My breath fogs up the window, shape of a moth-wing, with
artificial lights interrupting my brief spiral of unrepentant joy.
This is the Autobahn, heavily trafficked by extraneous
ideas that never cease rushing onward.
Much stimuli can be found here, sandpaper
beneath curious fingertips, lemons sour on seeking tongue.
The city we frequent is soon to be industrialized, the
holes they are digging lines for electric lights
that will drown out everything familiar to us
beneath a cruel, fluorescent glow.
Your pliable atoms, once spread apart and easily accessed,
have been rearranged to deny me.
Your completeness has been responsible for
my emptiness, and I am no longer sure of our happiness.
Using abstract ideas as a last, desperate attempt
to paint a picture of this plight, I implore you
to escape this place with me, where natural light
will again give wing to our nighttime voyages.
But even a soliloquy penned by Shakespeare could not
undo this. The truth, I realize, is that we have reached an impasse
Author notes
Surprisingly, I am vaguely satisfied by this...ooh and for the people who have never read anythin by me before...I'm 14 and just got accepted into an art high school, but I need help on how to improve...I'm afraid that I might not be as good as some of the other people when I get there and I'll admit that I'm competitive and want to be the best...even though I don't ever think I am...but I also don't want to be like worse than everyone there, ya know? I wanna prove that I deserve being there sooo if you have any idea how I could make this or any of my other works better, I'd appreciate it a lot, thanks!
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I was impressed with this poem as I read it, but even more so when I found out the author was half as old as I would have thought! You have a wonderful potential to become a truly great writer. The only editing I might do, if this were my own piece, is make it flow a bit smoother. Besides that, an excellent write!
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I love the imagery in this. A lot of it is so harsh. I love the contrast at the start, with the breath on the window being likened to a moth's wing, which is such a delicate image, and then the images of harsh, aritificial light, sandpaper and lemonjuice, which are almost agressive sensual images. It shows to me a real struggle and restlessness inboth the writer and the narrator.
A jumble of thoughts and ideas which was, in the end, successful.
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I was actually lucky enough to get an opinion from outside of the contest on this piece. The person encouraged me to read it over again and pointed out how several of the sublties I had just glanced over worked in interesting ways.
I enjoyed the metaphorical industriaization as a way of looking at the rococo the relationship described was becoming. The use of "completeness" and "emptiness" in the same line was very symmetrical and betrayed the truth behind the piece - that the author is very alone, and no one understands - without coming right out, saying it, and sounding trite. The "electric lights" that drown, the "immaculate Las Vegas replica," and the "trapping completeness" that created artistic imprisonment were also highlights of the piece that demonstrated an ability to compare and contrast that is invaluable in writing.
It was a little disappointing that (like anything we get involved in) we never figured out what the catalyst was for the changes in the relationship, or if there was ever any resolution. At the same time, however, we were content with the piece as it is and understood that any additions might be pushing too far to include too much. We were happy with what was at hand.
Both the offline critic and myself did, however, struggle with the seeming inconsistencies between the beginning and end parts of this piece. The first sentence, specifically, seems at a strange juxtaposition with the rest of the piece, espeically the use of the words "unrepetent joy." We decided to interpert the reference as an allusion to the possible, but unlikely. However, unlike the rest of the piece, we couldn't be sure.
I was also concerned initally because I was afraid I would have to kick this piece for a rules violation. Entires must be in poetic form (RCR 5.3) and, at first glance, this seemed to be more in the form of a short story. (That was actually the issue that caused me to inquire of outside help.) My co-critic agreed that the centering of the piece did not alone create poetic form, but felt that the effort itself was more a peom than a story because of the language and devices used. After futher examination I came to agree with her, and I saw that the reason I had believed it to be otherwise was because of the images contained within the piece. This may seem like a non-sequitor, but it goes to the sort of wirting I read in my off time, and we can leave it at that.
Thank you for the compelling entry.
~Das -
this was an amazing piece hard to believe it came from some one as young as yourself, but it just goes to show you that talent and passion dosen't know a age limit. very impressive poem!
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thanks so much for the comment!!
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Well this piece is absolutely amazing and I was not expecting to see that it had been written by a 14 year old I think it is beautiful. You should go on with confidence to the art high school.
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thank ya muchly for the comment and applause
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I really enjoy this poem. Your style is very nice and the words are flowing and true. As for advice.. I really can't think of much. I do agree with Crimsetssorrow that the first line's "moth-wing" doesn't fit, though.
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thanks for the comment!
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I dont like the first line it seems as though the moth-wing doesnt fit right. The second line is good, I dont like the reference to the Autobahn and I also dont think you should use the word IS ARE or any conjugate of TO BE as it takes away from my (the readers) ability to imagine. Unless, it is a metaphor or similie or what you would like to put it I would make an exception. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the line about the feel of sandpaper beneath curious fingertips. What is the Las Vegas replica of right and wrong? Don't tell me what is show me and let me decide on my own terms if it is right or wrong. Let the readers feelings overcome themselves MAKE YOUR READER FEEL AS IF IT WERE REAL! Use more imagery, more diction, more form, and more euphony it will add a great amount to your poem. Keep up the good work and revise CONSTANTLY. When you are satisfied with a poem that is when you have the most work to do.
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thank you SO much for your comment, it was really helpful!! i only have one question...what exactly is euphony??
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pretty cool
not my favorite type of thing but theres nothing wrong with this at all. who cares about being better or worse than anybody. you got in so youre all good. and no doubt youll be better than some and worse than others just like everybody else. -
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i know lol, but i have this bad thing about bein competitive about my writin...go figure...anyways, thank ya so much for the comment!!
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WOW!!!!!!!!!! this is a great write twiny nd i am soooooo happy 4 u since u got into the art skool!!!!!!!! yay
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