Good evening pen, it’s been a while
Here’s my excuse for narrow-minded betrayal
Oh, he was so joyful in this land
Of bright, rich colours so thick and so full
Reds and blues dancing in his eyes
A portrait of perfection
The tunes of love rebounding off valleys
An opera with no twisted sadness
In an un-stained love with an angel of the highest
The music echoed and the colours swayed to the beat
However the land held a secret, which it would not tell
A clear misunderstanding by the man in the box
Mislead by the white crow into a land of fantasy
Oh, unwittingly guided to fiction in this library of life
But how he thought it was true, an intoxicating truth.
Soon clouds soared over head, their blacks and their grays
The horizon held a rumble of pain
Thunder getting closer, the naked eye could see
That this mans love was not perfect at all
But he was blinded and still he danced
In his portrait of perfection
In his un-cliché opera
As the thunder got closer the man was endangered
Although he held no sniff
In his trance of happiness, he was part of a crumbling world
Thunder overhead and truth was close
Soon, oh soon he would know.
A clap of thunder, so close but seemingly so far
Shook the earth so violently, so deadly
The man awoke with an abrupt jolt,
Into a new world that he did not know.
The loud blasts had replaced his opera
The rain was washing away the colours,
Into a dark sickening swirl of confusion.
The man asked why, but he already knew
His angel had called the storm
To wake him up from this blissful land
To soil herself of the colours he loved
And the tunes he sung
The man tried to cope in this world of mediocrity
His organs splitting in the dimensional shift
It was oh, so painful and success was failure
And he cursed the angel with his foul tongue
For taking away his world of bliss
His portrait of perfection, the reds and blues
His un-cliché opera, echoing the tunes
This angel had stabbed him the chest
His heart now bleeding and pain in control
On a death-bed, forgiveness came
The angel pardoned for her bad deeds
Living on, life returned,
Much less than before
Without a box over his eyes
The dove led him into a new world,
A world of reality.
Where happiness was combated
Where love was stained
Where his angel resided
And where he would grow again…
Author notes
I think this poem is very relevant to your contest, I wrote it at a time when I was suffering some serious doubt over my self worth.
I won't explain the rest because the story is here for you to read and interpret.
Let me know what you think and good luck judging.
A contest entry
- Love by butterflytears.
450 points, ended June 20, 2007, 28 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let it Be by Rain-Shot-Rose.
450 points, ended September 12, 2007, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - INSPIRE ME TO WRITE AGAIN by forever dreaming.
1500 points, ended October 4, 2007, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Conflict With Your Inner Self by hand-in-hand.
450 points, ended May 21, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Great write! Thank you for entering and good luck.
Leslie
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A well crafted piece of poetry and although a tad over my specified line length that is fine for I feel that cutting it down would take away from the overall effect. Well done and thanks for entering.
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Incredible...
Absolutely incredible. Speechless. No wonder you won that contest and not me, lol! You're very talented! Keep writing!
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Thank you
Appreciate the sportsmanship!
Keep writting!
Trento
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Wow..this was really incredible. I loved the imagery and how I could FEEL it. You did exactly what I asked for.
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very nice writing. great metaphor
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This is such a lovely write. The imagery and underlying meanings were simply beautifully portrayed. I loved the lines "Soon clouds soared over head, their blacks and their grays
The horizon held a rumble of pain
Thunder getting closer, the naked eye could see
That this mans love was not perfect at all
But he was blinded and still he danced
In his portrait of perfection
In his un-cliché opera" That really stands out in your poem. Wonderful write! Best of luck in my contest, and thanks for entering
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Well deseved i say!
Great imagery and metaphor.
i really enjoyed this great write.
Thanks for sharing.
Dolores x
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Deep..And he cursed the angel with his foul tongue
For taking away his world of bliss
His portrait of perfection, the reds and blues
His un-cliché opera, echoing the tunes..I feel this line captures the mood. Awesome write. Good luck in the contest.
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Great Poem
Congratulations on winning the Silver. You are right, this was quite different then most love poems. Excellent write. Great imagery and content. You take care, Sandy
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"In his portrait of perfection
In his un-cliché opera"
Brilliant.
"Soon, oh soon he would know."
This bothered me.
Personal Preferences I suppose.
Also a few times it seemed as if you repeated words.
Try to eliminate repetition even with small things such as And or To or something.
But overall this was stunning.
Wonderful job.
I enjoyed reading it and it had such a strong meaning.
Great job -
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Thanks!
Thanks heaps!
I really apprecaite the critisism, makes a person a much stronger writter.
A few of the words I repeated were a technique I was trialing, but it didn't come out too great. However, I do tend to repeat words sometimes, something I need to work on!
Thanks again!
Trent
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Great,
I'm glad you didn't find that offensive.
Sometimes people get really upset when I try to help.
Hah.
But really,
This was a great poem.
Very skillfull <3
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this was an amazing piece. i was expecting the same old love poems and you gave me something new. great job with making me think, i love pieces that make me think. keep up the amazing work and good luck in the contest.
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