helplessly she cries,
weak with unspeakable fear
wounds of rejection, rip deep
not fully aware,
fraught with lover’s affliction
in her void, the act is done
Writings of Malabu©2007
My Sedoka Poetry
Author notes
If you love haiku/senryu; try this advanced form of wonderful poetry
Sedoka~ (Japanese Haiku/Senyru/Tanka Poetry)
The Sedoka is an unrhymed poem made up of two three-line katauta with the following
syllable counts: 5/7/7, 5/7/7. A Sedoka, pair of katauta as a single poem, may address the
same subject from differing perspectives.
Katauta is an unrhymed three-line poem the following syllable counts: 5/7/7.
In a list
A contest entry
- Formed poetry contest by Luciferschild.
650 points, ended March 1, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Sedoka hm I've never head of it before. I like it though
Very nice job. Thank you for taking the time to enter. Excellent work and I wish you the best of luck in my contest.
-Steve- -
I love this. Nice job with the form and diction.
thanks for entering, and good luck.
Abby -
Hi. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! I’ve decided to use a slightly edited version of my friend Arkbear’s grading scoreboard to help me judge this contest. I hope he doesn’t mind. It’ll aid me in organizing my thoughts and judging fairly versus randomly. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. Writers with the highest possible points out of 80 will obviously win
Title Appeal: 9.5 - Love the title.
Poem Flow: 9.25 - I wonder if you might want to change the word "cried" in the first sentence to "cries" in order keep present tense throughout your piece, including with your title. That tripped me up, but otherwise, the flow was fine.
Depth: 9.35 - Written pretty simplistically with a limited amount of syllables. Your words carry some power, but I don't think the long-lasting impact is there.
Emotional Impact: 8.75 - I was imagining all the scenarios this piece could be about and I could relate to most of them, but I did have difficulty wrapping myself around the brevity, despite the beauty of the words.
Spelling and Grammar: 10 – YAY!
Punctuation and Caps: 10 – YAY!
Presentation: 9.75 - Your second line is much further indented in than your fifth line, but presented uniquely and aesthetically pleasing!
Personal Appeal: 9 – Love being introduced to a new form. Also loved the content. Nicely done!
My score: 75.60/80.00
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i like cries...thanks for the suggestion...as for presentaton i had to play with it,word html does not always allow paste exact...oh and heads up... haiku and senryu are small caps only...this form contains only minimal brakes...also like haiku simplicity is key to a perfect ku...Punctuation and Caps are a no no...i am an advid reader an writer of japanese poetry... thank you for hosting
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Thanks for your reply
I wasn't sure on the caps and punctuation, so I looked up many examples and saw it both ways. I'll take your word for it and edit your score. Thanks for the enlightenment. I can always learn! *smile*
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too am always learning...even busho a master of ku said only a hundred or more of the thousands he wrote were note worthy...of course many of disagree and call him brilliant
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wow, thats all i can say. very well done
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I really like the way you set this up...very powerful statement this made with the lines like this...great job...best of luck to ya...smiles, Terry
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hmm..i have no idea who this author of this piece is....but i love this..wonderful job..thnx u for introducing me to a new form..i am very surprise by this style..kinda reminds me of haiku..but more advance.lol..the piece itself is very detailed..leaves a lot to the imagination of how the act is done..and the ending is wondeful because its keeps the mind wondering...at the same time the piece has a dark and errie outlook on the "she"..seems depressing..
thnx u for entering..this is a wonderful piece -
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I just read the rules over
Im sorry I left my authors name out thinking this was an annon contest...I will enter my name under the poem as required..LOL silly me oh this is a wonderful comment by the way thank you so much
Mal
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Oh love to learn different forms, ty for that lesson and this is beautiful and definitely tells how it feels when rejection comes...UGH! It surely does rip deep...Best of Luck! This is for sure a winner!
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An Exceptional Write ~
Lovely Presentation ~
Perfect syllable count ~
Emotions running high throughout the
first Katuaka....and then the
Great Poet skillfully brings us back down
to reality....underlining the intense imagery set forth ~
A nice touch on the line breaks, yet I would
be very careful in your artistic ability to not
confuse a Poet, who may not be familiar with
Formed writes, and how they should, or should
not be presented to the new Reader ~
I love your ability to use this Form, creating
such imagery in so few lines ~
I remember meeting you months ago,
and I am happy to have reconnected with your work ~
Splendid job ~
Bear ~
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Very nice.
Best of luck in the comtest.
Jim
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You've branched out in forms I've yet to try. And seems you have a knack for these short powerful pieces.Careful,a compassionate soul is showing in thought in here. Lovely piece.
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I agree with Zayra. This is a very well done Sedoka and you've really made this poetry form come alive with this write. The emotions here are so intense.... I can but sigh. Excellent.
~ Nicolette
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This is well done and to the point. Your writing has really blossomed, you know, and I keep meaning to tell you how impressed I am with the growth in your work. This poem is excellent.
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