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[C|r|i|m|s|o|n] ~Fairy~

          I'm Tasting Silver
but all i see is Red.

You're my Crimson `Fa`ir`y,
              Ready to be [bled]

These waves are crashing
.T.h.r.a.s.h.i.n.g. Razors,

 


But I'm already DEAD.

Your my posion swe=ets


&& 

     ad=dictions that can't     be fed.


Your Porcelin \skin/ is tear\/\/ing at my bones


This sur=real torture ~bed~.

Your beating me,  

 


with your  `Sugar`-`stone`   heart.


  &&

    Whispering      |s|o|u|r|-_n-o-t_h_i_n_g_s-,


tear\/\/ing my mind APART

I'm Hanging       on,
to this             fairy tale-[n}e{v}e{r]

 


hopping i can taste this             blo=ody'beat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


``Forever`,



Author notes

[[ I had WAAAAY to much fun with the spacing, the punctuation was actually attemped to be used with thought, but the spacing was all chaos =D)

my first attempt at Dirty pretty, i realize it probably failed miserably. BUT, It's me trying a new style, nothing should be expected. PLEASE give me some pointers here, because this style is all but lost on me, even though from what i've read i LOVE it. (haha sad) Nad if you have good ideas for revising this, please put those down to, I'm hoping to get some harsh and VERY constructive critisim on this. If you don't have a critique, (and your not one of the posse) you don't need to comment. Please and thanks.

~~~ I edited the poem to remove a little of the punctuation and spacing and such....

Please give some pointers on the Dirty pretty style

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • EdibleRoses
    July 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. I love thisss...This reminds me of the lyrics of some of my favorite bands...It's almost like gothic to the core, but you just kind of add this flair in there that livens it up. I'm so adding this to my bookmarks, man!


  • Wonderwhenitllrain
    June 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is great!
    I just ignored the puntuation when I read it...
    But the spacing and punctuation seems random, which I don't like too much, but that's okay...


  • a tragic end
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Dirty Pretty doesn't rhyme with random puncuation

    Though puncuation does sometimes make the poem, it has to have a purpose to be there...every line doesn't have to have "extras" and using them sparingly makes them more powerful when they are used. Try writing some dirty pretty topics without any misplaced puncuation and then add some when you're done. I'd suggest you study the "masters". Some of whom I believe to be Glitter Scar, weallfalldown, DanielleFace, Friday, and CarCrashHumor. If you really feel froggy, go ahead and read some of their favorites...But DP isn't just a poetry style, it's a lifestyle, and if it isn't your own then at least put yourself in someone's shoes whose it is. Sorry for the ranting comment but you wanted some pointers and well...there ya go. Hope it helped and keep it up, you have potential.

    Oh yeah, and I just realized I didn't say ONE WORD about the poem itself. It's overall a good poem, without about 75% of the puncuation and the confusing spacing it could be very good. Great for a first try at DP but I'd hate to see what it was BEFORE you edited it. That may have been mean but it was meant constructively I promise. The hyphens in the colors at the beginning, didn't like them so much; they made me want to spell the word out in my mind because it wasn't so much separating them into syllables. Annnd...hopeing is spelled hoping. Sorry I'm nagging so hard, but I shall quit now. All love intended...


  • Aquamarine.
    June 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your *beating* me,




    with your `Sugar`-`stone` heart.


    &&

    Whispering |s|o|u|r|-_n-o-t_h_i_n_g_s-,


    tear\/\/ing my mind APART

    this is my favorite part i love the poem it makes me sad a little everyone tears me apart and thats why i love your poem its awesome


  • erininthesky
    June 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like it, sure it isn't the best, but it's your first attempt at Dirty Pretty, and it's pretty good for a first attempt. Keep up the good work, and remember, it takes time. Dirty Pretty is pretty hard to master, but I'm sure you'll be able to get the hang of it. ♥ Erin


  • Keikou Tenshin
    June 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Myep~

    I would agree with AliceNightmare... Overboard on the punctuation, hun. O.o Other than that, it's a nice piece~


    • Soten-Jaganshi
      June 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      yhes...^.^;;

      but I'm beggining to form a... set standard on puntcuation for my dirty pretty poems. Right now It's only like 1 rule (two let ters the same gotta have a space between them)
      why? i unno. it's better shown in my Glittering Blood poem =D


  • AshliiAsphyxiation
    June 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is a good shot for a first timer.. but one thing u ought to know. dirty pretty isnt all about random punctuation, or crazy spaces.
    Its about the depth of your world.. like being caught between the back alley abortionist && the stage lights..
    Check out my work for some pointers.;;
    xoxo

    Thanks for asking me to critiqyue this amazing peice


    &hearts bbydoll


  • Amber Lee
    June 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome write!

1 - 9 of 9