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Stained Memories


Defiled recollections
   in inky waters
of mind's eye,
   bring affliction
to viability now.

Heart to heart
   no longer,
welcoming relief

   from weathered storms,
past behind.

 

Extinction from peace
   heart fractured,
only shards remain
   of broken promises,
dead lies.

 

Even pictures
   long since erased,
invade private moments
   of serenity
and existence.

 

Goodbye to you
   and uncertain future
living only for self
   and self destruction,
me left behind.

 

 

*Thanking God for goodbyes* 

A contest entry

How could this be improved or restructered to sound better?

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • mysticstorm gold member
    November 3, 2007

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    Love the last line...godbye are sometimes so need for a new hello. Well written with nice flow and soft meter.
    Nicely done.

    Thank you for entering!


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    August 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful!


  • Florida Sunshine
    July 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is a very nice piece for your final ~ you did a beautiful job! Nice job! Thanks for entering the contest ~ best of luck to you!


  • Da-Lyricologist
    June 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wonderful penning as always i love the way you express yourself 1 luv


  • Candy6
    June 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    a great poem


  • Frozentearz
    June 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on your H.M. so glad to see this honored well done and some great penning,
    Blessings
    Frozentearz


  • Celticmoon
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh how I know how some times a good bye is not always a bad thing. Some times, just some times a good bye only means the end of something that should never have been to begin with, though even with that good bye we are gifted with a lesson learned( some harder than others but learned no less). Thanks for entering and good luck!


    Blessings
    Bel


  • poetryality silver member
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh do I know this! Life is filled with hellos and goodbyes. Sometimes the "goodbye" brings a hefty sigh and much needed relief. It amazes me how much heartache can be so easily related to love. But how would we know how heartache felt if we never had the richness of love? Splendid work. Although grievous, this poem is still lovely. I wish you well in this challenge.


    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • Airborne Ed silver member
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The picure is amazing and siuts the poem perfectly. As I read tis poem I could feel my heart sinking slowly deeper and deeper... and at the end... the good-byes was the perfect ending. I know I do not like the word but for this poem it is just right. I wish you the best in the contest you entered... and for all the tomorrows you have ahead of you...


  • faderman1959
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lady the picture and the poem go together so well! I enjoyed the whole poem but the ending finished it off the best. Especially the last line! "me left beind". It speaks of a new beginning and finishes the poem off with hope. Great write lady!


  • Hot Goddess
    June 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Leave it!!!!!!!!

    Its really good the way it is! Dont change or retructure.


  • GoodKnightPoet
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Life will always be a series of (hello's and goodbye's) I like the phrase "in inky waters." Excellent poem.


  • slipperssun gold member
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    the picture you used and the write you penned both go so well together... i really enjoyed this... i am glad that you moved on though...lol
    cheers
    Jen

  • Andy Miles
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A remarkable poem. Concise, stern, with few words too many, language well used...

    Now, (1) I think you could have done without repeating "broken" in the stanza that starts "extinction from peace" (2) I enjoyed all your verses but the last one, with slightly askew grammar is for me the best and it also closed your poem very well...


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    June 3, 2007

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    a wonderful beautiful and trapping poem i can't really begin to think what to say here, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest


  • Creatress silver member
    June 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful. I loved it. I cherish moments when I feel as though there really is consciousness out there. Most of the time its like no one thinks about anything that isn't right up in their face. I loved the lines "even pictures
    long since erased,
    invade private moments
    of serenity
    and existence"
    The skill here blows me away. This is the whole package. Loved it!

    Creatress

1 - 19 of 19