You left the shadow of your smile
adrift, within my mind,
And what about your loving ways ~
those too you left behind …
For years I’ve kept the memories
of seeing you in places
that often times, were clouded by
so many other faces;
And yet your eyes would rush to mine
as if in search of sharing ~
mute images that mirrored times
about a love of caring.
A caring for what moved your sense
to seek truth’s intuition,
While all my senses stood in awe
my power chose submission.
You left the shadow of your smile
adrift, within my mind
And what about your loving ways ~
those too you left behind …
So like a river on it flows
while channeling good feeling.
Still warms my heart throughout the years,
when life is unappealing.
Revealing to my very soul
that love’s not of our choosing,
but what we find with open mind
to document with musing.
Confusing as this theory seems,
I’ve found its wealth a treasure
and you, my friend, enriched in me,
a fortune gone unmeasured!
You left the shadow of your smile
adrift, within my mind
And what about your loving ways ~
those too you left behind ...
© 2007 Joy A. Burki-Watson
Author notes
dedicated to one I love ...
A contest entry
- Annie's Song! ...Write a song to someone you love. by LadyLavender.
550 points, ended June 3, 2007, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Bittersweet!
"You..." is an attempt to "bring back the hour of splendour in the grass...glory
in the flower" but alas, we must go on and hold those blessed moments close to our breasts.
Sometimes, we know not what we do with our words, or our lack of them and perhaps do not have the open-ness to stop and look.
Brought tears.
Blessed Be Your Heart!
Gratitude and Loyalty
till next time
stay
liquid
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Written with the intense feeling of deep abiding love. I can relate so well to the lines:
"And yet your eyes would rush to mine
as if in search of sharing"Only people who have been together for a long time can know this feeling. Written with a depth of understanding as is this comment. ~ Von
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it was really good.
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Truly deserving of the silver trophy this is a wonderful love poem.
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Ah, what memories, intense,
yet gentle reminders
of a presence lingering.
Your gift of writing
put to perfect use
to preserve the memories.
A wonderful piece.
M-C
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Very beautiful.
A gentle tender and loving write, a joy to read.
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A pleasure to read..Such sentiments of love. Original lines and words all in such harmony of flow and rhyme. A masterpiece of love...Beautiful!
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Gorgeous write, sadly beautiful. Eloquent with a good flow, lovely.
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How Wonderful (Magnificent)
Yours is true first-class poetry, real poetry of the highest order. -
Congratulations on the Silver!!!
I love this absolutely gorgeous, uplifting song of love from your heart and soul. (I wish I'd have written it!!!) Great work, Joy!!! It's always a pleasure to read your poetry. 
Peace, Cyn
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This is absolutely beautiful. The form is unmistakeably you and the message is such a tender, touching, loving one that it just leaves my heart in a puddle next to the page. Another bookmark for sure.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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flawless, wonderful
This poem is PURE JOY indeed
For quality like this there is a need
You, Joy, here supply that need
To more Joy-Poems I proceed...
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Beautiful
I really respect the feelings in this write. Young folk can't know what it is like to lose a life time partner, neither do I but I have been married for over 40 years and dread that this could be me one day. I am not bothered about the technicalities of this because, for me, the depth of feeling and love is what matters above all. Write for your self, write for your feelings and others will understand who can also 'feel'. Thank you.
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u viewed one of my pieces 25 minutes ago so i wanted to see this person who didnt leave me a comment on my work. this was a okay read i felt you held back in your write you expressed here and there but you should have brought more emotions in this write. don't ever bull shit a reader when delivering dear and that is what you did bull shitted my eyes. bring on the flames when writing ~ lady enthralling ~
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"And yet your eyes would rush to mine
as if in search of sharing ~
mute images that mirrored times
about a love of caring.
A caring for what moved your sense
to seek truth’s intuition,
While all my senses stood in awe
my power chose submission." - WOW ! -love it!
"Revealing to my very soul
that love’s not of our choosing,
but what we find with open mind
to document with musing." -very interesting line, very good, interesting concept, how you get that to rhyme, you must be some genius or somethin! -Laurie Whipple. P.S. -Don't mean to be flip, I think you do quite fine at writing poetry! -
I really liked his poem...your a wonderful writer! Beautiful work! I look forward to reading more of your poems
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This is beautiful, Joy. I love it. However, since this is a poem you are focused on, I'm going to take this as an opportunity to make some critical remarks.
1) First, when I read this, I was reminded of the poetic style of Poe, at least for the first half. I liked it; it was formal, it was well worded, but it didn't seem to loose what it was saying.
2) For my second comment, the only place I could pick out on first reading where the rhyming was weak was the last quatrain of the first half:
"The caring for what moved your sense
to seek a new existence,
when all my nature stood in awe
how could I be resistant?"
I feel perhaps it could be made stronger if something more like this were applied:
"The caring for what moved your sense
to seek a new existence,
when all my nature stood in awe
who could offer/put up resistance?"
But that was just a thought.
3) Lastly, I can only say that in the beginning few lines of the second half to double check your tenses. I thought for the first couplet that it was past tense, and yet the second couplet was present, though it was directly referring to the first. I would suggest keep it in the past tense, but whatever you wouldl ike to do is up to you. I couldn't catch any more after that because there either may not have been any more or I was too stuck on that one to notice.
Overall I much enjoyed the feeling of this piece. Very sweet, very well done. Towards the end I got the feeling that this was almost like a bit of a speech, in that it felt like you were addressing a certain someone directly. But this didn't detract; no, I actually enjoyed that, because it wasn't done harshly. That facet just flowed naturally from the poem.
Again, beautiful piece!
You have a nice day Joy, and take care,
Nick
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Wow
This is so beautiful. So lovely and charming.
Spectacular. I could go on and on and on. I enjoyed this, I suppose you can tell hahahha, lol a really great penning.
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Hi, well this was wonderful I would say golden, I must come to your page more often, your poems are gentle on the mind and just what I need right now, wonderful, hugs Di
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Heartfelt!
I understand, I believe, this write quite well. Not so many of my friends or loved ones have passed on, but the words suit well those who have. It suits other ways of moving on as well, but this is the one that came to mind. Congratulations on your silver acknowledgement. A very good write. Jadon
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Oh absolutely beautiful Joy.....and many congrats on the silver, well deserved...mal
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This is an awesome dedication to the person you love. I can definetly hear this being a song...a touching one too!
"You left the shadow of your smile
adrift, within my mind,
And what about your loving ways ~
those too you left behind"
Beautiful!
Good luck and thank you for entering!
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