Stepping upon broken hearts
crying over ailing spirits
bleeding over never healing wounds
my decisions merge into an abyss
whose meaningless trauma is inflicted
upon some mere inquisitions
that lie naked in the eyebrows
which are now obscured by sentiments.
I am not running...just walking away
and for all I can say it feels heavenly you traitor.
A contest entry
- Prompt!! by Naridill.
300 points, ended June 2, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Beautiful! Nicely penned with a deep insight to your mind. I loved it, sadly not whats on my mind but nicely flowed and great imagery.
Much luck.
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dont kill me about the length :)
This is again very good
here we go!
"Stepping upon broken hearts
crying over ailing spirits
bleeding over never healing wounds"
This is a very potent and eyecatching begining.
people want to read why, which is why I was drawn into this poem.(I like!)
I like the continuous metaphor that undergoes metamorphic development. "Stepping" as the first word creates the poems movement linking to "broken hearts" that have been trod upon, Making them "broken hearts." Crying at the begining of the next line gives it impact, personifing the heart with real emotional images of tears. Then you describe bleeding, linking with bleading tears, which links to a open wound that won't heal. Very good I love the creative flow!
"my decisions merge into an abyss
whose meaningless trauma is inflicted"
I like the way first verse uses enjamberment that links with the merging decisions.
I also love your descriptive language "trauma" and "inflicted" makes this piece exciting to read becasuse it makes the whole composition dramatic and exciting.
"upon some mere inquisitions
that lie naked in the eyebrows"
Then a good juxtaposition you play down the drama by saying "mere inquisitions" That seem vunerable with their naked human form which has also personified eyebrows.
I like the line where you describe all the pain being covered by the eyebrow and not by the heart symbolisibng that the sentiments that are hiding the traumatic problems are meaningless like the lies and transparent, that magnifies the problem.
"which are now obscured by sentiments."
"I am not running...just walking away
and for all I can say it feels heavenly you traitor."
thease are the most important lines and I like the way you have separated them from the rest of the poem to make them stand out.
This break of the chain of words reflects your first line,Showing the physical separation from Traitors, linking with the stepping away and over broken hearts and the movement of pain contrasting with the heavenly bliss of freedom from broken glass and transparent betrayers.
"I am not running...just walking away"
I like the way you have used the form of making your feelings run through 3 lines then two then three then twoat the end that is broken away.
shows that there is thought to the format and flow of the poem.
really enjoyed this poem well done It spoke volumes with a message I can really connect to.
Thankyou for sharing.
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