Babies are small.
Small like my brain.
Brains are mushy and gross.
Gross like when my dog rolled in...lets not go there.
I tend to talk alot.
Talking is included in lots of things.
Thin 1 and Thing 2 are in Cat and The Hat.
My cat just peed in my...you don't need to know that.
Politics are serious.
Serious is a weird song.
Songs are on the radio.
Radios play songs...wait we already went over that.
The man fell in love.
Love is complicated.
Complicated like my math homework.
Math is boring...i'm sure you already knew that.
The End!!!
Author notes
I know its pointless
A contest entry
- I got a challenge! (are you up to it or are you too scared?) by Childsight.
375 points, ended June 19, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~*~ Double Your Gold ~*~ by Asfand.
450 points, ended August 14, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win a Trophy? by Nam.
1750 points, ended October 18, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
The original contest this was in called for the way I wrote it with the repetition of one of the main words to be put in the line after it. Yes I do agree it would be better how you changed it, but thats not what they asked for. I did make a lot of spelling and grammer errors and will try to improve on that in future poems. Thanks for your input.
-
The repetition of the same word at the end of one line, beginning the next line in the first verse doesn't really work too well. Some of them aren't even really needed, they could be used as enjambments. EX:
"Babies are small
like my brain.
Brains are mushy and gross,
Like when my dog rolled in...lets not go there."
In that last line, "lets" would be "let's".
"I tend to talk alot"
"alot" would be "a lot".
The use of "lots" in the second line is repetitious of "a lot" in
the previous line, and doesn't really work. I would suggest changing
it to "many", so the line would read:
"Talking is included in many things."
Which, if take note: it sounds and reads better.
"Thin 1 and Thing 2 are in Cat and The Hat."
"Thin" I believe would be "Thing". If you lowercase "and", then presumably you'd lowercase "The" before "Hat".
The repetition of words in the 3rd verse actually works (to the degree you've written them in) but as stated: doesn't work in the first verse since the first verse isn't written in the same accord.
In the last verse, it doesn't work in this part:
"Love is complicated.
Complicated like my math homework."
The word "Complicated" isn't needed in the second line.
"Love is complicated,
Like my math homework."
That works better than what you have.
-
Very good
okay you got the form down perfectly! there were a few errors though. like a lot is two words and you frogot the "g" in thing 1. these are just little things but i think the peom would be much better if fix them.
-
Hehehe wot on earth? LUV IT! Actully do, i think it's funny, especially the end of each verse. Hehehe made me laugh
Adding your comment:
