Gently, placing his finger under her chin,
He presses her face up to look at him.
Slowly, he bends down;
So his eyes meet her shiny, grey blue eyes.
Softly, he says;
"You're more beautiful than you allow others to see;
Please don't stay lost forever..."
Letting her go...
He watches, as her eyes drop back down to the floor.
A contest entry
- Heart Wrenching Feeling by Indeed.
300 points, ended December 7, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Quicklet by StormGoddess.
390 points, ended December 13, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 31 to 35 ages enter your best prewrite Judged by RedwingSpirit.
475 points, ended January 18, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Mania by Celticmoon.
450 points, ended March 30, 2008, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
-
Probably needs a comma after "Gently". "Pressing" should be "Presses". Comma after "Slowly". I would shorten some of the next lines bit - a lot of unnecessary cluttery stuff there. For example:
His eyes meet her shiny, grey blue
Softly, he says,
Not to change the meaning at all, or remove any of your details. If you can take out some clutter, it nearly always makes a piece easier to read and makes the important stuff stick out more to your reader.
"Then he lets her face go" is really awkward. I would find a way to rephrase it, such as finding one verb to replace "lets go" and don't worry too much about specifying "her face" since we know from the first two lines that's what he's got of her.
It's a beautiful piece, just needs this tiny bit of spit and polish in my opinion. The significance of her movement in the last line really makes the piece - you've done a wonderful job of illustrating the emotions in both people.
-
-
Thankyou for a real critque it has been very valued and appreciated!
I have taken all said and changed things around ... but will still keep working on this one ... it is one of my personal favs
-
-
A touch of sweet romance here. A timeless classic in imagery for sure. Thank you for entering and best of lucking the contest to you!
Blessings
Bel
-
lovely
sometimes to much info ruins a lovely poem
this is a lovely poem
but rather than saying "shiny grey blue eyes"
just put 'moist eyes'
keep up with editing your works after you've posted them here, many of us do as we always find a way to better phrase our thoughts.
-
Beautiful
Very nice imagery on this piece, I can feel the underlying emotion as welll. Well Done! ~Peace~Gar
-
Commentary
In a way, this is like a Romeo & Juliet kind of feel to it. But I think that what makes a good beginning to a love tale -
Sad
Hello there.
I like what you have done in this poem where you give your readers hope at the start of the poem and then just like the loser's eyes you drop us down into the depths.
It makes my heart go out to her and it's good that you were able to portray this in your free-verse poem.
Good luck in the contest.
have a gr8 day,
BJ.
-
You can feel the conection between the charactors in this piece, it made me long for a person who can made me feel that loved.
-
You can feel the conection between the charactors in this piece, it made me long for a person who can made me feel that loved.
-
wow this is great i love the feeling you get by reading it like almost happy then sad all at once i really like this one and wish you all the luck with your poems
-
This is something esle.
I liked this is says to me the heart can only stand so much pain, and I have heard these words before- please not again. Spare me the pain..mac So touching.
-
wow!
This is such an amazing poem with so much depth and meaning... i could picture it all! great and poweful imagery!
The mood of this poem is so sweet! i love this poem so much!
"You're more beautiful than you allow others to see;
Please don't stay lost forever..."
i love these lines so much! so beautiful!
best of luck in all the following contests!
-
aww
wow, I loved this.
I wish this could happen to me ya know?
I think this is the best short poem I have read on AP thus far. So powerful in it's words and very, very touching.
truely amazing.
-
you speak in a monotone resistance...
great description of a beautiful moment.
-
This... Makes me speechless. I've had almost the exact thing happen to me. It's hard to show the beauty that is inside you when there are so many negative things that surround you. It's easy to loose yourself in being lost. Incredible.
-
Very nice poem
Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest I wish you the best of luck.
REDWINGSPIRIT
-
This is pretty
I agree with "meaningfull" you did pack alot of emotion into very very simple words! But the way you positioned and worded the words, works perfectly with capturing someone to read this. I pictured it all and loved it! Great write! -
I love the way you packed so much emotion into such simple words!!!!
-
This is so touching,
it is ashame that some never see
their true beauty, so many have self doubt.
True beauty is only skin deepI really liked this piece and the message within it is great.
Good Job !!!
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
-
:)
ah i like it!! alot...so sad and real!!! made me glare for a while.....very rad -
The piece touched the very depths of my soul...I like how you portrayed such a caring character...
-
We can't find someone until they are willing to be found. And they aren't willing to be found until they can find themselves. This is good. Deep.
Thank you for entering and good luck.
Storm -
This is so beautiful. I wish more people would try to make people happy. Telling someone you are more beautiful then you allow others to see is so sweet. A lot of people just need someone to say they are worth something for them to ever believe it. The guy you portray in this poem, is the guy all women want or at least me.
-
Wha.. Whaaaaa! WONDERFUL!
I adore this poem..
it truly speaks to me.. deep in the core of my being..
it's.. just waht i needed..
some pure inspiration!!!!!!!
Thank you! -
In the sixth line... "Your" should be YOU'RE.
You have done an admirable job of bringing out so much meaning with the words you have carefully chosen here. Keep that pen handy and let the ink continue to flow dear poet!
♥ Touchof1der
-
Very nice
I think you should expand this one. Carry it out into a poem of 500 words or more. Make an epic of it. Perhaps talk of his attempts... in more detail, and her responses. But, as it is its a very good poem. Keep writing!
-
In tribut to your poem:
He places his finger under her chin
tenderly lifting her face
Her eyes are downcast
Slowly he bends down
making eye contact; hers are shiny grey blue
Softly he says
“You’re more beautiful than you allow others to see;
Please don’t stay lost forever….”
Hesitantly he takes his hand from her face
and watches her as her gaze drop back down to the floor
Such loveliness
So lost
-
WOW!!
I can really see the heartfelt emotion in this...on both sides 'please dont stay lost forever!' Short but soo powerful! Nice job!
-
This piece is very powerful in more ways than one. "Your more beautiful than you allow others to see;
Please don't stay lost forever..." This line has to be my favorite because you can almost hear the love, pain, and agony in the speakers voice. You can tell how he longs for her to come back and become herself again. Thank you for sharing this piece. -
at some point in my life i also felt like that! i felt that i was lost in a deep dark hole, then i realised that i have to love my self to show people how to love me! i need to lift up my face so they can see my eyes and see my soul, i need to stop putting myself down cos people can smell low self esteem from a mile away and capitalise on it! wow this poem just hit home!!
-
This is beautiful. So many people live their lives thinking they are not beautiful. They need to get out of that depression, and see that they are truly beautiful. The person who wrote "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is dead wrong, because words do affect how people feel. Words are so powerful. anyways, great job on this poem.
-
-
Yes people are too flippant with their use of words and often don't realise the impact they leave as they walk away... thanks for commenting
-
-
WOW
that is so powerful!!! maybe it could be explained why he thinks she is beautiful. and maybe why she doesn't let others see. I found it sad but there is hope there. -
Please don't stay lost forever..."
Then he lets her face go
And watches her as her eyes drop back down to the floor.
This is indeed a heartfelt and touching write revealing the language of the heart, rendering a song of the emotions and enchanting a poetry of the soul my friend..I love the melody of the muse here which revels the secrets of the love in every line here in this write..The pace and the structure of the write softly takes us towards the world of its inner meaning and that is just beautiful my friend... -
-
Thankyou for your detailed comment .. i am glad you saw it as it was meant to be read
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 35 of 35
