this rust-orange red
street light night
sound as a child's hand
cutting water for the first time
kansas mud fish
lazy with the pull
almost methodical
sampling blood
if not for i
the wind would caress this
blue-gold timpani
in silence
chew on your tongue when you talk
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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People say down there abstract. I do not see abstract. Maybe I have a problem. I see here the images that go by, not rush really, they are there long enough for the Poet to record the image emotionally as well as visually. You make the image concrete rather than abstract with the simile in Stanza 1, and the beating pulse rhythm of stanza 2 with the inertial action of the mud fish. Is real, not abstract
I am so impressed with the final stanza, which says to me, these images, these things, disturbed momentarily by the passing of the narrator/poet and his noise, which is not just noise- the wind to play the timpani in silence- this is another imteresting thought you leave me-reader with today- things to do with roles and actions/inactions/intrusions/causes and effects.
I am not one to mention the punctuation at all usually, but a stop on the very end may make it seem like you have driven by and the scenes without the intrusion are enclosed within themselves. Then again, without leaves the silence open ended. I don't know. Just mention because I did think about it. You made me. I am going now.
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thanks for the kind words! your observations and suggestions are greatly appreciated!
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Any poem which makes me look up a word is doing well--now that I know what a timpani is...
Your style is not the usual, I like that...there is a picture in the first stanza, but the reader needs to relate to the words enough to know what it is--even if they've never seen it before (for real), a reader should be able to picture something specific from just your words and your vision.
As to the other (on writing)--
You are a poet if you write poetry, a writer if you write. Though some quibble about how often if you publish, if your work is "good," or even if you share your work with others adding more and more limiting criteria to make this into a coveted title
I don't think any of that matters. You are if you wish to be. Poetry comes from self, not from recognition or agreement.
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Thanks!
There are actually many pictures in S1: Orange street lights, a child's hand cutting water; dual meaning of the word 'sound', relating to both the color of the night, and the hand... I tried to make each group of words 'show' something independent to the others-- purposefully vague. Thanks for your other comments as well! Poet-schmoet.... words are words.
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I once wrote a poem about a pink streetlight night -- see where I lived as a kid the street lights made the road blush from at 8:45 - 10:00PM starting the day school let out until that very sad Labor Day weekend.
Oh darn, I'm not following your directions:
Parthicularly thIth thlike linesth 3&4 and 5&6 they thfeelth good whenth Ith readth them. andth the imagerty popth.
Lisa
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Thanks. I have revised the poem back to its original form. The punctuation has been removed, and the first line of S2 'corrected'.
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I can see now why you enjoyed the abstract images I use, as you take abstraction further than I do. This reminds me of a poem called 'Cadenza' by Ted Hughes. I'd guess that you might know it, but if you don't then I would definately recommend it to you, along with his 'Crow' collection, which is very good for abstract ideas.
Back to your poem, I think it works beautifully, in the way that it creates a swirl of images which do work to conjour up a drive home. The only line which doesn't quite seem to work is the first line of stanza 2, since the syntax of the rest of the poem is fairly conventional, and the lack of an indefinate article jars me slightly as I read, breaking up the flow. However, the final stanza, for me, was close to perfection.
In terms of layout, I think you could be more consistant, especially with your use of punctuation. If you are going to leave the poem unpunctuated then do, but the punctuation in the second and third stanzas mean that it looks a little unbalanced. Also, even if you were not going to capitalise the beginnings of sentances, I'd maybe use a capital 'I', because at the moment it looks a little bit scruffy.
Overall, a really interesting and enjoyable piece
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