OH!
breakout child,
You go over his whelm eachneverytime-
And those Breakloose runfree eyes of yours
Grab hold of his earlobes and
S S H H A A K K E E
S S H H A A K K E E
Him until demons and razorblades
fly from his mindhold out into
handy recyling bins; where razor's
blades are dulled, and refract
glitterly shimmer and delight kidlings.
The demons are trained and released to spread
warm buttery joy on the worlds dry jacket potatoes.
*********
MMM Halleholyglorylujah MMM
You can see her glory burning up the sky
and the sun is green with envy: sick with
bad gravity, throwing up UV all over the earth
which just grins and shakes its hair.
It knows the summers heat will fade
but her breakout beauty will shine
until death grabs her and wraps her in
Wormy muck.
But I don't think death can bring himself
to lay one bony digit on her breast
(or brow, but i prefer breast)
OH! Child! OH!
Words end up unspoken
cause you fill up my mouth.
A contest entry
- Repel - Experimental Poetry by cvillelisa.
450 points, ended June 24, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - biggest contest in allpoetry history! (i hope) need 1,000 entries!! by Gasp.
1300 points, ended July 11, 2007, 638 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I love the rhythm of this, and wow, the made up words! But they make perfect sense and really suit the piece. Glad I ran across this.
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Definitely a great musical feel to this write - the flow of language pulled me along even when the metaphor & imagery clouded.
I like the playful use of imagery - especially the 3rd to last stanza.
Immediately, I would remove (or brow, but i prefer breast). It doesn't fit the flow & the indecisiveness works against the energy instead of adding to it.
The last stanza is strong & good - but I think something is missing before it. The flow drops off before the end like there's more to say, but you aren't saying it.
This is really a good, experimental piece of writing. It's exciting & the use of language pulls me in & wakes me up.
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Thank you very much for your comment! it was very helpful! My favorite is the third to last stanza as well! I see what you mean about the (or brow, but I prefer breast) - i may change it.... but i wanna consider it for a bit! lol
I totally agree about the flow dropping off at the end- so ill have to give it some thoughts!
Thanks again!
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This has a very jazzy type of a feel to it. It reads very well outloud.
I like breakfree runloose eyes and glory running up the skies
lots to like actually. It is a very energetic poem and then that last stanza just ZAPS you into silence. Effective.
I'm poking through all of them now reading and reading. Thanks again for your entry.
Lisa -
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Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! A few people have read this and hadn't said anything, so i wasnt sure... but i really enjoyed the poem too, so im really pleased you agree! It, like a few of my poems, were meant to be read aloud. so well spotted.
Thanks!
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