Eternal breath
Is my last hope
So close to death
So hard to cope
Slipping away
Cease to exist
On this cold day
I can't resist
As life flies past
My eyes so quick
It ends so fast
Like a cruel trick
So as I die
Gently embrace
Me as I lie
I leave without trace
Author notes
This is another perspective on a poem i wrote a few days ago, feel free to read:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/3034838
Luciferschild
The theme isn't exactly death, it's more the meaninglessness of life to me right now
A contest entry
- Truth Of Life contest Round TWO (invite only) by xandercheerios.
800 points, ended July 15, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I liked this one. The way that you described the end of your life....well, its how I imagined it anyway. But what I like most about this piece is that the rhyme isnt forced and it goes well with the flow of the poem. Plus, each stanza is short, quick and it seems quite fitting when talking about death (if that made any sense at all).
Thanks for sharing this piece of work!
S -
the title itself says it all and the beautiful inspiring words win my admiration to this one.
i love the flow and imagery behind this.. its magnificently written with deep view. Inshort i admire this piece of work, cos its a great one.. ..u did it amazingly, great job!!
I look forward to read more of your work and do take a look at mine too, u might like it..
Thanks, love,
Mansoor
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The last line sticks out to me, I don't think you need the I there, it throws it off. Everything before that was okay. It was simple and it flowed pretty well. A lot of people go through times where they believe their life and life in general is meaningless. I went trhough that. It was hard. Hopefully it will be the hardest phase I must face in life and so far it is.
You expressed the feeling well, overall good write.
F~E
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Love the choice of colors and the first stanza draws you in...
Least favorite was the last line...I read someone suggested removing the I ...I would only suggest - without a trace might also work.
My favorite is the first stanza...will go back and read the other poem as you suggested.
I think you did a wonderful job trying to grasp a very difficult theme.
Good luck in the contest.
Enjoyed reading it...thanks for sharing it.
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Oh oh oh, ALMOST perfect... the very last line is tooooo long. Remove the "I" and it would read SO much smoother. Other than that, a great poem, and I love how short it is (for me, the poems I plan to write short, take the longest, even days upon days) Great work, good luck!
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well done
I like how easily you potrayed the final moments of ones life. I am not usualy one for rhyme schemes because they seem forced but you didnt make it that way. so keep up the writing -
Bummer!
I seen your name and thought-I have to check your site out- thought only my ex went by that name hehe. Anyhow, disturbing-but that was your intent I'm sure..sad,cold, I liked it actually..Good job-fairmaiden
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