The raindrops fall
disturbing nature's peace
splatter
Author notes
I tried to edit it...Will like some fed-back though.
Well the rain actually inspired this. Hope it sounds good.
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hmm. I'm sitting here and pondering that second line. Is the rain really disturbing nature's peace? See when i think about peace and tranquility of nature, I think of rain. I think that you've portrayed this a little oddly, but it's still a good write.
Bandaid. -
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I understand what you mean but I think you are missing the whole thing. Firstly it is poetry and ppl make comparisons that are off at times. Secondly, rain isn't always associated with peace etc, and then I do not think that you read the title.
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This is good. I see the ambiguity in it and I like that you used "splatter" because it ends the poem in a way that will wake up the mind of the reader.
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Hi Tender...Only by the title of this haiku, I realize you are trying to draw a comparison of rain to tears, but there doesn't feel to be anything drawn of that within the haiku itself.
Maybe something more like:
dreary day--
a raindrop falls
on my cheek
I think "dreary day" may not be exactly the right kigo setting in this example, but I'm thinking by L2 and L3 a comparison to the rain and a teardrop might be drawn.
Best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo -
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I know what you are saying is true but I somehow always prefer not to put everything down. I prefer to leave some kind of openness to my writes. I hope that is ok.
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Nicely written.
So few words, yet so much meaning. It could have different meanings to different readers, yet I like it in it's natural reference.
Great write.
~Greg~ -
Thank you for entering our workshop.
The raindrops
fall heavily
disturbing nature's peace
I think this is a very goos start for a haiku. Do you think you could make us see or hear why the raindrops are disturbing nature's peace? Normally haiku do not have titles. The first line is substituted for the title. -
Welcome to Basics!
The raindrops
fall heavily
disturbing nature's peace
You have a good image in L1, and you really do not need L2 unless you want to provide another image. L3 is a statement and not an image, can you think of something to represent this? Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie
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