much sense to you now but one day it will crystal clear.

    Much Love!

    S-A


  • spiffeh
    June 7, 2007

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    wow. nobody deserves to feel like this. this poem makes me feel frusturated and sad. it is such an emotional write! the ryhming makes it flow. good job!


  • BornWithin
    June 6, 2007

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    I understand your pain. There are probably lots of 'she's around, who feel the same way as you. I bet that there are other things about 'her' that this write doesn't touch upon. The fact that 'she' is passionate and sensitive. 'She' is also very tender hearted and concerned about life. I also sense that 'she' has a delightful sense of humour, once you get her laughing. 'She' also wants to live life to the fullest and that would make 'her' very robust. 'She' has the strength to get out of her sadness and find joy again. Am I wrong? I don't think so...I'm going to applaud you, my dear child, not for being 'sad' but for being the loving person I know you really are.


  • ellaelu
    June 6, 2007

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    Sad and Beautiful

    I really could identify with your poem. I feel like that myself.. wanting love. Feeling unworthy. Reaching for something, anything.. thank you for sharing.

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