and i wouldnt say procrastination
its just the white heat of your condensation
it's on doccument; theres just a slight temptation
to an immortal and endless and boundless sensation
I diddn't put it in a box, my innocence
Its in that pocket
In that jacket
That Mr. so&so was wearing
So it's not worth much comparing
Theres snakes of xenon
I think ive gone insane
But I cant say i dont love it
Theres nothing left of life not to love that hasn't been loved already
If you could just taste this
And i'd never erase this
So sleep tight
so hold tight
so help you god?
I'm still alright
Falling through clouds is like dealing with smoke
On the inhale, its heaven
On the exhale, you choke
And i love you too much to see you hit the ground
But wait...
who are you anyway?
A contest entry
- REM cycling by grassisgreener.
600 points, ended August 21, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Falling through clouds is like dealing with smoke
On the inhale, its heaven
On the exhale, you choke
love those lines! what a cool rap. check your spelling on document. all in all i don't think i want to critique this piece as i normally would because this style is not one in which i feel well learned. however, i thoroughly enjoyed reading the random idiosyncrasies of your dream. thank you for entering! -
Is innocence bliss ?
When hovering on the bodrerland between prose and poetry it might be helpful to ensure punctuation and spelling so as to deepen the effect of a composition whose potential deserves greater attention
Perhaps there's instead of theres, didn't rather than diddn't, and eying the eventuality of capitalizing the lower case i
Towards the end of the poem there is distinct talent whose merits are undeniable yet ...
for
Falling through clouds is like dealing with smoke
On the inhale, its heaven
On the exhale, you choke
And i love you too much to see you hit the ground
Falling through clouds is like dealing with smoke
Inhale is heaven
Exhale, one chokes
I love you too much to see you hit the ground
Hoping this is construed as constructive criticism ...
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Missplaced innocence
or was it left there freely? A thought to ponder. Alice grew up in wonderland but she did not meet maturity there. I get the image of the hooka smoking catapillar from the last lines of this. Was that something you were after? The background choice is lovely because it's like a stretched out acid trip. Very tastey. -
:D
this was a fun read. i liked it a lot and it's nicely descriptive. 3 smiles.
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Amazing!
I totally agree with the first comment_This Rocks!
very talented my friend!
Adding to my favorites k!
So sleep tight
so hold tight
so help you god?
I'm still alright
Falling through clouds is like dealing with smoke
On the inhale, its heaven
On the exhale, you choke
And i love you too much to see you hit the ground
But wait...
who are you anyway?
-
Your rhyme scheme is really good, and the flow of your poem is outstanding. This is a good poem, and eye opening. Good job. Btw, I really like the title of the poem
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holy shit this is amazing! I read it a lot quicker than I usually read poetry...and I'm a pretty fast reader to begin with anyway.
So many unanswered questions and metaphors and a whole shitload of other things that blew me away. To my bookmarks it goes. Write on.
MORSMORDRE!
- The Dark Lady
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