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Dissonance

I watch
you unravel
serenity most sweet
into loathsome cacophony,
a twisted tapestry of your vengeance
unleashed on me against my will.
You are deaf to my pleas,
so helplessly,
I watch.

Perhaps
the dissonance
itself will unravel
and sweet serenity return,
your chaotic tapestry cast aside,
if you will but open your ears
to my voice and preserve
our sweet music...
perhaps.

Author notes

My first attempt at a rictameter

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • Seeking Peace silver member
    August 21, 2007

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    Fabulous, this is just the sort of ting one looks for in a contest such as this, so well done, well done on your very first attempt. I hope to see plenty more

    Thank you for taking the time to enter this contest, I wish you the best of luck

    Karen


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    August 11, 2007

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    Little glimmer of hope at the end, very nice! Awesome double rictameter. Best of luck in the contest.

    ♥
    whisper


  • sunny day
    June 6, 2007

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    Bravo!!! Bravo!!! Bravo!!!

    Carrie, You go girlfriend, what an awesome double rictameter you have penned here. For your first time writing one it is obvious that you have taken quite a liking to form poetry. Although this is sad it holds the hope that always brings something good. Your flow was effortless which was created by your elegant use of verbiage here. The imagery was remarkable and I give this not only two thumbs up, it also gets 5 stars. I wish you all the best in the contest and in life. You are not only a quality writer, you seem to me to be a quality person also. Love and God bless you my friend, Joyce


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    June 5, 2007

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    This is a lovely richameter with a sad, but hopeful message. I would like to suggest that you change "himself" to "itself" in the second chain unless you wish to personify dissonance. The two chains complement each other and provide a total picture of the hurt and longing. Thank you for entering this contest. I will add this poem to the finalist list, but you are free to enter another poem if you choose. Peace, Liz


  • Abstract Muse
    June 5, 2007

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    I have not tried a rictameter yet, it is beyond my talent so far, but this sounds good to me.

    I like that the first is a plea for understanding unseen, and the second is a hope that it may come to pass.
    And the title is a fitting description of the conflict between the two. Nice flow throughout, and I love the final line/word. It is a final question mark on if it can truly happen.

    Nicely written. Good luck in the contest.

    ~Greg~

1 - 5 of 5